Are you living life?

People I missed two days of posting! I'm so sorry, and here I was trying to be so focused! Saturday was just me complaining, and quite honestly Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would have been the same thing. But today, I'm back feeling motivated, and inspired! So lets see, Sunday was church, and a visit to my in-laws. I know what your thinking... Actually though, I don't mind visiting my in-laws, it's just that hubby never knows when to leave! The visit drags on, and on, and on.... I was hungry, and although she offered us dinner, I didn't want them to think we just come every Sunday to eat up her food. However I did watch "A Family that Preys" again, and it was just as good as the first time I watched it. I love that movie, in fact I think it is one of Tyler Perry's best efforts. Kathy Bates is really good in it, as well as Alfre Woodward. I like Alfre Woodward in any movie! If she is just in a movie, I will watch it. She's just so real, and down to earth. Actually everyone had some great acting in this movie, on down to Robin Givens.

There was a part in the movie, when someone said (I think Kathy Bates) "are you living, or existing?".

That got to me. Are you living or existing?... That is so deep!

A lot of time I think I'm just existing.... I go through the motions to keep the family running smoothly, but I'm not really living. How do you truly live, when your trying to exist? I mean we all have responsibilities, kids have to eat, someone has to watch them, bills have to get paid... You get the picture. I thought to myself, that if I was to truly live life, then something or someone would be neglected, and then wouldn't that be selfish? So I pondered this question, and it actually had me in a real funk. I started feeling sorry for myself, that my day hadn't been exciting. I mean all I had done was go to church, visit the in laws, ate dinner at Red Robin, and then went home to watch my kids watch television. Oh and I forgot I became extremely angry at hubby, for leaving me in the house with the kids AGAIN while he cut a bush down outside. I mean I was fuming, and he tried to apologise but I wasn't having it. I was all irrational, and I know I came off like a physco, because I wasn't truly mad at him. I was mad because I felt like I was just existing, and that bothered me....

Monday, I pretty much stayed in the same funk, still pissed off that I was just existing and not living. Became angry at hubby again that evening, because after dinner he sat down and started studying for his test. Now this bothered me, because I'm not doing so hot in my own summer class. I'm taking it online, and I'm not meeting the deadlines, and what really bugs me is that the class is super easy! I mean it's just getting on line and discussing things, just like I do here, and yet I'm not doing it. I blame the kids, and being so busy on this, but quite honestly it's just my own laziness. Because if I felt it was important, then I would make time to do it. Right?

So anyway, hubby is over their studying, and feeling all motivated about his class, and I'm sitting there watching him, and becoming incensed. So then I start making some noise, you know just to distract him. I know, I know, pretty childish. But anyway, I started making noise by rubbing my bare foot against the leather sofa, and he looks up, but doesn't say anything. Then he mentions something about how he loves being in school again. Now at that I get ticked off even more, because of the fact he gets to take his class in the classroom, while mine is online. You see for the last few years, I've taken online classes because he claimed he couldn't get home in time to watch the kids. Yet this semester, he took a class in the classroom, and he seems to be able to get home in time to do it, just fine...... Yep, I thought the same thing.

So anyway, after I couldn't get a rise out of him, I figure I'll do my homework, but now I can't get online, and I make a big tadoo out of it, yelling and carrying on. Hubby doesn't say a word (yall he must have been prayed up!) So then I go off in search of textbook, to read, and I can't find it. What I do find is my journal.

This is a journal I started in 96. My last entry in it was 2003! So I started reading it, and guess what? I find I haven't grown that much. In my journal all I complained about was not having a husband, children, and bills. In fact I wrote that if I could be married, have kids, and stay home all day writing, then my life would be perfect. Yeah, I know!! Look at me now, I have a husband, children, and technically I could spend a good portion of the day writing, but I don't. So now I was in even a bigger funk, because on top of just existing, I was now an ungrateful turd.

So what to do, what to do?..... I updated the journal to include my marriage, and kids, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well, and I just didn't feel good. So Tuesday morning, I woke up and I prayed. This is something I should have done in the first place! I prayed and I felt better, and I resolved to stop existing but start living the life I was in right now.

I'm trying to change my mindset, so that I enjoy the things that I do routinely every day. I want to enjoy the kids, and enjoy caring for them, and enjoy preparing healthy meals for them, AND enjoy my time away from them. I am trying to learn how to really LIVE the life that I exist in. If that makes any sense. So I know it's been a long post, but I just wanted to update you. It's been a good day today, and I got my prayer in again this morning. I'm going to evening church service tonight, and I have a nice healthy meal planned out for my family. Later tonight, I'm going to take some time for myself, and do my hair, while I watch a good show. Now that's living!

Okay questions for today?

Are you existing or living life?