Black Friday!

Sorry yall but I'm to old to go shopping on black Friday!  I want to be out there, I really do BUT....  I just don't have the patience.  I really don't think you save that much more money either.  Working in retail has clued me into one thing.  Never pay full price, because eventually it's going on sale!  Within two weeks of receiving shipment in the store I work for, it goes on sale.  I'll never pay full price again.  So black Friday in my opinion, is just a gimmick.  That same stuff will be on sale next week, and on clearance the week after.

Thanksgiving was blessed.  Hubby and I made our first turkey, and small dinner!  It's kinda hard to create your own family traditions when you have in-laws and extended family. Everyone wants you to come to their house, when you really want to start establishing your own holiday rituals.  The logistics can be tricky, because people get real sensitive about this kind of stuff.  So this year I suggested that since my in-laws eat so late on Thanksgiving, that we make our own dinner early and have Thanksgiving lunch.  Now I think this is a great compromise, where I can start to create a little at home tradition for the kids, and still keep the other traditions intact.  As you may have already guessed some people didn't think it was a great thing....  My in-laws didn't come out and say it, but they were perturbed that we didn't invite them....  Which I don't quite understand, since I wasn't trying to make a huge dinner or anything, and I definitely didn't want the pressure of preparing a dinner for other people....  Sometimes it seems like that whatever you do, you can't please everybody.  So anyway it just so happened that my in-laws decided that this year of all years, that they would eat early...  Umm yeah.. I know..  Family, ya gotta love them!  Enough said.  Hubby and I still had our "Thanksgiving lunch " and it was great, and then we ate again at the in laws.  Now the in-laws made me pay for this infraction by defiantly overloading the kids with candy, and slinging veiled insults at
my parenting skills, but I had my Thanksgiving lunch!  You take your power where you can.  And guess what?  I'm having my Thanksgiving lunch next year too, so there!  Oh, and Christmas?  Well I'm going for the prize on Christmas.  I'm having my OWN Christmas dinner, and I'm going to suggest a Christmas brunch at the in-laws.  I know it's suicide but what can I say, I like to walk on the dangerous side. I'll let you know how it pans out.

 So I'm working part-time/seasonal and the job is very interesting.  I've never worked in retail before and I struggle everyday to find appropriate clothing that doesn't look like mommy gear, to wear to work.  I never realized how "mommy" my appearance had become until I started working in retail.  Those young girls with their leggings, and high heeled boots...  Their makeup is perfect, manicures fresh, clothes fitted and they know just how to put together the clothes and I feel incredibly inadequate next to them.   Here I am almost forty and some little twenty year old is outdoing me!  I want to yell sometimes, "don't you know who I used to be!" but then I look at my mommy slacks that could be taken in a bit at the waist, and my boots from three years ago, and my nails that desperately need a manicure, and I sigh.....  I've been slippin.  How does that happen?  How can you be turning heads one day, and then the next day your just the "mommy"?  My "boss" is 23!  Twenty-three!!!!!  She was in high-school when I had my first baby!  Ya gotta laugh at it though.....  What else are you going to do?

So the other day I'm dropping my kindergartner to school and I overhear this conversation these two girls are having.  They are both Korean exchange students and one girl said she was going to stay home with her kids when she married.  Well the other girl ripped into her, and told her that all she would end up doing is laundry, cooking and driving people around.  Now as I was just about to "drive" my other child to preschool, I was highly offended.  It really made me think about how as parents both stay-at-home and outside-working parents, we do so much and these kids don't appreciate it.  This teenager dismissed what her mother does for her in a few sentences, and it makes you wonder....  Is that how my kids will see what I've done for them one day?  I guess my point is as parents we have to be so careful not put all of our energy into these kids.  I'm not saying we shouldn't put energy into raising our kids, but sometimes we put everything into them, and have nothing left for ourselves.  Ya know what?  Kids our selfish.

Fairy Dust

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust?  The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your bills are paid. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your life is exactly the way you want it. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

 You know what’s so great about fairy dust?  You don’t have to do any work.  You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part.  Now you smile, but come on.  How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives?  As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life. 

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day! 

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting. 

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence.  Then I thought about it a bit deeper. 

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply.  This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality.  My reality? 

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around.  No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives.  We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances.  We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive.  Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face. 

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month.  I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending.  I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary.  I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work.  I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff.  Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work. 

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust.  Sprinkle, sprinkle…..

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate motherhood so intensely that I want to scream.  A ripping, piercing loud scream. 

I can feel it starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and it longs to be set free---yet I subdue it.  Who could know looking at me from the outside, that I have such ugly thoughts?  The picture of content mother, I am.  With my quiet patient voice, my mommy voice---but I’m not.  Not really.  I hate this thing I’ve become.  Part mother, part wife, and none of me.  It makes me ache, at what I’ve lost.  Nagging kids, always needing, always wanting, always here…..  All day, all night, every waking morning----they need something.

Yet this is just sometimes….

 It doesn’t stop, and I wonder will it ever stop?  What is it that won’t stop?  That’s just it, I don’t know.  Sometimes I don’t know what the “it” is.  “It” is always changing.  Is it motherhood?  Is it marriage?  Is it lack of fulfillment?  Is it life?  Is it the pure essence of everything all balled up together? 

I don’t know, but there is always this nagging feeling that there is more out there.  That I’m missing something.  So I frantically gather all these different things to try to appease that feeling in some way.  Yet I still come up lacking…

Is life so unfair, that you’re never truly happy until your old, and your body no longer cooperates with you?  Is it that old woman, sitting in the coffee shop smiling at me, as I smile at my kids, that I’m destined to become?  That old woman who looks as though she holds all the answers, and looks content to just sit and sip her coffee. “It goes by fast, so enjoy it!” the old woman tells me with a knowing smile.  What I really want to say, as I smile back politely is, “It can’t go by fast enough!”   Yet I know there is truth in what she says.  I can look back at my twenties and realize I spent too much time and effort worrying about things that didn’t matter.  Yet in this moment of parenthood, and thirtyhood it is hard to just “enjoy” it. 

Yet the word sometimes, is really just that---sometimes.  Sometimes is so great because it’s just that—sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes….  And sometimes it’s different. 

Sometimes I enjoy the kids with their grubby faces, and their never ending attention.  Sometimes I look at my husband, and am so thankful that of all the women he could have chosen--God gave him to me.  Sometimes I love my cluttered house, with my yet unpainted walls, and many unfinished projects.  Sometimes I love being so busy, that the day flies by.  Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes.  What a great word.

I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.

My enlarged pores

Why are my pores so big? No really, why are my pores so big? All of a sudden as I creep closer and closer forty, the pores around my tzone have expanded.

Y'all, my pores are huge!

Now you would think that as many things as I could focus on in my life, that this would be the very least of them. Yet I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see them. How vain is that? My face looks like I'm bathing in olive oil, and my pores stay open. I've tried clay masks, those painful biore strips, and to no avail. My pores are still staring at me, as if it to say "gotcha"!

Now I have an appointment scheduled with the dermatologist, but it's not until two more weeks. Oh, and get this. I go to make the appointment and the receptionist says "you have an outstanding balance, so we can't make any appointments for you". So I'm thinking, oh goodness, what didn't the insurance pay. Do you know that women opened her mouth, to inform me that I owed $5.00.

$5.00!

Now as much as I pay for an appointment she has the audacity to ask me about $5.00! It seems that my copay of $20 increased to $25. Her reasoning behind banning me from seeing the doctor, was "we sent you several letters". It's like the doctors office forgets that we are actually the customer, and it's up to them to satisfy us. Well anyway, hopefully after I get the privilege of seeing the dermatologist, she can put an end to this pore mystery. How much you want to bet the visit will end with me spending a lot of out of pocket money on her line of cleansing products? Everybody has a hustle.....

I know this was a frivolous post and I'm not going to even pretend it's anything else. So no questions today, I'll get deep for you tomorrow (smile)...

Simple living equals grateful

Remember when you lived with a lot less? Not just financially, but emotionally and physically as well?

I was listening to a song on the radio from the eighties from a group called "The Winans", the song was entitled "The Question Is?" Immediately I was transported back to where I was, when I used to listen to this song. I could almost see myself in my parents home, sitting back on a Saturday listening to music, and just doing nothing.

Doing nothing...

How often do we just not do anything these days? I really miss those simple days from years before. My parents didn't cart me off to activity after activity, and they didn't feel guilty that they didn't. I spent my summers at home, no summer camp, no play groups, just sitting at home enjoying home. Oh, and if I opened my mouth to whine that I was bored, as I was prone to do, well mama knew how to fix that.

She put your behind to work. Mop the floor (on hands and knees), wash some dishes, dust some tables.....until I wasn't so bored. After that I was only too glad to get out of there and find something to occupy my time. Now I escaped mostly into books, while my sister daydreamed, and my brother watched TV, or took something apart just to put it back together again. Then sometimes we all went outside, and rode bikes, or walked to the corner store. The point is, my parents had little to do with my activities, because we were self sufficient. They kept their eyes on us, and laid down the rules for which their were dire consequences, but for the most part, we were self sufficient.

My parents struggled financially, but it wasn't over luxuries, it was over necessities. They didn't squander their hard earned money on a bunch of designer clothes, or all the new gadgets that I feel like I should have. The budget was pretty simple, food, mortgage, utilities, clothing.

Pretty simple huh?

Their wasn't a separate budget for eating out, movies, or personal care. Our only eating out expense was our McDonald's Friday, for which we lived for. You didn't order Big Mac meals either, you ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and small drink. Yet every Friday we looked forward to this night out, and we were grateful.

Grateful.

Now that's a word you don't hear often these days. I tell my kids to be grateful, and it irritates me when they aren't, but am I truly grateful? I would have to honestly answer no. If I were grateful, then the clothes that I spent so much money for, wouldn't be stuffed into drawers as we speak. If I were truly grateful, then my van wouldn't be so messy, nor my house for that matter wouldn't be so disorganized and messy. If I were truly grateful then I would take care of the things that I have with such care, that they wouldn't break down. If I were truly grateful then I wouldn't be sitting around thinking about how I can buy more things, without first appreciating the things that I have.

My life, and that of my family is in need of streamlining. I need to simplify my life by removing a lot unnecessary junk out of it. My kids can play right outside in my driveway rather than always running to the most high tech park out there. I mean they honestly have enough toys that I could create my own preschool! I need less eating out, and more eating what is right in my kitchen. Less snacking and more eating at designated meal times. I don't ever remember my mom saying "snack time!". Maybe that's why kids today are more obese than ever before....

I do to much laundry!

Really, I entirely too much laundry. My mom had a family of five and she did laundry at the most twice per week, and this was done at the laundry mat until we could afford a washer and dryer. We didn't pull off clothes and throw them in the laundry baskets, you folded them up, and placed them back in your drawer to wear another day. The only thing you changed everyday was, underwear. How were we able to do this? Well for one thing, you were more careful about your clothes when you wore them. Why? Well because you were grateful, so you took better care of them when you would eat, and play.

Their is that word again.

Grateful. I really need to simplify my life, and be more grateful.

Question

How simple is your life compared to how you grew up?

Is it really back to school time?

Wow can you believe it's August?! I see all these back to school sales, and it's amazing too me how retailers rush the seasons. It's more amazing too me how well it works! Cuz I wasn't even thinking about buying back to school stuff for the kids...until I saw the sale signs. Now I'm getting all in a panic, thinking "I've got to get school supplies, before their gone..!"

Before their gone....

Now you and I both know, that their will be stuff left over, for probably the same price. Yet that's how these retailers get us to spend our money. Soooo even though I know that I'm being controlled by the "machine". I'm taking my butt over to the Childrens Place, to catch that $5.00 sale on long sleeve shirts, for my soon to be kindergartner, and preschooler.

You can't fight the machine....

So I know I haven't been updating this thing everyday, but you have to admit I'm doing better than I ever have at it.

Besides you guys don't comment anyway.

Well I shouldn't say that huh? It sounds a little stank.... I also troll many blogs and never comment, so I shouldn't sit in my glass house, and hurl stones. But.... A girl would like a few of my questions answered, every once in a while....

So I was reading my curlynikki blog today, and it's her anniversary. I love that blog, it's so inspiring and she's a young lady that is really doing what she loves. She's been on Tyra, and is now a contributor to Tyra, all from one blog!

The bible does say that your gift will make room for you!

She put the work in was true to herself, and it paid off. She didn't start off trying to be famous. She was just trying to find ways to keep her natural hair healthy, and BAM! Her destiny hit her. How wonderful is that?

So it started my thought process going again. I began to ask myself questions. Such as why don't I post more of my own writing on this blog? Hmmm, am I afraid of the quality, the comments, the critique....? Yep, I am.

So on that note, I think I'll conquer some of my fears, and find a way to add a tab to this thing that lets me post some of my short stories, or maybe even a couple of chapters at a time of one my manuscripts. Did you know that's how the author Zane started? If you don't know Zane is a black author of some really erotic books. Look her up, your hubby will be glad you did! (smile)

Maybe one day I'll put a picture on this thing.... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Questions:

Are you doing what you love to do? AND What inspires you TO DO what you love to do?

Last question: How do I add tabs do this thing?

enjoying not being with kids

So I've been staying true to my commitment to pay more attention to my appearance. It's been paying off, and I've been getting lots of compliments. I've been rocking my natural curls, and it feels nice to be noticed. My four year old looks at me Monday, and says "mama you look pretty" and I was so flattered! Then he followed up with, "mama you can't look so pretty all the time". So of course I asked why and he just kinda giggled. Not sure what that was about, but if a four year old noticed your looking better, then I must have been looking pretty tore up!

So I've been getting a little more time away from my kids, and you know what? It makes me want to have even MORE time away from them. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that strange? Actually is it really strange? I started thinking about this, probably cause guilt was eating away at me, and I'm getting a different perspective on it. Maybe what is strange is how much time some of us mothers spend with our kids. Think about it. Back in the day, women didn't work outside the home, but they still didn't spend all day with the kids underfoot. If you lived on a farm, then you were working the farm. If you lived in the city, well then you were outside socializing with kids your age. You were rarely underfoot like kids are today. Parents didn't have to schedule play dates, or take you to the park. You took yourself, and you made your own friends.

So maybe, just maybe I'm not so strange after all........

Question:

Be honest do you REALLY like spending time with your kids?

What do your pictures say about you?

What do your pictures say about you?

So I was looking through old pictures on the computer last night. Isn't funny how we don't print the pictures, but just download them? I have a printer, and yet I still don't print out the pictures! Well anyway, I was looking at old pictures, well actually not so old pictures. They were pics back from dating from 2003 to present. I noticed a recurring theme in all pictures after 2004. I look tired, old, and haggard! What happened to me? How could no one tell me that I've let myself go to this extreme. I'd like to blame most of the really terrible pictures on the age of my babies at the time. Unfortunately this doesn't excuse the pictures from this year.... I look like I don't care about my appearance. My face is usually set in a frown, and I look like.... Well I'll say it again, I look like I don't care about my appearance. This is far from the truth, because I do care, I guess I just don't care enough.

This is so ironic, because I can clearly remember how I viewed women like this in my single days. There were some women who I worked with, that always looked like they didn't take any effort with their appearance. Yet, when their was a special occasion, these same women knew how to get it together. They would pull out the makeup, the cute clothes, and fix their hair nice. Everyone would be amazed, and tell them how nice they looked. Then after that, they would be back to their same old look. Jeans, tshirt, hair pulled back into ponytail, and face devoid of makeup. I was horrified, that these ladies had let themselves go. The way I saw it, you should look your best all the time. It shouldn't matter that you weren't going anywhere, or doing anything special.

Flash forward seven years later, and look at me. I've adopted the same uniform, complete with ponytail, and I only fix up when I have something special to go to. I tell you motherhood and marriage will make you eat your words! I felt so horrible after looking at those pictures, that I've resolved to start taking time with my appearance everyday. Even if I plan on sitting in the house all day, I plan to look good. I look at all the clothes I buy, and sit in the closet to gather dust. Why? Because I'm waiting for a special occasion to wear them. I'm not talking about fancy pansy clothes. I'm talking about that cute sundress that I bought last month, but haven't worn yet. Or those cute sandals with the heel, that stayed in the closet all last summer, in favor of my thong flat sandal. Now I know I have to be practical. Mama can't chase after the kids in stilettos. Yet I have to be honest, and truth is, I don't do physical activities with the kids EVERYDAY. Sometimes we just go to the library, or the bookstore, and on those days, I could bring out that cute sandal with the heel....

Another thing I would like to begin to do, is take more pictures of myself. Nice pictures of myself. Maybe even professional pictures of myself! I don't have one single professional picture of me, outside of my wedding pictures. What's wrong with putting on something cute, and going to get a few pictures done of yourself at the mall? I said the same thing to hubby, and he agreed. He's been losing weight, and looking good, I might say! I told him that he and I should get some couple shots together. No kids, just us! Okay maybe a few with the kids, but definitely some without.

What I'm finding is, I'm not as young as I used to be. The things I did five years ago, may not necessarily give me the same results today. For example I've been noticing some very enlarged pores under my eye area. I had started noticing them, but didn't think they were to bad, until my sister made mention of them. You know what? I'm getting older, which means I need to start making a few tweaks to my old beauty routine. I'm finding a little primer, and a tiny amount of foundation goes a long way to covering those pores. Getting older doesn't mean that you have to look older, it just means that I need to pay a little extra attention to myself. Spend a little more money on body lotion, cuz that cheap crap doesn't cut it anymore. Pay for that paraffin treatment on my dry, tired hands. Oh, and maybe splurge on that facial cream, that eh, promises younger looking skin. I'm not saying I'm chasing youth, but I don't want to look like those pictures say I look like! One thing about it, when you look good, you feel good.

I feel inspired to want to change my mindset, and I'm sure my morning prayers are jump starting this feeling. I'm working on taking control of my emotions, and not letting them rule and control me.

Question for today?

Go look at some pictures, what do they say about how you value yourself?

Are you living life?

People I missed two days of posting! I'm so sorry, and here I was trying to be so focused! Saturday was just me complaining, and quite honestly Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would have been the same thing. But today, I'm back feeling motivated, and inspired! So lets see, Sunday was church, and a visit to my in-laws. I know what your thinking... Actually though, I don't mind visiting my in-laws, it's just that hubby never knows when to leave! The visit drags on, and on, and on.... I was hungry, and although she offered us dinner, I didn't want them to think we just come every Sunday to eat up her food. However I did watch "A Family that Preys" again, and it was just as good as the first time I watched it. I love that movie, in fact I think it is one of Tyler Perry's best efforts. Kathy Bates is really good in it, as well as Alfre Woodward. I like Alfre Woodward in any movie! If she is just in a movie, I will watch it. She's just so real, and down to earth. Actually everyone had some great acting in this movie, on down to Robin Givens.

There was a part in the movie, when someone said (I think Kathy Bates) "are you living, or existing?".

That got to me. Are you living or existing?... That is so deep!

A lot of time I think I'm just existing.... I go through the motions to keep the family running smoothly, but I'm not really living. How do you truly live, when your trying to exist? I mean we all have responsibilities, kids have to eat, someone has to watch them, bills have to get paid... You get the picture. I thought to myself, that if I was to truly live life, then something or someone would be neglected, and then wouldn't that be selfish? So I pondered this question, and it actually had me in a real funk. I started feeling sorry for myself, that my day hadn't been exciting. I mean all I had done was go to church, visit the in laws, ate dinner at Red Robin, and then went home to watch my kids watch television. Oh and I forgot I became extremely angry at hubby, for leaving me in the house with the kids AGAIN while he cut a bush down outside. I mean I was fuming, and he tried to apologise but I wasn't having it. I was all irrational, and I know I came off like a physco, because I wasn't truly mad at him. I was mad because I felt like I was just existing, and that bothered me....

Monday, I pretty much stayed in the same funk, still pissed off that I was just existing and not living. Became angry at hubby again that evening, because after dinner he sat down and started studying for his test. Now this bothered me, because I'm not doing so hot in my own summer class. I'm taking it online, and I'm not meeting the deadlines, and what really bugs me is that the class is super easy! I mean it's just getting on line and discussing things, just like I do here, and yet I'm not doing it. I blame the kids, and being so busy on this, but quite honestly it's just my own laziness. Because if I felt it was important, then I would make time to do it. Right?

So anyway, hubby is over their studying, and feeling all motivated about his class, and I'm sitting there watching him, and becoming incensed. So then I start making some noise, you know just to distract him. I know, I know, pretty childish. But anyway, I started making noise by rubbing my bare foot against the leather sofa, and he looks up, but doesn't say anything. Then he mentions something about how he loves being in school again. Now at that I get ticked off even more, because of the fact he gets to take his class in the classroom, while mine is online. You see for the last few years, I've taken online classes because he claimed he couldn't get home in time to watch the kids. Yet this semester, he took a class in the classroom, and he seems to be able to get home in time to do it, just fine...... Yep, I thought the same thing.

So anyway, after I couldn't get a rise out of him, I figure I'll do my homework, but now I can't get online, and I make a big tadoo out of it, yelling and carrying on. Hubby doesn't say a word (yall he must have been prayed up!) So then I go off in search of textbook, to read, and I can't find it. What I do find is my journal.

This is a journal I started in 96. My last entry in it was 2003! So I started reading it, and guess what? I find I haven't grown that much. In my journal all I complained about was not having a husband, children, and bills. In fact I wrote that if I could be married, have kids, and stay home all day writing, then my life would be perfect. Yeah, I know!! Look at me now, I have a husband, children, and technically I could spend a good portion of the day writing, but I don't. So now I was in even a bigger funk, because on top of just existing, I was now an ungrateful turd.

So what to do, what to do?..... I updated the journal to include my marriage, and kids, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well, and I just didn't feel good. So Tuesday morning, I woke up and I prayed. This is something I should have done in the first place! I prayed and I felt better, and I resolved to stop existing but start living the life I was in right now.

I'm trying to change my mindset, so that I enjoy the things that I do routinely every day. I want to enjoy the kids, and enjoy caring for them, and enjoy preparing healthy meals for them, AND enjoy my time away from them. I am trying to learn how to really LIVE the life that I exist in. If that makes any sense. So I know it's been a long post, but I just wanted to update you. It's been a good day today, and I got my prayer in again this morning. I'm going to evening church service tonight, and I have a nice healthy meal planned out for my family. Later tonight, I'm going to take some time for myself, and do my hair, while I watch a good show. Now that's living!

Okay questions for today?

Are you existing or living life?

Is Post Menstrual Syndrome real?

It has to be PMS..... (post menstrual syndrome)





I am so irritable today, and as you can see by post on Friday, I was irritable that day also. It must be PMS. Has anyone else found that they are more affected by PMS as they get closer to forty? I'm finding that at close four or five days leading up to my menstrual cycle, I am just downright pissed!



For example take today. Everybody and everything is pissing me right off! Now hubby going golfing didn't really bother me this morning, because he was back pretty early. But the fact that he is outside right now mowing the lawn, is tickin the hell out of me! I know the lawn has to be mowed, but I just want him here inside this damn house enjoying the children, right along with me. I mean shouldn't he suffer and enjoy the kids on a Saturday evening too? Why do men get to accomplish their tasks without the hassles of kids? Take for example last week. He had a test to study for, so he decided on a whim to take the day off to study. He went to the library and devoted the whole day to studying, and did very well on his test. Now who do you think had the kids during this long study session? Yep, me. Now it shouldn't have been that big of a deal, because if he had been at work I would have had them anyway, but still..... Now last week it kind of irritated me, but not a whole lot, but today, right this minute, I'm am seething about it.

Must be PMS.



Here I have to wait until midnight to even open a textbook, but he just does what he needs to do, and doesn't give it a second thought about it. So seeing him mowing the lawn, and getting the joy of being able to accomplish something, well quite frankly it's pissing me off. Nobody watches the kids while I attempt to accomplish my tasks. Nobody takes the kids away when, I wash dishes, mop floors, or do any of the other various duties that fall to me, that he doesn't even notice. I've been wanting to organize their toys for months, but do you know hard it is to complete a project with kids underfoot? I put it in the give-away box, and they drag it back out before I can turn around good.



I was also ticked off that I felt forced into an activity today with people that I like, but don't know very well. It was pretty much told to me that, my lack of participation has expressed that I don't like them. Which quite honestly wasn't the case. My lack of participation expressed that sometimes I just get too busy, and involved with my own life, and that when I get a moment of free time, I just want to rest. So anyway once someone tells you that, now you feel obliged to participate, but at the same time your resentful that you have to participate, even though you don't really have to. That make any sense? Well anyway I spent half the day "participating" and showing myself friendly, and ended up pissed off, because I felt forced. How silly am I? Isn't that just so ridiculous. Now if I hadn't felt forced, and if I had gone on my own desire, then I would have felt like I had a good time. But when you feel like your doing something because you HAVE to, it changes the outcome. I compare it to how I will sometimes complain to my husband about his golfing. Then he will say "well fine, I won't go, and I'll spend time with you and the kids". Well now it's too late, because I feel like he doesn't really want to go, but is just doing it to oblige me. Crazy huh? Yeah that's what he calls me, when this happens (smile). I think it's just that people, including myself, want a person to really want to either go somewhere or do something. No one wants anyone to feel forced into it. I worked very hard not to appear forced as I participated, but I'm sure everyone there had probably discussed it, and said "she's just here, because we said something". You know what? They were right. Now I am sure my PMS had something to with my behavior today, at least I hope it did.

Questions for the day:

Is PMS just an excuse we women use to be really nasty?

Are the kids trying to drive me crazy on purpose.....?

Now as I sit here trying my best to write, my three year old is in my face. Now it could be a combination of Auntie flows impending visit (nickname for menstrual cycle) but I have a lot less patience for my kids lately.

Sometimes it feels like they are purposely trying to drive me crazy.

It's like they have conspired together and said, "let's get mommy!". I think that sometimes they believe it is their duty to keep me on my feet all day. If I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything for myself, they block it. If I sit down with a cup of coffee, all of a sudden someone is thirsty. If I try to write, or do homework, well then someone has to wash their hands or go to the bathroom, or wants a book read... You get the idea? If I attempt to use the toilet, then all of a sudden they have to use it also.

I can't win!

If I have the audacity to turn from their program on television, then it's a straight up war. They whine, they beg, and then they make so much noise (under the pretense of playing) that I can't even hear my program. Even in the car, it's question after question, after question..... If I look as though I may be enjoying a particular song on the radio, and begin to sing. Well then all of a sudden they burst into a Barney song, or a song from the Fresh Beat Band at the top of their lungs! I mean it's loud people. I swear if I hear "let's come together.." from the Fresh Beat Band one more time, I'll literally scream! By the way what is with this group? Nothing but a bunch of grown-ass people pretending to be kids, especially that tall goofy one...

If my husband and I attempt to have a conversation, they interrupt with questions and attempt to talk over me. If I go in my room for a minute of silence, then here they come. If I go downstairs to put clothes in the dryer, they are at the top of the stairs, demanding something be done for them. "I want a snack! I want something to drink!, Can we go somewhere?" It DOES NOT STOP! It's all day, and I feel like a damn maid to my own kids! When I say I don't watch television, I really mean to say I'm not allowed to watch television. My kids have monopolized every part of my life. Even when I try to pray in the morning, I can hear them knocking on the door, asking me what I'm doing.

Do they love me that much, or is it a conspiracy to drive me crazy? I'm beginning to wonder.....

Just sitting here writing this, I've had to tell each of them "goodbye" five times, because now all of a sudden they want to lay on me and hug me. I tell you, these kids know exactly what their doing. Now my husband? They don't bother him. He comes home, and shuts off their show, they whine a bit, and then go play in their room. They walk PAST him, to ask me to do something for them. Hubby says I'm the crazy one for letting them run me, and he's probably right.

They worry me so much, that by bedtime, I'm like a crackhead waiting for her supplier. I'm watching the clock, my hands are shaking, I can almost taste bedtime. I used to enjoy reading the stories, and tucking them into bed. But now? You should hear how fast I read those books, IF they are lucky enough to get a story read. I'm skipping over pages and making up my own words.... Oh and the silence I receive after they are in bed? As my three year old says "Oh my Jesus!" it's so sweet! It's better than sex.....

Should I feel that good, that my kids have gone to bed? Should I feel that happy, that I don't have to interact with them? I thought I was supposed to become a better, more patient parent as they grew older. I feel like I've gotten worse!

Do you know how many times, the word "SHUT UP!" has been on the edge of my lips, I mean the very tip of my tongue, ready to escape? Or how many times I have actually said out loud "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"? I had always prided myself on answering and explaining every question, but now? After I've explained why they can't have candy for breakfast for the hundredth time, I find myself yelling (yes yelling) "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Okay and I will admit to you, I've said "shut up" out loud, waaaay under my breath, where they couldn't hear me. A very small, quiet, but satisfying "shut up".

I think at any moment the word "SHUT UP!" will truly escape these confines, and then I will truly become my mother. We think we are so smart with our books and new-aged ways of parenting, but maybe our parents had the inside track. Maybe their way WAS the best way. Cause I guarantee you, my mama didn't LET her kids drive her this crazy. Oh, and she definitely used the word "shut up".

Questions today?

Do you think the parenting concepts of our generation are causing more stress on us the parents, than the ones of previous generations?

Child support is a touchy subject...

Yet knowing I'm a stepmother you can figure it was bound to come up. I admit I've been on both sides of the fence. Before I was married, I was pro-baby mama all the way. "Make that man pay", I would holler. In fact I can remember a girl I used to work with, collected child support for two kids she had from a previous relationship. He had remarried and she would refuse him visitation if he was late with payments. She took great joy, at slammin the door in his face, when he came for visits, and great joy at taking his money. Now back then, and I was younger, so don't think to harshly of me, but back then I thought to myself, "good, he needs to pay that money!". Now a small part of me, did find the fact that she refused him contact with his kids over money, a bit shady, but again I was young so I would just gloss over that part. She didn't need all the money she was receiving. She was spending it on frivolous things, like a motorcycle that she didn't have a license to drive, so it sat in the garage for years. She would loan money out to people who would never pay her back. She would buy crap and then give it away because she had no room for it. Basically she was trickin up this man's child support money, now her kids seemed well taken care of, and she was always had them clothed in the latest expensive item. She flat out told me, that she was pissed that he had remarried, and didn't care if he didn't have enough money to support his new family. In her words, "he shouldn't have gotten married, and had kids, mine come first!". In a way I kind of thought that too....

Flash forward years later, to my own marriage.

Hubby paying support that they had agreed upon, child is well taken care of, no drama, UNTIL we married. Just as soon as she realized that I wasn't just another girlfriend, and we were getting married. Drama with a capital D. Now all of a sudden, the support being paid wasn't enough, and it's back to court ordered support. No phone call to say "hey, we need to readjust the support", no discussion, nothing, just papers in the mail. Oh and visitation withheld, just for the hell of it. You see their was no custody agreement, or support agreement in place, they didn't need one. They were both working professionals, and had worked out a money arrangement that they were both satisfied with, and that took care of the needs of their child. Everything fell apart after that, and there has been nothing but DRAMA ever since. It's affected the child, her own family, and my family, all over money. But is it over money....? Let's be raw here. Child support, in this case, and maybe more cases than people are willing to admit, is about CONTROL and REVENGE. For a lot of women, child support is how they can get back at that man, for not loving them, or not marrying, or in some cases for being a low down dirty dog, or lets face it for their perceived feelings of being done wrong.. "Gurl, get that paycheck", friends tell each other, "hit him where it hurts!".

Yeah it does hurt. It hurts a mans pride, when he's made to look as though he is some deadbeat father in court, when he isn't. Now there are some deadbeats out there, lots and lots of them, but not all of them. Sometimes there is just a bitter, angry women who figures she has no other way to get this person back, than to hit his wallet. Child support has become big business, for some people. It pits wife against ex wife, ex girlfriend, and can sometimes tear a marriage up, if you let it.... I praise God every day that I wasn't brought up to love money. I like it just as much as the next person, but I don't love it. If hubby's ex girl wants money, if that what keeps her warm at night, then so be it. God will bless us to make more money, but will he bless your vindictiveness?.

Oh and get this, did you know that child support in NY is until the child is 21, even if that booger never goes to college! Yep you heard me, that child (or adult, since that's what he now is) can sit on his mamas couch eating Doritos, and she is still entitled to child support. Now if he does go to college, then the support goes directly toward college tuition and the remainder (if any) goes to the custodial parent (usually the mama). How foolish is that? Now I believe a parent should help a child go to college, but what if you have one of those kids, who is just in college foolin around? You know good and well if the courts were not involved, and your son or daughter was at college wasting your hard earned money, and not going to class, you would withdraw your support, and tell that buster to get a job! People who pay child support don't have that right, they have to pay regardless. People don't get the courts involved in your lives, learn to compromise!

Now I know some women are probably cheering, "well good!". Yeah you cheer, until the tables are turned, and your on the other side of that table. Believe me you, my hubby's ex sung a different song, when she was under the burden of those same child support laws. Now it became "poor me, I can't afford to live". To her son, who she wasn't even supposed to be discussing these things with she said "Your Fathers taking all my money, and I could lose my job at any time" causing a rift between him and his Dad..

Guess what? Studies show that a woman is more likely to be more of a deadbeat than than a male when she is made to pay child support. In fact, look at this excerpt from a 2002 Fox News report "The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts. Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media. That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html


Now aint that about nothing!

More and more fathers are winning the rights to be custodial parents. Oh, and don't think the mother has to be unfit to lose custody. They look at other factors and your demeanor in court weighs heavy. I haven't decided yet how I feel about fit mothers losing custody.... What I do know, is that some mothers need to be more willing too cooperate regarding child support, before they are on the other side of that fence...

My question today is an assignment. If you were made to pay child support, could you afford it?

Take your adjusted gross income, and if you have one child multiply it by 17% and if two by 25% and if three by 35%. Now people that amount is your child support obligation for the year, divide it by twelve and you get your monthly child support obligation to your child. This amount doesn't take into consideration your other children (if you have any) from any previous relationship, or anything else. On top of this you still need to provide health care (which your probably paying for) and in addition to this, if your child is not school age, then you will pay for child care.

Looking at your current financial situation, answer honestly, could you afford to pay that amount every month?

Is child support fair?

Taking time for yourself

So I saw the play "Fences" over the weekend...

It was sooo good! We had great seats, and Denzel was incredible. The play really moved me, and made me think. I must say this was one of the best plays I have seen. It was the first time in a long time, that I was able to really dress up, and go into NYC. Usually when we go into the city (and believe me people it isn't often) I'm wearing flats, or in the winter Uggs. My husband has drilled in to me "dress for city walking", but this time I had the stilts on! The kind of shoes Wendy Williams wears, and people I felt sooo sexy. I figured if we can spend that much on play tickets, then he can splurge for a cab. I gave my hair a fresh wash, and flat-ironed it out, AND had the toes and nails done. Now I did feel a tad bit hoochie, cuz my dress was a wee bit short... but hey I don't get too be a hoochie often, so I enjoyed it. We went to dinner at B Smiths, which wasn't that spectacular, but the ambiance was good, and we even had after play drinks, which we never do. I even splurged on a $18 dollar sangria (isn't that insane!). It's usually in and out of the city for us, but this time it felt like... It felt like I was me again. I was me again!My eyes are getting a little wet as I write this, but I felt like I did, when my hubby (then my boyfriend) first took me into NYC. The years fell away, and I was "THE DIVA" with all caps. I felt young, sexy, and desirable. I thought to myself "this is what I imagined life would be like when I moved to NY". The only thing is, what goes up, must come down.... Cinderella and her Prince had to go home, pick up the kids, and pay the sitter. Then it's back home to the messy house I left in preparation for my night out. Don't you love reality? I'm not even going to lie, I didn't miss my little boogers one millisecond I was gone. Terrible mother aren't I? We didn't go to sleep until well after 3am (I told yall I was looking sexy...) and stayed in the house all day on Saturday, recuperating from our Friday night. Not as young as I used to be.....

Taking some alone time

So it made me think. If this made me feel so good and alive then why don't we do it more often? I guess what I'm really beginning to understand is that life is all about balance. Too much in one direction and everything topples over. Too much time doing the mommy stuff, and not enough alone time with hubby, makes for problems. Sometimes as mothers we get consumed by our kids, and just consumed by our "superwoman" attitude. Like take this play for example, I'll be honest, I wasn't tryna to spend two hundred and some odd dollars on a play! But my sister gave me some good advise not to long ago. She's been married twenty years, and I figure she knows what she's talking about. She said "anytime your hubby wants to do something without the kids, girl go!" You see I was that person that would say, "well why don't we do something as a family" when my husband would suggest we get a babysitter and do something. I would worry about the cost of a sitter, or worry about the kids at the sitter, or worry that hubby wasn't spending quality time with the kids... You get my meaning, I would just worry, and in the meantime he would get still get his alone time, while I would just sit there with the kids, pissed off at him. I'm learning people. I'm learning......

I remember a episode of "Sex in the City" where the chick who had the baby, was going away with the other women on a girls weekend out. Well her "babys daddy" at the time (I think she later married him) got cold feet about watching the baby by himself, and wanted to bail. Well she was furious, and so her housekeeper offered stay with him, and help him watch the baby, to which he agreed. But she was still furious and refused, because she said that she watched the baby all the time, and he should take some responsibility and watch the kid too. Now she was definitely right, but to what expense? So Carrie finally fed up, and wanting her friend to go on the trip was like "Girl, just throw some money at it, and lets go!"

This is my new anthem, just throw some money at it. Now is every situation like that? No, of course money can't solve every problem, but it sure can alleviate some stress. Sometimes we so caught up with being right, that we cut our nose off to spite our face. So now rather than getting all bent out of shape at hubby for not offering to stay home with the kids, and giving me some alone time, I just throw some money at it, in the form of a babysitter and I go and take me a break. This summer rather than running around like a chicken without a head, looking for free things for the kids to do, I threw a little money at it. I signed them up for a one day a week summer camp, so that I could have some time to myself. Now I will still have to find some other free activities for other days (I'm not rich), but at least I have one day. Now I know what your thinking, "well what if you don't have the money to throw?" Well then make a payment arrangement and throw some bill money at it. Stress kills people. I guarantee it would be a lot cheaper in the long run, than money spent on a divorce attorney, or defense attorney for killing your husband. You will always have bills, but you won't always have time, so what's more valuable? Now of course you can't do it all the time, use some common sense. But every mommy should have one day a week, where a couple of hours are just hers. Once that babysitter bill gets too high, maybe hubby will start offering you some "free" time. Even if you have to suck up your pride and ask your cranky mother-in-law to watch them, do it. Yeah she may talk about you, but you will get some time to yourself. Oh and you are not allowed to do anything work related on this time off. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, only mommy time or self time. Go read a book, or get your nails polished or take a walk. Or how about this, go to the mall and actually try something on. Don't just put the item up against you, because you don't feel like taking the kids into the dressing room.

I'm getting pretty good at this taking time for myself stuff, now I still feel guilty as hell when I do it. I still worry about the money I'm spending, and I feel like I'm a bad mommy for not spending that time with the kids, BUT I know this is good for me. I know that it makes me a better mommy, wife, and person when I take time for myself. Men do it all the time and don't give it a second thought. Hubby spends every Saturday on the golf course for six to seven hours, and guilt never enters into his mind. Why? Well I asked him, and you know what he told me? He said "I feel like I deserve a day off, after working all week?" You hear that? He deserves a day off. Yet I was feeling like that I didn't even deserve a few hours off. You know what? He's right, he works hard and he deserves a day off. You know what else? So do I, and so do you. As I said before, it all goes back to our own value of self worth. So now when I drop those kids off too the sitter, or write that check for summer camp day, I imagine hubby on the golf course enjoying his "deserving" day off and I try very hard to enjoy my few hours. Still working myself up to a whole day... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Oh, and I saw another comment from my post yesterday. I am so jazzed up right now! Whoo Hoo!

Two questions for the day:

What activity makes you feel sexy and alive again?

Do you take time for yourself, and if not, why?

I'm growing. Well sort of....

Okay so its been only seven months since my last post... Well, before you talk about me, in my defense, it used to be at least a year between posts, so..... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

I feel myself in a different place lately. I don't complain as much, and I think I'm doing better at that whole martyr complex of mine. I'm trying very hard to not see myself as a victim so much, and start recognizing that it starts with me. If you want change and progress, you can't wait until someone else initiates it, or helps you. You have to take charge, and make progress in spite of the things going on around you. I mean sure it would be nice if the people around me would offer more assistance with the kids, so that I could write (just a small complaint there). BUT if they don't, then I can't just sit around and complain. I have to write, in spite of the noise around me. Even if it's only a couple of words.

Now I am really geeked up right now (yep I said "geeked", and it really showed my age). I just happened to look at this blog, just to see if anyone has ever read my heart-wrenching posts, and.... I HAD ONE COMMENT! I am just cheesin extra hard right now. Somebody read my blog! I feel good. Oh, and it was a recent post, back on June 4, it has inspired me to write more. What if someone else is reading it, but just not posting? Yall what if Oprah is reading my blog. Okay that's a stretch, but you never know....

Okay time for updates on my life. We are now a family of four. My stepson decided to part ways and move back with his mom. Mixed emotions people.... I feel like we could have provided him with a better home, but I was gettin real tired of his antics. Possibly just plain old teenager antics, possibly some deeper emotional problems... You just never know. Well he was in cahoots with his mama, and they did it all on the down low. Late night phone calls with his law guardian.. Secret phone calls taken outside... Poor hubby didn't find out until he went to court on something totally different, and was told by the boys law guardian that he wanted to live with his mama! Hubby was so hurt, and felt so betrayed. The deceitful booger wouldn't even tell his dad why. Come talkin some foolishness about "I don't want to talk about it". The courts give these kids too much power, but that's what happens when you involve the courts in your life. So long story short, custody trial again, and this time they went solely on what my stepson wanted, and since he said back to mama, he is going back to mama. Which means back to child support, back to control issues, back to overcrowded gang school, and back to mediocre grades. It's really sad when you think about it. He was doing so well here academically, and would have branched out socially given the chance. Unfortunately he didn't have the support from his mama, and she played the victim but good. Had him all twisted up, talkin all disrespectful to his Dad. He was feelin himself and tried that crap with me... Yeah you know I told him off but good. Years ago, I would have ignored it, and waited for my hubby to deal with it, but I've learned over the years that this is the wrong approach. Kids respect you more, when you stand up for yourself. I let him know that he wasn't the authority in our home, and that he had better watch his tone, and how he spoke to me. Lord knows he doesn't speak to his mama like that. When his mother would call, it was "yes mommy", or "no mommy". Yet when he spoke to his Dad, it was "whatever!", or some other craziness.

I must say things are a lot more peaceful since his departure. Although I know deep down hubby misses him. I think...(smile) I have no regrets. I treated him fairly, and I showed him love and kindness. One thing I have always said is that, when he becomes an adult, he will never be able to truthfully say that I was every anything but nice too him. That was a goal and promise I made to myself when I first married my husband. I promised myself that I would never judge my stepson by his mother or fathers actions. Now sure I get truly pissed by flaws in both their parenting skills that I in turn had to suffer the consequences for, but hey life is unfair sometimes. I'm not a perfect parent either, and I can recognize that we all make mistakes. I was talking to my mother-in-law today about my stepson. I told her that because he is a teenager, a lot of his selfishness, and attitude, and other less than pleasing character traits are excused. Yet their comes a time when teenagers turn into young adults, and at that point we will get a true sense of his character, and we can no longer blame teenager moodiness for these traits.

Isn't that so true? At some point in everyones life, you have to stop blaming your character on issues going on around you. "Well, if he would act right, then I wouldn't always have an attitude!", or "I'm so bitter and unhappy because everybody did me wrong!" At what point do you grow up and recognize that perhaps this is just who I am? At what point do we take responsibility for our own character flaws, and attempt to correct them? Okay my question for today are:

What are your character flaws, and are you blaming someone or something else for them?

Do you want to be a celebrity? Really....?

Okay I won't even begin to apologize for my lax in posting. Just love me anyway ok? Today I was perusing my favorite gossip sites, bossip, concreteloop... Reading about all the celebrities and when one particular one would catch my eye, I google them and find out their beauty secrets. Which got me to thinking... Why? Why am I and other people so fascinated about what celebrities wear, do eat, and go out with? Aren't they really just like us? Why do you think we try so hard to emulate people who are airbrushed into perfection? They have teams of people at their disposal to keep them beautiful and fit, and some of us look just as good if not better. Yet I still find myself copying their looks, or clothes. I have to admit they even sometimes inspire me to perk my own game up. Be honest, how many times have you seen a beautiful woman in a magazine or on television and thought "I'm going to do better to look good?"

Let's take for example Housewives of Atlanta. Now they may be ghetto, broke and quite ridiculous. But..... When I see them all glammed up, hair done, nails manicured, it makes me want to do better. When I see some of them (not all) starting their own business, and making that paper, well it inspires me to remember my own dreams. So maybe celebrities are the benchmark for what we believe success is. Is that so wrong? Is it? I know we really should put value into things that aren't as tangible, like our health, children, and self worth. Yet I am still drawn to all the glamour and excitement that celebrities bring.

Do I want to be a celebrity? I don't know. Sometimes I want the perks of stardom, but I don't know if I want the scrutiny. Isn't that what celebrities struggle with? Not wanting the attention but wanting the glory? If you could choose, which would it be?