I need a vacation at home...by myself

I want a vacation.
I want a vacation away from my kids.
I want a vacation away from my husband.
But I want to do it at home…
I’m too tired to pack up and go away on vacation. It’s too much work. First you have to plan your clothes, hair and activities. Then you always have to come back home…to a messy house that you tore up planning your trip. Guys I want hubby and the kids to disappear for a few days, and have the house all to my self. I want to be able to clean and organize to my hearts desire, without worrying about feeding people, or cleaning up before hubby arrives. When I get tired of cleaning I want to go grab something to eat, sit in front of the television and watch crap. I want to go to the mall without kids bugging me to go on those rides that they conveniently place in the center of the mall, which cost $2 for 1 minute of movement. I want to be able to browse in the stores and try things on without my husband asking “are you ready to go?” I want peruse the cosmetics at the Mac counter in Macy’s without the kids chasing each other, and trying to hide under the clothing racks. I mean how many times can you say in your “outside the home” voice to “be still!” and “stop touching!”
When I get home I want eat takeout appetizers and watch all of the red box DVD’s that my husband hates. I want to organize my closet and dresser drawers and then go back to mall to replenish things that I need. I want to try on that new Victoria Secrets bra that guarantees the illusion of big tits. I want to make a grocery list for a month and go grocery shopping all by myself and stock up. I want to have a pap smear without my kids in the room…watching. I don’t want to have to give up the booty so somebody won’t be angry. I want to lie in bed all morning and read and then get up and have a big breakfast without someone saying they no longer like eggs, oatmeal or whatever new thing they decide they no longer like.
What people don’t understand is that vacations away from home aren’t relaxing for us mommies. Cuz we eventually have to come back and we do all the work planning them, and then all the packing. While away we worry about the cost of everything and we are overwhelmed with guilt about the things we should be doing at home. What most people don’t understand is that we don’t mind the cleaning, cooking and house stuff so much as long as we are given the time to properly do it. Cleaning can be quite relaxing when you don’t have kids hanging on to you, and asking for the fifteenth time “can we go somewhere!”

You don’t mind starting a long organizing project when hubby isn’t on his way home expecting dinner or something else….. The worst part about being at home is never feeling like anything gets completely done. That whole “do a room at a time” advice is a bunch of crap! By the time you get one room done its messy and unorganized all over again. No, what we mommies need is a staycation at home where we can work or not work when we feel like it to our hearts content. 
If you had a week off, the house to yourself, no kids/hubby for a week…what would you do?



The diva

20 Things I want to say to hubby's ex

TWENTY THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL HUBBY’S EX IE “BABIES MAMA”
1. Believe me contrary to what you believe I REALLY don’t want to be and are not trying to be your child’s mama! You are more than welcome to that privilege….

2. Let the past be the past, and please move on!
3. I’m not going anywhere…..
4. At some point child support does end, so you may want to go easy on all that spending.
5. I would rather pay child support than deal with your child’s issues…
6. When you conned your child into coming back to live with you…we weren’t all that broken up about it…

7. Your child tells me all your business unsolicited…all of it!

8. Your child has a problem telling the truth.
9. Had you capped all of that attitude you would have found a powerful ally in me.
10. I hope you reap the results of all of those parenting skills you instilled within your child……

11. All those mothers day and birthdays gifts you get from your child? I buy them and make your child give them to you.

12. Regardless of whether their father is around, I’m your child’s primary care giver. While I would never hurt a child is it all that wise to make an enemy out of me?....

13. You could have gotten much more money had you not involved the courts.

14. Your ex’s flaws didn’t disappear when he married me, so a lot of the times I actually sympathize and agree with you.

15. My husband/your ex told me all your past business…I know all your secrets!

16. You would have gotten under my skin more, had you stayed friends with my husband…

17. You make me look good with all that drama you create and “angry woman” personality you exude.

18. Did you know that you have a permanent frown on your face, all the time?


19. He’s not coming back to you. Ever. Your actions over the years have made that a certainty.

20. I think it’s funny when you refuse to acknowledge me.

I NEED A NEW CAR.....

I NEED (WANT) A NEW CAR...

So in the new spirit of taking more time for myself and marriage, hubby and I went into Manhattan for dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. Now I have to bring you up to speed on my car game—I’m playing play station to most folks Xbox! Alright it’s not that bad, but yall I drive a minivan, and not the new ritzy ditzy one. I drive an older model minivan, a 08 with no leather, and no other extras outside of (in my best promo voice) “the seat go down for storage!” They didn’t even give me mats!

THE DREAM CAR

So we arrive at my in-laws house for ouR night out, and we are actually driving hubby’s car, which is small, cramped, grungy and smells like booty and feet. The van’s air conditioning is on the fritz and it’s to hot to even consider riding in it. I slide myself in the back seat of their seven seater luxury vehicle. Ahhh! Leather seats, TV’s in the headrest, dual control cooling… The list goes on, and on. After our night is over, and I get back into my pumpkin, I look at hubby and whine “we need a new car!” Then I really think about what I said which is “need’. I really don’t need a new car, I want a new car. I was starting to display the beginning signs of new car fever.

NEW CAR FEVER

Don’t even pretend yall don’t know what I’m talking about when I say new car fever. We all get it and usually around early spring and into summer when people are out washing and shining their whips. All of a sudden the vehicle you paid and are still paying good money for is not good enough. As you get out of your messy vehicle littered with straw wrappers, crumbs and if you’re a mommy toys---you look over at that woman getting out of her clean, shiny and immaculate NEWER vehicle, and begin to "covet thy neighbor’s car”. I’m not even a car person, but after riding in that car, I was craving a luxury vehicle.

IT’S JUST A CAR

Yet if I look at the picture honestly then I don’t really need one, and frankly I don’t take care good care of the one I have now. It doesn’t stay clean, and I don’t get regular maintenance when I should. I finally realized that in my vainness, I want to “look” prosperous. Yep old vanity rearing its ugly head again! I mean I really just need to take better care of the van, and keep it washed so that it looks nicer. The payment is low, and I’m close to actually owning it, which has never happened in my life.

If I really think about it, it’s just a car. It’s just a car! It doesn’t appreciate, it depreciates, and the one I have serves it purpose of getting me from point a, to point b.  Over the years I've spent enough in lease payments, and car payments to own at least two cars!  Everytime I was even halfway to paying one off, new car fever took me down.  How wonderful it would be to be to not have a car payment!   

So did I conquer new car fever? Nope! Even after all that insightful thinking, yall I still want a new car, but I’m not getting one. I’m going go wash the minivan, vacuum it out, clean the inside and once again proclaim to myself and the kids that “this time it’s staying clean”, oh and “no more eating in this van!” We'll see how long that lasts...

Questions


How important is a hot new car to you? AND


Do you take good care of the car you currently own?



the diva

Getting what you ask for..

Poor me.....           

Okay today I was once again bemoaning the state of my life, for this is something that lately I’ve been doing quite often.  Well I of course began to blame everyone around me, including God for not giving me the kind of life I wanted.  Then something said inwardly “yes I did.  I gave you exactly what you asked me for”.  Now this threw me for a loop, because if true, it would mean that I’m just an ungrateful whiner.  So I had to prove this statement wrong.  Off I went to find my journal, notice I said journal singular, as in one measly journal...  Well that’s another story, but let’s just say that my attempt to chronicle my life through journals, failed miserably. 

So anyway I’m combing through the entries, which aren’t many over the past ten years, and there it is in my scrawling handwriting, “God, I just want to be married with kids, and be able to stay home with them, write and go to school.” And another entry says, “I just want to move far away, where noone knows me.  Some place exciting!”

Well there it was. 

There was the proof that affirmed I’m just a big ungrateful baby.  I received the exact kind of life that I prayed for, and I’m still complaining.  I am a stay-at-home mom with two beautiful kids, I now live in NY, I’m attending school and I have the opportunity (if I choose) to write every day. 

All things I asked God for down to the letter.  Now this was too much truth for me at the moment, so I immediately began to tear down my realization.  Well I said to myself I really meant I wanted to go to school full-time, so that part hasn’t happened.  Oh, and I don’t live in Manhattan, and that’s the really exciting part of NY so that wasn’t true either, and I’m at home with the kids, but my husband doesn’t appreciate it, and I don’t have the money I want coming in and I can’t write everyday because the kids keep me busy….  My list went on, and on, until even I got tired of my whining.  “Shut up”! I said aloud.  I am blessed, and according to Psalms 37;4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart., I did receive the desires of my heart.  He gave me exactly what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted at the time.  If I’m not happy with it then that’s my problem.  What I really need to do is sit back praise God, and enjoy my blessing. 

Then another thought came to me, did I follow thorough on what I promised God?  Now I knew the answer this question without even looking back in my journal.  I knew because I felt a little guilty everyday.  I had promised to love him with all my heart.  I promised to continue to serve him with fervor, and I had promised him that if he blessed me, that I wouldn’t forget about him.  I promised to keep the same relationship with him that I had as a single woman.  Yet it was I who reneged on my promise, not God.  Over the years my relationship with Christ has become stagnant, and occasional.  I only want him around when I want something, and then I'm in church every Sunday till I get it.  Wow, I thought to myself.  I’ve basically been calling God for “booty calls’!  All the while complaining that he did me wrong.

 

Enlightment

How must I appear to God?  I was no longer “delighting myself” in God.  The bible says “seek ye first the

kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto it”  I must say that I was truly ashamed of myself. 

So much God has given me, and all I do is complain for more.  I used to read the story about the children of

Israel and wonder how they could be so ungrateful, yet here I was just like them. 

Questions

How grateful are for what  God has given you? 

Think back over your life, what are the things that you prayed for, that God blessed you

with? 


Now what think back to what you promised God, have you followed through on your end? 

Lately I'm feelin so FLY!

Wearing my hair in it's natural state, and I am feeling so FLY!  I just feel so set apart from everyone else, and I can go out in rain, humidity or wind, and not even care!  I twist it up at night with some shea moisture mist and keep it moving!  As I approach forty and am really starting to feel more at peace and confident with myself.  The past few months finally taught me a lesson that I've failed to learn up to this point.  Stop overwhelming myself!  I've been burning the midnight oil for the last few months.  Yall I was working two part time jobs, going to school full time, and still doing the stay-at-home mommy bid during the day, as well as taking care of all the household duties.  All seven days of the week I had something scheduled.  If I wasn't working, I had class, and vice versa.  I was cranky, house was messy, and I was miserable.  Yeah, I know...  I always get into these wonderwoman roles, where I think that I have to do everything, and then I get so burnt out, that I'm yelling at my kids/husband and looking like an old crackhead cuz I don't have time to take care of myself.  Did I mention how messy the house was?  I was sooo stressed.  However I finally finished my two year degree (trying to learn to say that proudly-cuz mama still has self worth issues) and now it's on for my bachelors degree.  Yea for me! 

After that horrific experience I made some decisions.  I quit one of the part time jobs, and kept the most enjoyable one.  I work in retail, and get a fabulous discount.  They worked with me with the hours, and I'm able to dress up and look cute for a few days out the week.  It makes me feel good to be able to add something monetary to the household cuz I still need work in the self worth aspect of being an at-home mommy.  I continue to grow and become more confident in myself and my abilities BUT I'm learning how to say no, and take more time for myself. 

In my current sales position I was offered a full-time manager position, and boy did I struggle on whether to accept.  More money and a title no matter how small means validation!  For a stay-at-home mother validation is BIG.  I had to really think about what I wanted and you know what?  I turned it down.  I tell you guys I'm learning...  I realized that I would be overwhelmed and working all the time, and it would leave little room for schooling and time with the kids.  I am finally getting more comfortable in taking a little time for myself and recognizing that I don't have to do everything and be everything at once.  Just contributing a small amount of money to the household is enough, and I even told them I could only work four days per week, in order to have more time for myself!  This is big for me guys, because I never take time myself.  I used to fill every available hour with something, whether school, or cleaning or doing something with the kids.  The other thing I've stopped doing is taking the kids to all these different activities.  Now I bring my butt home, and relax!  I turn that television off, and tell them to play with all that crap that I bought them in their rooms.  I take them outside in the driveway, and let them blow bubbles, and then I maybe give them an hour of television.  I'm learning that I create my own stress, by trying to do too much.  My new motto is to "keep it simple".  Guess what else I decided?  Once my youngest is in school full time (another year) I'm not going back to work full-time!  Why do we mothers finally reach the enjoyable time of stay-at-homeness, when you get the majority of your day without the kids, do we go back to the full-time jobs.  I'm going to do some substitute teaching, keep going to school, and RELAX! 

Do you guys consistently overwhelm yourselves?  Why?

Black Friday!

Sorry yall but I'm to old to go shopping on black Friday!  I want to be out there, I really do BUT....  I just don't have the patience.  I really don't think you save that much more money either.  Working in retail has clued me into one thing.  Never pay full price, because eventually it's going on sale!  Within two weeks of receiving shipment in the store I work for, it goes on sale.  I'll never pay full price again.  So black Friday in my opinion, is just a gimmick.  That same stuff will be on sale next week, and on clearance the week after.

Thanksgiving was blessed.  Hubby and I made our first turkey, and small dinner!  It's kinda hard to create your own family traditions when you have in-laws and extended family. Everyone wants you to come to their house, when you really want to start establishing your own holiday rituals.  The logistics can be tricky, because people get real sensitive about this kind of stuff.  So this year I suggested that since my in-laws eat so late on Thanksgiving, that we make our own dinner early and have Thanksgiving lunch.  Now I think this is a great compromise, where I can start to create a little at home tradition for the kids, and still keep the other traditions intact.  As you may have already guessed some people didn't think it was a great thing....  My in-laws didn't come out and say it, but they were perturbed that we didn't invite them....  Which I don't quite understand, since I wasn't trying to make a huge dinner or anything, and I definitely didn't want the pressure of preparing a dinner for other people....  Sometimes it seems like that whatever you do, you can't please everybody.  So anyway it just so happened that my in-laws decided that this year of all years, that they would eat early...  Umm yeah.. I know..  Family, ya gotta love them!  Enough said.  Hubby and I still had our "Thanksgiving lunch " and it was great, and then we ate again at the in laws.  Now the in-laws made me pay for this infraction by defiantly overloading the kids with candy, and slinging veiled insults at
my parenting skills, but I had my Thanksgiving lunch!  You take your power where you can.  And guess what?  I'm having my Thanksgiving lunch next year too, so there!  Oh, and Christmas?  Well I'm going for the prize on Christmas.  I'm having my OWN Christmas dinner, and I'm going to suggest a Christmas brunch at the in-laws.  I know it's suicide but what can I say, I like to walk on the dangerous side. I'll let you know how it pans out.

 So I'm working part-time/seasonal and the job is very interesting.  I've never worked in retail before and I struggle everyday to find appropriate clothing that doesn't look like mommy gear, to wear to work.  I never realized how "mommy" my appearance had become until I started working in retail.  Those young girls with their leggings, and high heeled boots...  Their makeup is perfect, manicures fresh, clothes fitted and they know just how to put together the clothes and I feel incredibly inadequate next to them.   Here I am almost forty and some little twenty year old is outdoing me!  I want to yell sometimes, "don't you know who I used to be!" but then I look at my mommy slacks that could be taken in a bit at the waist, and my boots from three years ago, and my nails that desperately need a manicure, and I sigh.....  I've been slippin.  How does that happen?  How can you be turning heads one day, and then the next day your just the "mommy"?  My "boss" is 23!  Twenty-three!!!!!  She was in high-school when I had my first baby!  Ya gotta laugh at it though.....  What else are you going to do?

So the other day I'm dropping my kindergartner to school and I overhear this conversation these two girls are having.  They are both Korean exchange students and one girl said she was going to stay home with her kids when she married.  Well the other girl ripped into her, and told her that all she would end up doing is laundry, cooking and driving people around.  Now as I was just about to "drive" my other child to preschool, I was highly offended.  It really made me think about how as parents both stay-at-home and outside-working parents, we do so much and these kids don't appreciate it.  This teenager dismissed what her mother does for her in a few sentences, and it makes you wonder....  Is that how my kids will see what I've done for them one day?  I guess my point is as parents we have to be so careful not put all of our energy into these kids.  I'm not saying we shouldn't put energy into raising our kids, but sometimes we put everything into them, and have nothing left for ourselves.  Ya know what?  Kids our selfish.

Fairy Dust

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust?  The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your bills are paid. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your life is exactly the way you want it. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

 You know what’s so great about fairy dust?  You don’t have to do any work.  You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part.  Now you smile, but come on.  How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives?  As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life. 

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day! 

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting. 

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence.  Then I thought about it a bit deeper. 

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply.  This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality.  My reality? 

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around.  No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives.  We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances.  We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive.  Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face. 

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month.  I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending.  I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary.  I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work.  I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff.  Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work. 

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust.  Sprinkle, sprinkle…..