I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.

My enlarged pores

Why are my pores so big? No really, why are my pores so big? All of a sudden as I creep closer and closer forty, the pores around my tzone have expanded.

Y'all, my pores are huge!

Now you would think that as many things as I could focus on in my life, that this would be the very least of them. Yet I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see them. How vain is that? My face looks like I'm bathing in olive oil, and my pores stay open. I've tried clay masks, those painful biore strips, and to no avail. My pores are still staring at me, as if it to say "gotcha"!

Now I have an appointment scheduled with the dermatologist, but it's not until two more weeks. Oh, and get this. I go to make the appointment and the receptionist says "you have an outstanding balance, so we can't make any appointments for you". So I'm thinking, oh goodness, what didn't the insurance pay. Do you know that women opened her mouth, to inform me that I owed $5.00.

$5.00!

Now as much as I pay for an appointment she has the audacity to ask me about $5.00! It seems that my copay of $20 increased to $25. Her reasoning behind banning me from seeing the doctor, was "we sent you several letters". It's like the doctors office forgets that we are actually the customer, and it's up to them to satisfy us. Well anyway, hopefully after I get the privilege of seeing the dermatologist, she can put an end to this pore mystery. How much you want to bet the visit will end with me spending a lot of out of pocket money on her line of cleansing products? Everybody has a hustle.....

I know this was a frivolous post and I'm not going to even pretend it's anything else. So no questions today, I'll get deep for you tomorrow (smile)...

Simple living equals grateful

Remember when you lived with a lot less? Not just financially, but emotionally and physically as well?

I was listening to a song on the radio from the eighties from a group called "The Winans", the song was entitled "The Question Is?" Immediately I was transported back to where I was, when I used to listen to this song. I could almost see myself in my parents home, sitting back on a Saturday listening to music, and just doing nothing.

Doing nothing...

How often do we just not do anything these days? I really miss those simple days from years before. My parents didn't cart me off to activity after activity, and they didn't feel guilty that they didn't. I spent my summers at home, no summer camp, no play groups, just sitting at home enjoying home. Oh, and if I opened my mouth to whine that I was bored, as I was prone to do, well mama knew how to fix that.

She put your behind to work. Mop the floor (on hands and knees), wash some dishes, dust some tables.....until I wasn't so bored. After that I was only too glad to get out of there and find something to occupy my time. Now I escaped mostly into books, while my sister daydreamed, and my brother watched TV, or took something apart just to put it back together again. Then sometimes we all went outside, and rode bikes, or walked to the corner store. The point is, my parents had little to do with my activities, because we were self sufficient. They kept their eyes on us, and laid down the rules for which their were dire consequences, but for the most part, we were self sufficient.

My parents struggled financially, but it wasn't over luxuries, it was over necessities. They didn't squander their hard earned money on a bunch of designer clothes, or all the new gadgets that I feel like I should have. The budget was pretty simple, food, mortgage, utilities, clothing.

Pretty simple huh?

Their wasn't a separate budget for eating out, movies, or personal care. Our only eating out expense was our McDonald's Friday, for which we lived for. You didn't order Big Mac meals either, you ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and small drink. Yet every Friday we looked forward to this night out, and we were grateful.

Grateful.

Now that's a word you don't hear often these days. I tell my kids to be grateful, and it irritates me when they aren't, but am I truly grateful? I would have to honestly answer no. If I were grateful, then the clothes that I spent so much money for, wouldn't be stuffed into drawers as we speak. If I were truly grateful, then my van wouldn't be so messy, nor my house for that matter wouldn't be so disorganized and messy. If I were truly grateful then I would take care of the things that I have with such care, that they wouldn't break down. If I were truly grateful then I wouldn't be sitting around thinking about how I can buy more things, without first appreciating the things that I have.

My life, and that of my family is in need of streamlining. I need to simplify my life by removing a lot unnecessary junk out of it. My kids can play right outside in my driveway rather than always running to the most high tech park out there. I mean they honestly have enough toys that I could create my own preschool! I need less eating out, and more eating what is right in my kitchen. Less snacking and more eating at designated meal times. I don't ever remember my mom saying "snack time!". Maybe that's why kids today are more obese than ever before....

I do to much laundry!

Really, I entirely too much laundry. My mom had a family of five and she did laundry at the most twice per week, and this was done at the laundry mat until we could afford a washer and dryer. We didn't pull off clothes and throw them in the laundry baskets, you folded them up, and placed them back in your drawer to wear another day. The only thing you changed everyday was, underwear. How were we able to do this? Well for one thing, you were more careful about your clothes when you wore them. Why? Well because you were grateful, so you took better care of them when you would eat, and play.

Their is that word again.

Grateful. I really need to simplify my life, and be more grateful.

Question

How simple is your life compared to how you grew up?

Is it really back to school time?

Wow can you believe it's August?! I see all these back to school sales, and it's amazing too me how retailers rush the seasons. It's more amazing too me how well it works! Cuz I wasn't even thinking about buying back to school stuff for the kids...until I saw the sale signs. Now I'm getting all in a panic, thinking "I've got to get school supplies, before their gone..!"

Before their gone....

Now you and I both know, that their will be stuff left over, for probably the same price. Yet that's how these retailers get us to spend our money. Soooo even though I know that I'm being controlled by the "machine". I'm taking my butt over to the Childrens Place, to catch that $5.00 sale on long sleeve shirts, for my soon to be kindergartner, and preschooler.

You can't fight the machine....

So I know I haven't been updating this thing everyday, but you have to admit I'm doing better than I ever have at it.

Besides you guys don't comment anyway.

Well I shouldn't say that huh? It sounds a little stank.... I also troll many blogs and never comment, so I shouldn't sit in my glass house, and hurl stones. But.... A girl would like a few of my questions answered, every once in a while....

So I was reading my curlynikki blog today, and it's her anniversary. I love that blog, it's so inspiring and she's a young lady that is really doing what she loves. She's been on Tyra, and is now a contributor to Tyra, all from one blog!

The bible does say that your gift will make room for you!

She put the work in was true to herself, and it paid off. She didn't start off trying to be famous. She was just trying to find ways to keep her natural hair healthy, and BAM! Her destiny hit her. How wonderful is that?

So it started my thought process going again. I began to ask myself questions. Such as why don't I post more of my own writing on this blog? Hmmm, am I afraid of the quality, the comments, the critique....? Yep, I am.

So on that note, I think I'll conquer some of my fears, and find a way to add a tab to this thing that lets me post some of my short stories, or maybe even a couple of chapters at a time of one my manuscripts. Did you know that's how the author Zane started? If you don't know Zane is a black author of some really erotic books. Look her up, your hubby will be glad you did! (smile)

Maybe one day I'll put a picture on this thing.... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Questions:

Are you doing what you love to do? AND What inspires you TO DO what you love to do?

Last question: How do I add tabs do this thing?

enjoying not being with kids

So I've been staying true to my commitment to pay more attention to my appearance. It's been paying off, and I've been getting lots of compliments. I've been rocking my natural curls, and it feels nice to be noticed. My four year old looks at me Monday, and says "mama you look pretty" and I was so flattered! Then he followed up with, "mama you can't look so pretty all the time". So of course I asked why and he just kinda giggled. Not sure what that was about, but if a four year old noticed your looking better, then I must have been looking pretty tore up!

So I've been getting a little more time away from my kids, and you know what? It makes me want to have even MORE time away from them. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that strange? Actually is it really strange? I started thinking about this, probably cause guilt was eating away at me, and I'm getting a different perspective on it. Maybe what is strange is how much time some of us mothers spend with our kids. Think about it. Back in the day, women didn't work outside the home, but they still didn't spend all day with the kids underfoot. If you lived on a farm, then you were working the farm. If you lived in the city, well then you were outside socializing with kids your age. You were rarely underfoot like kids are today. Parents didn't have to schedule play dates, or take you to the park. You took yourself, and you made your own friends.

So maybe, just maybe I'm not so strange after all........

Question:

Be honest do you REALLY like spending time with your kids?

What do your pictures say about you?

What do your pictures say about you?

So I was looking through old pictures on the computer last night. Isn't funny how we don't print the pictures, but just download them? I have a printer, and yet I still don't print out the pictures! Well anyway, I was looking at old pictures, well actually not so old pictures. They were pics back from dating from 2003 to present. I noticed a recurring theme in all pictures after 2004. I look tired, old, and haggard! What happened to me? How could no one tell me that I've let myself go to this extreme. I'd like to blame most of the really terrible pictures on the age of my babies at the time. Unfortunately this doesn't excuse the pictures from this year.... I look like I don't care about my appearance. My face is usually set in a frown, and I look like.... Well I'll say it again, I look like I don't care about my appearance. This is far from the truth, because I do care, I guess I just don't care enough.

This is so ironic, because I can clearly remember how I viewed women like this in my single days. There were some women who I worked with, that always looked like they didn't take any effort with their appearance. Yet, when their was a special occasion, these same women knew how to get it together. They would pull out the makeup, the cute clothes, and fix their hair nice. Everyone would be amazed, and tell them how nice they looked. Then after that, they would be back to their same old look. Jeans, tshirt, hair pulled back into ponytail, and face devoid of makeup. I was horrified, that these ladies had let themselves go. The way I saw it, you should look your best all the time. It shouldn't matter that you weren't going anywhere, or doing anything special.

Flash forward seven years later, and look at me. I've adopted the same uniform, complete with ponytail, and I only fix up when I have something special to go to. I tell you motherhood and marriage will make you eat your words! I felt so horrible after looking at those pictures, that I've resolved to start taking time with my appearance everyday. Even if I plan on sitting in the house all day, I plan to look good. I look at all the clothes I buy, and sit in the closet to gather dust. Why? Because I'm waiting for a special occasion to wear them. I'm not talking about fancy pansy clothes. I'm talking about that cute sundress that I bought last month, but haven't worn yet. Or those cute sandals with the heel, that stayed in the closet all last summer, in favor of my thong flat sandal. Now I know I have to be practical. Mama can't chase after the kids in stilettos. Yet I have to be honest, and truth is, I don't do physical activities with the kids EVERYDAY. Sometimes we just go to the library, or the bookstore, and on those days, I could bring out that cute sandal with the heel....

Another thing I would like to begin to do, is take more pictures of myself. Nice pictures of myself. Maybe even professional pictures of myself! I don't have one single professional picture of me, outside of my wedding pictures. What's wrong with putting on something cute, and going to get a few pictures done of yourself at the mall? I said the same thing to hubby, and he agreed. He's been losing weight, and looking good, I might say! I told him that he and I should get some couple shots together. No kids, just us! Okay maybe a few with the kids, but definitely some without.

What I'm finding is, I'm not as young as I used to be. The things I did five years ago, may not necessarily give me the same results today. For example I've been noticing some very enlarged pores under my eye area. I had started noticing them, but didn't think they were to bad, until my sister made mention of them. You know what? I'm getting older, which means I need to start making a few tweaks to my old beauty routine. I'm finding a little primer, and a tiny amount of foundation goes a long way to covering those pores. Getting older doesn't mean that you have to look older, it just means that I need to pay a little extra attention to myself. Spend a little more money on body lotion, cuz that cheap crap doesn't cut it anymore. Pay for that paraffin treatment on my dry, tired hands. Oh, and maybe splurge on that facial cream, that eh, promises younger looking skin. I'm not saying I'm chasing youth, but I don't want to look like those pictures say I look like! One thing about it, when you look good, you feel good.

I feel inspired to want to change my mindset, and I'm sure my morning prayers are jump starting this feeling. I'm working on taking control of my emotions, and not letting them rule and control me.

Question for today?

Go look at some pictures, what do they say about how you value yourself?

Are you living life?

People I missed two days of posting! I'm so sorry, and here I was trying to be so focused! Saturday was just me complaining, and quite honestly Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would have been the same thing. But today, I'm back feeling motivated, and inspired! So lets see, Sunday was church, and a visit to my in-laws. I know what your thinking... Actually though, I don't mind visiting my in-laws, it's just that hubby never knows when to leave! The visit drags on, and on, and on.... I was hungry, and although she offered us dinner, I didn't want them to think we just come every Sunday to eat up her food. However I did watch "A Family that Preys" again, and it was just as good as the first time I watched it. I love that movie, in fact I think it is one of Tyler Perry's best efforts. Kathy Bates is really good in it, as well as Alfre Woodward. I like Alfre Woodward in any movie! If she is just in a movie, I will watch it. She's just so real, and down to earth. Actually everyone had some great acting in this movie, on down to Robin Givens.

There was a part in the movie, when someone said (I think Kathy Bates) "are you living, or existing?".

That got to me. Are you living or existing?... That is so deep!

A lot of time I think I'm just existing.... I go through the motions to keep the family running smoothly, but I'm not really living. How do you truly live, when your trying to exist? I mean we all have responsibilities, kids have to eat, someone has to watch them, bills have to get paid... You get the picture. I thought to myself, that if I was to truly live life, then something or someone would be neglected, and then wouldn't that be selfish? So I pondered this question, and it actually had me in a real funk. I started feeling sorry for myself, that my day hadn't been exciting. I mean all I had done was go to church, visit the in laws, ate dinner at Red Robin, and then went home to watch my kids watch television. Oh and I forgot I became extremely angry at hubby, for leaving me in the house with the kids AGAIN while he cut a bush down outside. I mean I was fuming, and he tried to apologise but I wasn't having it. I was all irrational, and I know I came off like a physco, because I wasn't truly mad at him. I was mad because I felt like I was just existing, and that bothered me....

Monday, I pretty much stayed in the same funk, still pissed off that I was just existing and not living. Became angry at hubby again that evening, because after dinner he sat down and started studying for his test. Now this bothered me, because I'm not doing so hot in my own summer class. I'm taking it online, and I'm not meeting the deadlines, and what really bugs me is that the class is super easy! I mean it's just getting on line and discussing things, just like I do here, and yet I'm not doing it. I blame the kids, and being so busy on this, but quite honestly it's just my own laziness. Because if I felt it was important, then I would make time to do it. Right?

So anyway, hubby is over their studying, and feeling all motivated about his class, and I'm sitting there watching him, and becoming incensed. So then I start making some noise, you know just to distract him. I know, I know, pretty childish. But anyway, I started making noise by rubbing my bare foot against the leather sofa, and he looks up, but doesn't say anything. Then he mentions something about how he loves being in school again. Now at that I get ticked off even more, because of the fact he gets to take his class in the classroom, while mine is online. You see for the last few years, I've taken online classes because he claimed he couldn't get home in time to watch the kids. Yet this semester, he took a class in the classroom, and he seems to be able to get home in time to do it, just fine...... Yep, I thought the same thing.

So anyway, after I couldn't get a rise out of him, I figure I'll do my homework, but now I can't get online, and I make a big tadoo out of it, yelling and carrying on. Hubby doesn't say a word (yall he must have been prayed up!) So then I go off in search of textbook, to read, and I can't find it. What I do find is my journal.

This is a journal I started in 96. My last entry in it was 2003! So I started reading it, and guess what? I find I haven't grown that much. In my journal all I complained about was not having a husband, children, and bills. In fact I wrote that if I could be married, have kids, and stay home all day writing, then my life would be perfect. Yeah, I know!! Look at me now, I have a husband, children, and technically I could spend a good portion of the day writing, but I don't. So now I was in even a bigger funk, because on top of just existing, I was now an ungrateful turd.

So what to do, what to do?..... I updated the journal to include my marriage, and kids, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well, and I just didn't feel good. So Tuesday morning, I woke up and I prayed. This is something I should have done in the first place! I prayed and I felt better, and I resolved to stop existing but start living the life I was in right now.

I'm trying to change my mindset, so that I enjoy the things that I do routinely every day. I want to enjoy the kids, and enjoy caring for them, and enjoy preparing healthy meals for them, AND enjoy my time away from them. I am trying to learn how to really LIVE the life that I exist in. If that makes any sense. So I know it's been a long post, but I just wanted to update you. It's been a good day today, and I got my prayer in again this morning. I'm going to evening church service tonight, and I have a nice healthy meal planned out for my family. Later tonight, I'm going to take some time for myself, and do my hair, while I watch a good show. Now that's living!

Okay questions for today?

Are you existing or living life?