Black Friday!

Sorry yall but I'm to old to go shopping on black Friday!  I want to be out there, I really do BUT....  I just don't have the patience.  I really don't think you save that much more money either.  Working in retail has clued me into one thing.  Never pay full price, because eventually it's going on sale!  Within two weeks of receiving shipment in the store I work for, it goes on sale.  I'll never pay full price again.  So black Friday in my opinion, is just a gimmick.  That same stuff will be on sale next week, and on clearance the week after.

Thanksgiving was blessed.  Hubby and I made our first turkey, and small dinner!  It's kinda hard to create your own family traditions when you have in-laws and extended family. Everyone wants you to come to their house, when you really want to start establishing your own holiday rituals.  The logistics can be tricky, because people get real sensitive about this kind of stuff.  So this year I suggested that since my in-laws eat so late on Thanksgiving, that we make our own dinner early and have Thanksgiving lunch.  Now I think this is a great compromise, where I can start to create a little at home tradition for the kids, and still keep the other traditions intact.  As you may have already guessed some people didn't think it was a great thing....  My in-laws didn't come out and say it, but they were perturbed that we didn't invite them....  Which I don't quite understand, since I wasn't trying to make a huge dinner or anything, and I definitely didn't want the pressure of preparing a dinner for other people....  Sometimes it seems like that whatever you do, you can't please everybody.  So anyway it just so happened that my in-laws decided that this year of all years, that they would eat early...  Umm yeah.. I know..  Family, ya gotta love them!  Enough said.  Hubby and I still had our "Thanksgiving lunch " and it was great, and then we ate again at the in laws.  Now the in-laws made me pay for this infraction by defiantly overloading the kids with candy, and slinging veiled insults at
my parenting skills, but I had my Thanksgiving lunch!  You take your power where you can.  And guess what?  I'm having my Thanksgiving lunch next year too, so there!  Oh, and Christmas?  Well I'm going for the prize on Christmas.  I'm having my OWN Christmas dinner, and I'm going to suggest a Christmas brunch at the in-laws.  I know it's suicide but what can I say, I like to walk on the dangerous side. I'll let you know how it pans out.

 So I'm working part-time/seasonal and the job is very interesting.  I've never worked in retail before and I struggle everyday to find appropriate clothing that doesn't look like mommy gear, to wear to work.  I never realized how "mommy" my appearance had become until I started working in retail.  Those young girls with their leggings, and high heeled boots...  Their makeup is perfect, manicures fresh, clothes fitted and they know just how to put together the clothes and I feel incredibly inadequate next to them.   Here I am almost forty and some little twenty year old is outdoing me!  I want to yell sometimes, "don't you know who I used to be!" but then I look at my mommy slacks that could be taken in a bit at the waist, and my boots from three years ago, and my nails that desperately need a manicure, and I sigh.....  I've been slippin.  How does that happen?  How can you be turning heads one day, and then the next day your just the "mommy"?  My "boss" is 23!  Twenty-three!!!!!  She was in high-school when I had my first baby!  Ya gotta laugh at it though.....  What else are you going to do?

So the other day I'm dropping my kindergartner to school and I overhear this conversation these two girls are having.  They are both Korean exchange students and one girl said she was going to stay home with her kids when she married.  Well the other girl ripped into her, and told her that all she would end up doing is laundry, cooking and driving people around.  Now as I was just about to "drive" my other child to preschool, I was highly offended.  It really made me think about how as parents both stay-at-home and outside-working parents, we do so much and these kids don't appreciate it.  This teenager dismissed what her mother does for her in a few sentences, and it makes you wonder....  Is that how my kids will see what I've done for them one day?  I guess my point is as parents we have to be so careful not put all of our energy into these kids.  I'm not saying we shouldn't put energy into raising our kids, but sometimes we put everything into them, and have nothing left for ourselves.  Ya know what?  Kids our selfish.

Fairy Dust

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust?  The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your bills are paid. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your life is exactly the way you want it. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

 You know what’s so great about fairy dust?  You don’t have to do any work.  You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part.  Now you smile, but come on.  How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives?  As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life. 

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day! 

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting. 

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence.  Then I thought about it a bit deeper. 

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply.  This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality.  My reality? 

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around.  No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives.  We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances.  We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive.  Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face. 

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month.  I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending.  I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary.  I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work.  I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff.  Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work. 

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust.  Sprinkle, sprinkle…..

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate motherhood so intensely that I want to scream.  A ripping, piercing loud scream. 

I can feel it starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and it longs to be set free---yet I subdue it.  Who could know looking at me from the outside, that I have such ugly thoughts?  The picture of content mother, I am.  With my quiet patient voice, my mommy voice---but I’m not.  Not really.  I hate this thing I’ve become.  Part mother, part wife, and none of me.  It makes me ache, at what I’ve lost.  Nagging kids, always needing, always wanting, always here…..  All day, all night, every waking morning----they need something.

Yet this is just sometimes….

 It doesn’t stop, and I wonder will it ever stop?  What is it that won’t stop?  That’s just it, I don’t know.  Sometimes I don’t know what the “it” is.  “It” is always changing.  Is it motherhood?  Is it marriage?  Is it lack of fulfillment?  Is it life?  Is it the pure essence of everything all balled up together? 

I don’t know, but there is always this nagging feeling that there is more out there.  That I’m missing something.  So I frantically gather all these different things to try to appease that feeling in some way.  Yet I still come up lacking…

Is life so unfair, that you’re never truly happy until your old, and your body no longer cooperates with you?  Is it that old woman, sitting in the coffee shop smiling at me, as I smile at my kids, that I’m destined to become?  That old woman who looks as though she holds all the answers, and looks content to just sit and sip her coffee. “It goes by fast, so enjoy it!” the old woman tells me with a knowing smile.  What I really want to say, as I smile back politely is, “It can’t go by fast enough!”   Yet I know there is truth in what she says.  I can look back at my twenties and realize I spent too much time and effort worrying about things that didn’t matter.  Yet in this moment of parenthood, and thirtyhood it is hard to just “enjoy” it. 

Yet the word sometimes, is really just that---sometimes.  Sometimes is so great because it’s just that—sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes….  And sometimes it’s different. 

Sometimes I enjoy the kids with their grubby faces, and their never ending attention.  Sometimes I look at my husband, and am so thankful that of all the women he could have chosen--God gave him to me.  Sometimes I love my cluttered house, with my yet unpainted walls, and many unfinished projects.  Sometimes I love being so busy, that the day flies by.  Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes.  What a great word.

I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.

My enlarged pores

Why are my pores so big? No really, why are my pores so big? All of a sudden as I creep closer and closer forty, the pores around my tzone have expanded.

Y'all, my pores are huge!

Now you would think that as many things as I could focus on in my life, that this would be the very least of them. Yet I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see them. How vain is that? My face looks like I'm bathing in olive oil, and my pores stay open. I've tried clay masks, those painful biore strips, and to no avail. My pores are still staring at me, as if it to say "gotcha"!

Now I have an appointment scheduled with the dermatologist, but it's not until two more weeks. Oh, and get this. I go to make the appointment and the receptionist says "you have an outstanding balance, so we can't make any appointments for you". So I'm thinking, oh goodness, what didn't the insurance pay. Do you know that women opened her mouth, to inform me that I owed $5.00.

$5.00!

Now as much as I pay for an appointment she has the audacity to ask me about $5.00! It seems that my copay of $20 increased to $25. Her reasoning behind banning me from seeing the doctor, was "we sent you several letters". It's like the doctors office forgets that we are actually the customer, and it's up to them to satisfy us. Well anyway, hopefully after I get the privilege of seeing the dermatologist, she can put an end to this pore mystery. How much you want to bet the visit will end with me spending a lot of out of pocket money on her line of cleansing products? Everybody has a hustle.....

I know this was a frivolous post and I'm not going to even pretend it's anything else. So no questions today, I'll get deep for you tomorrow (smile)...

Simple living equals grateful

Remember when you lived with a lot less? Not just financially, but emotionally and physically as well?

I was listening to a song on the radio from the eighties from a group called "The Winans", the song was entitled "The Question Is?" Immediately I was transported back to where I was, when I used to listen to this song. I could almost see myself in my parents home, sitting back on a Saturday listening to music, and just doing nothing.

Doing nothing...

How often do we just not do anything these days? I really miss those simple days from years before. My parents didn't cart me off to activity after activity, and they didn't feel guilty that they didn't. I spent my summers at home, no summer camp, no play groups, just sitting at home enjoying home. Oh, and if I opened my mouth to whine that I was bored, as I was prone to do, well mama knew how to fix that.

She put your behind to work. Mop the floor (on hands and knees), wash some dishes, dust some tables.....until I wasn't so bored. After that I was only too glad to get out of there and find something to occupy my time. Now I escaped mostly into books, while my sister daydreamed, and my brother watched TV, or took something apart just to put it back together again. Then sometimes we all went outside, and rode bikes, or walked to the corner store. The point is, my parents had little to do with my activities, because we were self sufficient. They kept their eyes on us, and laid down the rules for which their were dire consequences, but for the most part, we were self sufficient.

My parents struggled financially, but it wasn't over luxuries, it was over necessities. They didn't squander their hard earned money on a bunch of designer clothes, or all the new gadgets that I feel like I should have. The budget was pretty simple, food, mortgage, utilities, clothing.

Pretty simple huh?

Their wasn't a separate budget for eating out, movies, or personal care. Our only eating out expense was our McDonald's Friday, for which we lived for. You didn't order Big Mac meals either, you ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and small drink. Yet every Friday we looked forward to this night out, and we were grateful.

Grateful.

Now that's a word you don't hear often these days. I tell my kids to be grateful, and it irritates me when they aren't, but am I truly grateful? I would have to honestly answer no. If I were grateful, then the clothes that I spent so much money for, wouldn't be stuffed into drawers as we speak. If I were truly grateful, then my van wouldn't be so messy, nor my house for that matter wouldn't be so disorganized and messy. If I were truly grateful then I would take care of the things that I have with such care, that they wouldn't break down. If I were truly grateful then I wouldn't be sitting around thinking about how I can buy more things, without first appreciating the things that I have.

My life, and that of my family is in need of streamlining. I need to simplify my life by removing a lot unnecessary junk out of it. My kids can play right outside in my driveway rather than always running to the most high tech park out there. I mean they honestly have enough toys that I could create my own preschool! I need less eating out, and more eating what is right in my kitchen. Less snacking and more eating at designated meal times. I don't ever remember my mom saying "snack time!". Maybe that's why kids today are more obese than ever before....

I do to much laundry!

Really, I entirely too much laundry. My mom had a family of five and she did laundry at the most twice per week, and this was done at the laundry mat until we could afford a washer and dryer. We didn't pull off clothes and throw them in the laundry baskets, you folded them up, and placed them back in your drawer to wear another day. The only thing you changed everyday was, underwear. How were we able to do this? Well for one thing, you were more careful about your clothes when you wore them. Why? Well because you were grateful, so you took better care of them when you would eat, and play.

Their is that word again.

Grateful. I really need to simplify my life, and be more grateful.

Question

How simple is your life compared to how you grew up?

Is it really back to school time?

Wow can you believe it's August?! I see all these back to school sales, and it's amazing too me how retailers rush the seasons. It's more amazing too me how well it works! Cuz I wasn't even thinking about buying back to school stuff for the kids...until I saw the sale signs. Now I'm getting all in a panic, thinking "I've got to get school supplies, before their gone..!"

Before their gone....

Now you and I both know, that their will be stuff left over, for probably the same price. Yet that's how these retailers get us to spend our money. Soooo even though I know that I'm being controlled by the "machine". I'm taking my butt over to the Childrens Place, to catch that $5.00 sale on long sleeve shirts, for my soon to be kindergartner, and preschooler.

You can't fight the machine....

So I know I haven't been updating this thing everyday, but you have to admit I'm doing better than I ever have at it.

Besides you guys don't comment anyway.

Well I shouldn't say that huh? It sounds a little stank.... I also troll many blogs and never comment, so I shouldn't sit in my glass house, and hurl stones. But.... A girl would like a few of my questions answered, every once in a while....

So I was reading my curlynikki blog today, and it's her anniversary. I love that blog, it's so inspiring and she's a young lady that is really doing what she loves. She's been on Tyra, and is now a contributor to Tyra, all from one blog!

The bible does say that your gift will make room for you!

She put the work in was true to herself, and it paid off. She didn't start off trying to be famous. She was just trying to find ways to keep her natural hair healthy, and BAM! Her destiny hit her. How wonderful is that?

So it started my thought process going again. I began to ask myself questions. Such as why don't I post more of my own writing on this blog? Hmmm, am I afraid of the quality, the comments, the critique....? Yep, I am.

So on that note, I think I'll conquer some of my fears, and find a way to add a tab to this thing that lets me post some of my short stories, or maybe even a couple of chapters at a time of one my manuscripts. Did you know that's how the author Zane started? If you don't know Zane is a black author of some really erotic books. Look her up, your hubby will be glad you did! (smile)

Maybe one day I'll put a picture on this thing.... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Questions:

Are you doing what you love to do? AND What inspires you TO DO what you love to do?

Last question: How do I add tabs do this thing?