Okay I won't even begin to apologize for my lax in posting. Just love me anyway ok? Today I was perusing my favorite gossip sites, bossip, concreteloop... Reading about all the celebrities and when one particular one would catch my eye, I google them and find out their beauty secrets. Which got me to thinking... Why? Why am I and other people so fascinated about what celebrities wear, do eat, and go out with? Aren't they really just like us? Why do you think we try so hard to emulate people who are airbrushed into perfection? They have teams of people at their disposal to keep them beautiful and fit, and some of us look just as good if not better. Yet I still find myself copying their looks, or clothes. I have to admit they even sometimes inspire me to perk my own game up. Be honest, how many times have you seen a beautiful woman in a magazine or on television and thought "I'm going to do better to look good?"
Let's take for example Housewives of Atlanta. Now they may be ghetto, broke and quite ridiculous. But..... When I see them all glammed up, hair done, nails manicured, it makes me want to do better. When I see some of them (not all) starting their own business, and making that paper, well it inspires me to remember my own dreams. So maybe celebrities are the benchmark for what we believe success is. Is that so wrong? Is it? I know we really should put value into things that aren't as tangible, like our health, children, and self worth. Yet I am still drawn to all the glamour and excitement that celebrities bring.
Do I want to be a celebrity? I don't know. Sometimes I want the perks of stardom, but I don't know if I want the scrutiny. Isn't that what celebrities struggle with? Not wanting the attention but wanting the glory? If you could choose, which would it be?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Feeling inspired
So Tuesday was terrible. I didn't get to do anything for myself but I did get some things done off my list. I made a list a few days ago because I was just feeling so overwhelmed. Lists have always helped me to feel organized;even when I'm not. There is something so motivating about being able to cross something off the list. Even if it's something small like "find red lipgloss". When I'm able to cross a few things off, then I feel like I accomplished something, and it's right there in black and white as proof.
So anyway I cleaned my bathroom tub, mopped the bathroom floor and recleaned and organized the drawers and underneath the sink area for probably the hundreth time. I know, I know the key to organization is to keep things organized, right? Yet I just can't seem to keep things organized but I figure if I just keep doing it, then its bound to stick, right? I also cleaned out my big, tall, cabinet that doesn't match anything else in my room, and is solely for housing all of my beauty projects purchased in a fit of "product junkyism". Did I mention I purchased another (okay two more!) beauty products. One was a coconut conditioner that was reviewed on curly nikki and the other was the matching coconut mouse. I have been trying to henna my hair for the last few months, but I just can't seem to make the time. Maybe this weekend but who I am I kidding? I tell you, that's one thing I miss making time for, and that's doing my beauty rituals. I read these blogs like curly nikki and I think "where the hell does she find the time do all this stuff?!" I mean she is doing the henna and the twist n curl's and overnight deep conditioners. Half the time I'm lucky if I get a shower! I think I've figured it out. She must not have kids. It will be interesting to see how much hair gets hennaed and twisted once she procreates. For now I'll just enjoy her blogs and live vicariously through her. She gives some great tips and her hair is gorgeous. Every day when I peek at it, I'm inspired to do something different to my hair. I get that way when I go to somebodies house that's decorated nicely or that is very clean too. I want to go home and emulate what I admire. I guess that's a good thing. Maybe that's why they say you should surround yourself with people you want to aspire to be. If you just sit around with other people who have junky, cluttered homes, and jacked up hair then you're never challenged to change or behave differently. My new friends home wasn't a masterpiece but it was a home like mine yet more organized. You can tell she likes to entertain and she made the kids and I lunch with her little salad spinner and homemade dressing. It just felt nice and has inspired me to start purchasing some home gadgets myself. Yep countertop, make way for the new salad spinner! I'm home so I might as well make it as comfortable as possible, right?
So my question this morning before my kids come in the here (I hear them talking to each other in their beds).
Does going to another persons home inspire you to change your own surroundings?
So anyway I cleaned my bathroom tub, mopped the bathroom floor and recleaned and organized the drawers and underneath the sink area for probably the hundreth time. I know, I know the key to organization is to keep things organized, right? Yet I just can't seem to keep things organized but I figure if I just keep doing it, then its bound to stick, right? I also cleaned out my big, tall, cabinet that doesn't match anything else in my room, and is solely for housing all of my beauty projects purchased in a fit of "product junkyism". Did I mention I purchased another (okay two more!) beauty products. One was a coconut conditioner that was reviewed on curly nikki and the other was the matching coconut mouse. I have been trying to henna my hair for the last few months, but I just can't seem to make the time. Maybe this weekend but who I am I kidding? I tell you, that's one thing I miss making time for, and that's doing my beauty rituals. I read these blogs like curly nikki and I think "where the hell does she find the time do all this stuff?!" I mean she is doing the henna and the twist n curl's and overnight deep conditioners. Half the time I'm lucky if I get a shower! I think I've figured it out. She must not have kids. It will be interesting to see how much hair gets hennaed and twisted once she procreates. For now I'll just enjoy her blogs and live vicariously through her. She gives some great tips and her hair is gorgeous. Every day when I peek at it, I'm inspired to do something different to my hair. I get that way when I go to somebodies house that's decorated nicely or that is very clean too. I want to go home and emulate what I admire. I guess that's a good thing. Maybe that's why they say you should surround yourself with people you want to aspire to be. If you just sit around with other people who have junky, cluttered homes, and jacked up hair then you're never challenged to change or behave differently. My new friends home wasn't a masterpiece but it was a home like mine yet more organized. You can tell she likes to entertain and she made the kids and I lunch with her little salad spinner and homemade dressing. It just felt nice and has inspired me to start purchasing some home gadgets myself. Yep countertop, make way for the new salad spinner! I'm home so I might as well make it as comfortable as possible, right?
So my question this morning before my kids come in the here (I hear them talking to each other in their beds).
Does going to another persons home inspire you to change your own surroundings?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Stepmom blues
So yesterday wasn't a great day. Today is looking pretty dim. Now I've already prayed and I'm trying to rid myself of negative thinking, but..... I just can't help but get a little pissed off about the taxi service I have to provide today. As a stepmom you can't help but to start feeling a bit resentful (okay a lot resentful) about having to "mother" someone else's child. My husband wanted custody but I feel like I do ninety percent of the work involved in taking care of him. Now I know that he works and I'm at home so, I shouldn't feel resentful, but sometimes I do.
Let's take today for example. Now I did all the leg work/phone calling to get my stepson this interview for a volunteer oportunity. Even when I asked my husband to call he never followed up. So knowing how important this is for my stepson's college applications, I set everything up myself. Today is Tuesday which is my busy day. My three year old has preschool and my two year old has mommy and me storytime at the bookstore. After that we have a playdate. So I have to have everyone dressed and fed, hair combed by 8:30am to get to everything on time. So drop off three year old, and take two year old to story time after our doughnut ritual. Now best believe she will be whining and complaining the whole time;kinda like what I'm doing now. After storytime we will go to our playdate and then go have lunch. Now here is where things get hectic. I have to pick my stepson up from his school at 2:00pm so no nap for the little one's so it's best if I just stay out until around that time and don't even go home. That means bathroom time will have to be in some public place. Have you ever used public restrooms with your little one's? Yeah it can get REAL nasty! So I have to pick him up at 2pm then take him to his interview at the museum. I'll have to get everyone out of the car, because their is no way the kids will let me sit in the car with the childrens museum in the line of sight. Now I KNOW once we get in their the interview won't take long, so I'll go through hell to make the kids understand that we have to leave the museum in order to get my stepson back to school for football practice. Football practice is at 3pm and should go untill 6pm but it always doesn't. Sometimes he calls at 5pm right when I'm in the middle of cooking and says "I'm done early can you pick me up" which I then have to get pack up the kids and stop mid-cook and go pick him up. Well anyway if practice does run until 6pm then I have to pick him back up again from school and take him to tutoring. Tutoring ends at 7:30pm and it's highly unlikely that my husband will get home in time to pick him up because he is working in the city today of all days. Now my husband also has a eye appointment at 5:30 that he had me make but now says he doesn't think he'll be able to make. So I'll have to look like an idiot and call to cancel that when I actually need to go to the eye doctor myself but won't be able to because of my stepson's activities. Now in between all of this I need to find time to cook dinner and clean the house and do some math homework, which I'm already behind in;but I probably won't. Now I will do all of this running around on my stepsons behalf while my husband sits his behind in Manhattan probably grinnin and skinnin at his coworkers and talking sports. Then he'll come home and all praise will go up because "daddy's home!" and he'll look around at the house with that "what does she do all day" look on his face. When he is jabbering with his friends he will moan and sigh about how much work it is to be a custodial dad, and I'll sit there with a sour look on my face, thinking "it must be nice". Oh and while I do all this running around for my stepson, he my stepson will sit there with a ugly look on his face as though he can't stand to be in the same car with me and mumble out one syllable answers to my questions.
Me: "How was school?"
Him: "good"
Me: "Any homework?"
Him: "some"
You see he tries his best to think of me as just a "worker" kinda like the maid or the housekeeper. If I don't speak to him when he gets in the van, then he won't speak at all. I'm not sure if this is just teenager crap or he just thinks of me as the "stepmonster" so figures it's best he not speak to me at all. At any rate when he see's his dad, its all love. Sometimes he tries to speak about me like I'm not in the room. For example if I close the door to his room, he'll ask his dad really loud in front of me "who closed my door;my door should stay open!".
Monday, November 2, 2009
My Monday Rant
So it's M0nday.... I can remember back when I was a carefree single girl with no kids that I dreaded Mondays. They were an end to my weekend and a start of another work week. Now I still dread Mondays but my reasons are entirely different. The main reason is that I'll be alone with the kids again while my husband goes to work. He'll get a break and I won't is pretty much what it amounts to. They (the children) awaken early and thus begins the begging. I need milk! I'm hungry! Can we go somewhere?! Isn't it amazing how kids will repeat the same thing twenty times until they get it? If only I could be that persistent then I could maybe nag my husband into completing all these half completed projects around the house. Or maybe I could nag myself into becoming a published author.
My husband really pisses me off sometimes. He has the audacity to open his mouth and utter complaints and gripes about what I don't do while I sit there looking at all the crap he's started and never completed.
Let's start a list, shall we?
Holes in the ceiling from a yet unfinished recess light project, A half painted wall in the hallway that he started a year and a half ago. A microwave oven purchased three years ago that still hasn't been installed in the kitchen and sits in the basement collecting dust. Linen closets and bedroom closets with no doors. Windows with no blinds. Dry wall patches never painted only sanded. Daylight peaking through gaps that need to be caulked before Central Hudson comes and gets our first born for payment. The insulation of the entire home that he starts every few months completes a little bit and then stops. The atrocious lawn that has more weed than grass that he rarely does anything with including raking leaves or mowing the grass. The handrail that he never put up by the stairs so that the children teeter precariously as they go up and down. The garage that noone can use because he pushed all the junk from the basement that he never finished into the garage (this was so that he could do the floor of the basement-but he never completed it) making it unusable. So now when it rains the kids and I just get soaked as I run from the house to the van. The storm door that was never purchased and installed which further inflates the energy bill. The ceiling in the hallway that he just HAD to put a pull out door in. This was because he needed to get into the attic to insulate... Yeah that same insulation project that he started two years ago and still has not finished. So now every fall/winter the kids and I walk around in sweaters and jackets while he sits in a nice, warm office and repeatedly calls to make sure that I'm not turning up the heat to high. The window pane that freezes and ices over because it's missing an outside pane that he never replaced. Did I mention the basement? Yeah I did but I forgot to mention that the whole wall seperating the garage from the basement is missing... Yep missing. You see he removed that wall when he gutted the house. The bathroom downstairs that will probably never be finished. He's slow with all projects but bathrooms in particular are slower than most. The last bathroom he did in our old condo required us to stay in a hotel and then once that became to expensive, with his mama! The ceramic in the foyer that he never grouted. The grouted floor in the kitchen that he never sealed after it was grouted so now it needs to be grouted again. The stair case that nees to be painted because it looks all cruddy and nasty. The outside door that needs to be painted and the peeling paint around the door that gives it that "I don't care how my house looks appeal". The peeling pink paint around the garage that needs to be removed and painted. The pictures sitting on the floor that need to be hung. I think I mentioned that we still have paper blinds on windows after three years? Yeah I did.
Now you may think to yourself well why don't you just hire someone? Uh Uh that's a big "NO" in my husbands book. First of all their is the financial aspect of hiring somone that he says we just can't do and then their is the reason he won't talk about. Control. Yep he's a control freak who can't admit he's a control freak. We could budget the money to get one project done at a time but he doesn't want to pay anyone what he thinks he can do. In a lot cases he can do it and he is very talented at what he does, but he just never finishes anything.
Our house is a testimony to all of his unfinished projects and I have become so disgusted at looking at them that it cause me not to want to do anything at all. I look at him sometimes and I just get so angry. It can't be healthy to feel this much anger, yet I love him. I came into marriage so naive. I always assumed that in a marriage what was important to you would be important to your spouse. Yet that's not the case. In marriage selfishness rules and I haven't quite learned how to be selfish. I'm trying but it's still very hard for me. When I complain he says that he doesn't do a lot of things because I won't keep the house up. Lies. Even though he attempts to make me feel like an incompetent housewife, I know that I'm not. I'm not perfect but do a whole lot more than a lot of wives and stepmoms would do. I used to get all upset and then attempt to be all that he wanted me to be but now I say "whatever!". He is definitely not perfect and neither am I. So what the hell you come home and their are toys on the floor. You have kids, get used to it. Or who cares that you washed a load of laundry when you got home from work or washed dishes. This is your home too and contrary to your belief system it's not just MY job to take care of the home and children. It's my job when your at work but when your home we SHARE in the responsibilities.
I'm getting fed up with a lot of crap that has been going on in my life. I need to take more control. I need to get selfish...
My husband really pisses me off sometimes. He has the audacity to open his mouth and utter complaints and gripes about what I don't do while I sit there looking at all the crap he's started and never completed.
Let's start a list, shall we?
Holes in the ceiling from a yet unfinished recess light project, A half painted wall in the hallway that he started a year and a half ago. A microwave oven purchased three years ago that still hasn't been installed in the kitchen and sits in the basement collecting dust. Linen closets and bedroom closets with no doors. Windows with no blinds. Dry wall patches never painted only sanded. Daylight peaking through gaps that need to be caulked before Central Hudson comes and gets our first born for payment. The insulation of the entire home that he starts every few months completes a little bit and then stops. The atrocious lawn that has more weed than grass that he rarely does anything with including raking leaves or mowing the grass. The handrail that he never put up by the stairs so that the children teeter precariously as they go up and down. The garage that noone can use because he pushed all the junk from the basement that he never finished into the garage (this was so that he could do the floor of the basement-but he never completed it) making it unusable. So now when it rains the kids and I just get soaked as I run from the house to the van. The storm door that was never purchased and installed which further inflates the energy bill. The ceiling in the hallway that he just HAD to put a pull out door in. This was because he needed to get into the attic to insulate... Yeah that same insulation project that he started two years ago and still has not finished. So now every fall/winter the kids and I walk around in sweaters and jackets while he sits in a nice, warm office and repeatedly calls to make sure that I'm not turning up the heat to high. The window pane that freezes and ices over because it's missing an outside pane that he never replaced. Did I mention the basement? Yeah I did but I forgot to mention that the whole wall seperating the garage from the basement is missing... Yep missing. You see he removed that wall when he gutted the house. The bathroom downstairs that will probably never be finished. He's slow with all projects but bathrooms in particular are slower than most. The last bathroom he did in our old condo required us to stay in a hotel and then once that became to expensive, with his mama! The ceramic in the foyer that he never grouted. The grouted floor in the kitchen that he never sealed after it was grouted so now it needs to be grouted again. The stair case that nees to be painted because it looks all cruddy and nasty. The outside door that needs to be painted and the peeling paint around the door that gives it that "I don't care how my house looks appeal". The peeling pink paint around the garage that needs to be removed and painted. The pictures sitting on the floor that need to be hung. I think I mentioned that we still have paper blinds on windows after three years? Yeah I did.
Now you may think to yourself well why don't you just hire someone? Uh Uh that's a big "NO" in my husbands book. First of all their is the financial aspect of hiring somone that he says we just can't do and then their is the reason he won't talk about. Control. Yep he's a control freak who can't admit he's a control freak. We could budget the money to get one project done at a time but he doesn't want to pay anyone what he thinks he can do. In a lot cases he can do it and he is very talented at what he does, but he just never finishes anything.
Our house is a testimony to all of his unfinished projects and I have become so disgusted at looking at them that it cause me not to want to do anything at all. I look at him sometimes and I just get so angry. It can't be healthy to feel this much anger, yet I love him. I came into marriage so naive. I always assumed that in a marriage what was important to you would be important to your spouse. Yet that's not the case. In marriage selfishness rules and I haven't quite learned how to be selfish. I'm trying but it's still very hard for me. When I complain he says that he doesn't do a lot of things because I won't keep the house up. Lies. Even though he attempts to make me feel like an incompetent housewife, I know that I'm not. I'm not perfect but do a whole lot more than a lot of wives and stepmoms would do. I used to get all upset and then attempt to be all that he wanted me to be but now I say "whatever!". He is definitely not perfect and neither am I. So what the hell you come home and their are toys on the floor. You have kids, get used to it. Or who cares that you washed a load of laundry when you got home from work or washed dishes. This is your home too and contrary to your belief system it's not just MY job to take care of the home and children. It's my job when your at work but when your home we SHARE in the responsibilities.
I'm getting fed up with a lot of crap that has been going on in my life. I need to take more control. I need to get selfish...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Where did September go?.
I don't know where the month of September and October went, it just flew by. For the past two months I've been mommy on the go. From taking the little one's to preschool, and mommy and me classes and then to after-school football practice, and tutoring. Then right back home to laundry, dinner, cleaning house and my own school work. Whew! I'm tired!
It feels like there is never anytime for myself. I rent movies to watch and they just sit and collect dust until Blockbuster calls to tell me they want them back. I've become the frumpy mom, complete with no makeup, ponytail and the same outfit day after day. So how does one correct this? How do you stop being frumpy "do-it-all" mom?
Maybe we have to become a little more selfish.
I know that sounds terrible right? Yet I think it is sometimes necessary to be selfish in order to maintain sanity. I let my home go all last weekend, and guess what? Noone reported me to the local newspaper for being a terrible mother and wife... Dishes lay in the sink and cheerios littered the floor. Laundry piled up and I didn't cook anything for anyone, instead McDonalds and Wendys fed my little one's and the husband and teenager fended for themselves. I did homework, I took the kids to the toy store and I did nothing. Saturday morning while everyone slept, I crept out of the house like a ninja at 6am and went to Paneras. I took a book with me and had a cup of coffee and read until my husband called me around 8am. "Where are you", he said in a somewhat irritated tone. "When are you coming home?" once again in an irritated tone. He couldn't complain to much because he had snuck off to golf Thursday and left me sick with the kids, as well as he went to the movies Friday night, and was going again that evening to a birthday party with his friends.
The best part of my morning? The silence. It was so nice to have some peace and be able to sip a cup of coffee without the kids. In fact I think I do it again this Saturday morning. I also went out with a girlfriend on Sunday night and had dinner and drinks. I didn't worry about the money or the time, I just enjoyed. It was nice being so selfish. I also didn't "ask" my hubby to watch the kids, I just told him I was going out, and "expected" him to take care of the kids, just like he "expects" that I will take care of the kids when he goes out.
So what I'm learning is that sometimes you have to be a little selfish in regards to time for yourself. If you don't take the time, then nonone will ever offer it to you. They will just the assume that you enjoy being the frumpy, do-it-all mommy....
My question for you
Are you selfish enough?
It feels like there is never anytime for myself. I rent movies to watch and they just sit and collect dust until Blockbuster calls to tell me they want them back. I've become the frumpy mom, complete with no makeup, ponytail and the same outfit day after day. So how does one correct this? How do you stop being frumpy "do-it-all" mom?
Maybe we have to become a little more selfish.
I know that sounds terrible right? Yet I think it is sometimes necessary to be selfish in order to maintain sanity. I let my home go all last weekend, and guess what? Noone reported me to the local newspaper for being a terrible mother and wife... Dishes lay in the sink and cheerios littered the floor. Laundry piled up and I didn't cook anything for anyone, instead McDonalds and Wendys fed my little one's and the husband and teenager fended for themselves. I did homework, I took the kids to the toy store and I did nothing. Saturday morning while everyone slept, I crept out of the house like a ninja at 6am and went to Paneras. I took a book with me and had a cup of coffee and read until my husband called me around 8am. "Where are you", he said in a somewhat irritated tone. "When are you coming home?" once again in an irritated tone. He couldn't complain to much because he had snuck off to golf Thursday and left me sick with the kids, as well as he went to the movies Friday night, and was going again that evening to a birthday party with his friends.
The best part of my morning? The silence. It was so nice to have some peace and be able to sip a cup of coffee without the kids. In fact I think I do it again this Saturday morning. I also went out with a girlfriend on Sunday night and had dinner and drinks. I didn't worry about the money or the time, I just enjoyed. It was nice being so selfish. I also didn't "ask" my hubby to watch the kids, I just told him I was going out, and "expected" him to take care of the kids, just like he "expects" that I will take care of the kids when he goes out.
So what I'm learning is that sometimes you have to be a little selfish in regards to time for yourself. If you don't take the time, then nonone will ever offer it to you. They will just the assume that you enjoy being the frumpy, do-it-all mommy....
My question for you
Are you selfish enough?
Monday, August 24, 2009
What do you choose to be today?
“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”
“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”
I wearily open one eye, and cover my head with the pillow. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. There is silence for a few minutes, and then he bellows again, sounding for all the world like a cow.
“MOMMY M-I-I-I-L-K!”
I love him. I really love him, but right now I’m just pissed! It’s 6:30 in the morning, and he’s up already. He didn’t go to bed till after 10 last night, so he should be tired. But no, he’s awake yelling for milk. If I don’t hurry and honor his demands, he’ll wake the other one up.
I roll out of bed, and quickly enter the room they share.
“I want milk money” he says in a plaintive loud whine.
“Shh!” I respond glancing furtively over at his sister’s crib. Fortunately she’s still asleep. I stare back into the face of my almost three year old little boy.
Pure anger courses through my veins, and for just a half of a second, maybe a millisecond, I want to spank him.
The urge to punish him for waking me up, goes away just as fast as it came, but my hostility still remains. I never could understand how parents could abuse their children, but I can see how it starts.
I’m so tired. Why won’t he just go back to sleep? He can’t be that damn thirsty at 6:30am. Why is he so needy?! All these thoughts flying through my mind, as I stare down at his little face.
“Are you angry mommy?” he asks innocently as only a child can.
Shame replaces my hostility.
“No, mommy’s not angry” I lie.
“We have to be quiet” I say. “We don’t want to wake sister up”.
“Are you sad?” he whispers taking my hand and getting out of his train bed.
I think about his question for a moment, and then I answer.
“Yes Miles. Mommy’s sad” I answer honestly.
My eyes well up with tears, as I recognize the truth of this statement.
I am sad.
Somewhere in between marriage and kids, I’ve lost myself, and it saddens me.
I’m not me anymore.
I’m someone’s wife, someone’s mommy, but I don’t exist outside these titles.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Marriage and motherhood was supposed to enrich my life, make it better, and complete me. I must admit I imagined being a stay-at-home mother, was going to be a breeze.
I figured I’d love on my kids all day, while preparing elaborate meals for my husband, and keeping an immaculate home. In my downtime (yeah, I thought I’d have downtime) I would pursue my writing career, and in my spare time (yep, dumb me thought their would be spare time) I would go to school and finish a degree. My home would be like a preschool for my little ones. I vowed to rarely turn the television on, as I myself would fill their minds with books and knowledge.
I’d be a regular Joan Cleaver I thought, remembering the reruns of “Leave it to Beaver”. Except unlike Joan I’d also be career minded. I imagined my husband coming home to me looking exceptionally fly and sexy. I imagined I would greet him at the door with a cup of tea, and then once I settled him comfortably, I would draw him a bath. Yeah I used the word “draw’. That’s how out of touch with reality I was.
I would be a triple threat. An exceptional wife, mother, and career women. Oh yeah, and I’d also be in exceptional shape, because I’d be working out everyday.
Yeah right! What I didn’t plan on was the reality of life. First of all, two kids under three do not equal an immaculate home. It equals, toys strewn all over the place, and me struggling to put them away just as quickly as they pull them out. I didn’t count on trying to grocery shop with children for these elaborate meals, or the mountain of laundry that had to be completed on a daily basis.
I didn’t figure in the number of diaper changes that had to take place, or that by the time I fixed breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then served breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then cleaned up after breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, that I would be dog tired, and half the day would be gone.
I didn’t realize that the only time I could pursue my writing career was while the kids napped, or if they napped. But nap time produced too many decisions. Do I cook dinner? Do I clean the home? Do I do laundry? Do I sleep? Do I eat breakfast/lunch? Do I workout? Do I shower and get dressed? Or do I write? I never imagined that I would begin to use the television as a babysitter in order to get things accomplished, and then feel disgusted that my babies had watched television all day.
I didn’t plan on my husband coming home later, and later each evening. For someone has to make the money. Nor did I count on the feeling of uselessness I would feel at not bringing anything of monetary value into the home. Or the hints by my husband, that he was the one providing for our family, not myself so money making decisions were more so his department.
My job as he often reminds is to take care of him, the family, and the home. “You can do you, when they go to school” he tells me, not trying to be selfish, but not realizing how selfish this sounds.
What we don’t say out loud, is the truth. Which is; I will never be able to “just do me”. Neither one of us will ever be able to just “do us”. There is no me or him after marriage and kids, only “them”. He’s stuck just like I am stuck.
Tears stream down my face, as I pour my son’s milk into his red racecar cup. I mourn the pitiful state my life has become. Marriage and children have sucked every drop of life from me. My days consists of shuffling behind my children obeying their every wish, and cleaning and cooking, only to clean and cook again.
I am sad.
My little one, tugs at my robe.
“Mommy?”
“Yes Miles”
“Hug?” he says opening his little arms for me.
I get down to his level, and accept his love. His unconditional love. He knows nothing but me and the people that love him. He only knows emotions in their simplest forms. How can I not appreciate that? Is his care and well being not my most important job? Is he not worth losing myself?
Yes he is.
I hug him, and smile.
“You happy mommy” he asks smiling.
“Yes, I’m happy Miles” I answer. And at this moment I am.
“MAMA MILK!”
“MAMA MILK!” another little voice yells from the bedroom. She is up, and she is more demanding than the other one. Much more active, and much harder to control. She smiles when she sees me. She is happy.
Life is what it is.
You either choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, or you choose to be angry.
Yet each moment brings a different choice. I guess the key is not to linger to long within one emotion or within one moment.
Life is what it is. For the majority of this day, I choose to be happy
I wrote this last year after a rough morning but this is still me every other morning.
My question today. Is motherhood what you thought it would be?
“M-I-I-I-L-L-K!”
I wearily open one eye, and cover my head with the pillow. Maybe he’ll go back to sleep. There is silence for a few minutes, and then he bellows again, sounding for all the world like a cow.
“MOMMY M-I-I-I-L-K!”
I love him. I really love him, but right now I’m just pissed! It’s 6:30 in the morning, and he’s up already. He didn’t go to bed till after 10 last night, so he should be tired. But no, he’s awake yelling for milk. If I don’t hurry and honor his demands, he’ll wake the other one up.
I roll out of bed, and quickly enter the room they share.
“I want milk money” he says in a plaintive loud whine.
“Shh!” I respond glancing furtively over at his sister’s crib. Fortunately she’s still asleep. I stare back into the face of my almost three year old little boy.
Pure anger courses through my veins, and for just a half of a second, maybe a millisecond, I want to spank him.
The urge to punish him for waking me up, goes away just as fast as it came, but my hostility still remains. I never could understand how parents could abuse their children, but I can see how it starts.
I’m so tired. Why won’t he just go back to sleep? He can’t be that damn thirsty at 6:30am. Why is he so needy?! All these thoughts flying through my mind, as I stare down at his little face.
“Are you angry mommy?” he asks innocently as only a child can.
Shame replaces my hostility.
“No, mommy’s not angry” I lie.
“We have to be quiet” I say. “We don’t want to wake sister up”.
“Are you sad?” he whispers taking my hand and getting out of his train bed.
I think about his question for a moment, and then I answer.
“Yes Miles. Mommy’s sad” I answer honestly.
My eyes well up with tears, as I recognize the truth of this statement.
I am sad.
Somewhere in between marriage and kids, I’ve lost myself, and it saddens me.
I’m not me anymore.
I’m someone’s wife, someone’s mommy, but I don’t exist outside these titles.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Marriage and motherhood was supposed to enrich my life, make it better, and complete me. I must admit I imagined being a stay-at-home mother, was going to be a breeze.
I figured I’d love on my kids all day, while preparing elaborate meals for my husband, and keeping an immaculate home. In my downtime (yeah, I thought I’d have downtime) I would pursue my writing career, and in my spare time (yep, dumb me thought their would be spare time) I would go to school and finish a degree. My home would be like a preschool for my little ones. I vowed to rarely turn the television on, as I myself would fill their minds with books and knowledge.
I’d be a regular Joan Cleaver I thought, remembering the reruns of “Leave it to Beaver”. Except unlike Joan I’d also be career minded. I imagined my husband coming home to me looking exceptionally fly and sexy. I imagined I would greet him at the door with a cup of tea, and then once I settled him comfortably, I would draw him a bath. Yeah I used the word “draw’. That’s how out of touch with reality I was.
I would be a triple threat. An exceptional wife, mother, and career women. Oh yeah, and I’d also be in exceptional shape, because I’d be working out everyday.
Yeah right! What I didn’t plan on was the reality of life. First of all, two kids under three do not equal an immaculate home. It equals, toys strewn all over the place, and me struggling to put them away just as quickly as they pull them out. I didn’t count on trying to grocery shop with children for these elaborate meals, or the mountain of laundry that had to be completed on a daily basis.
I didn’t figure in the number of diaper changes that had to take place, or that by the time I fixed breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then served breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, and then cleaned up after breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, that I would be dog tired, and half the day would be gone.
I didn’t realize that the only time I could pursue my writing career was while the kids napped, or if they napped. But nap time produced too many decisions. Do I cook dinner? Do I clean the home? Do I do laundry? Do I sleep? Do I eat breakfast/lunch? Do I workout? Do I shower and get dressed? Or do I write? I never imagined that I would begin to use the television as a babysitter in order to get things accomplished, and then feel disgusted that my babies had watched television all day.
I didn’t plan on my husband coming home later, and later each evening. For someone has to make the money. Nor did I count on the feeling of uselessness I would feel at not bringing anything of monetary value into the home. Or the hints by my husband, that he was the one providing for our family, not myself so money making decisions were more so his department.
My job as he often reminds is to take care of him, the family, and the home. “You can do you, when they go to school” he tells me, not trying to be selfish, but not realizing how selfish this sounds.
What we don’t say out loud, is the truth. Which is; I will never be able to “just do me”. Neither one of us will ever be able to just “do us”. There is no me or him after marriage and kids, only “them”. He’s stuck just like I am stuck.
Tears stream down my face, as I pour my son’s milk into his red racecar cup. I mourn the pitiful state my life has become. Marriage and children have sucked every drop of life from me. My days consists of shuffling behind my children obeying their every wish, and cleaning and cooking, only to clean and cook again.
I am sad.
My little one, tugs at my robe.
“Mommy?”
“Yes Miles”
“Hug?” he says opening his little arms for me.
I get down to his level, and accept his love. His unconditional love. He knows nothing but me and the people that love him. He only knows emotions in their simplest forms. How can I not appreciate that? Is his care and well being not my most important job? Is he not worth losing myself?
Yes he is.
I hug him, and smile.
“You happy mommy” he asks smiling.
“Yes, I’m happy Miles” I answer. And at this moment I am.
“MAMA MILK!”
“MAMA MILK!” another little voice yells from the bedroom. She is up, and she is more demanding than the other one. Much more active, and much harder to control. She smiles when she sees me. She is happy.
Life is what it is.
You either choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, or you choose to be angry.
Yet each moment brings a different choice. I guess the key is not to linger to long within one emotion or within one moment.
Life is what it is. For the majority of this day, I choose to be happy
I wrote this last year after a rough morning but this is still me every other morning.
My question today. Is motherhood what you thought it would be?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Mondays coming.....
Ahhhh! I've had an interesting weekend. My husband was off Thursday and Friday which made for a long weekend. I have to give it to him. He can be very inconsiderate sometimes, but he always makes the effort to try and NOT be inconsiderate. He was with me the entire time helping with the kids and it felt really good. It felt like we more like a team rather than just me alone against the kids. Now I know your probably saying "against the kids!" but that's not what I mean. I mean... It was like I had help and they weren't just yelling and whining for "mama" but they were also yelling and whining for "daddy". It was nice. Now my husband doesn't travel a whole lot or even go out that much other than those loooong Saturday golf days but sometimes he can be in the house with me all day and I'm still alone with the kids. Sometimes they will walk right by him and knock on the bathroom door where I am sitting on the toilet and ask me for a snack. Sometimes they will be whining for something over and over again and it's like he tunes it out and doesn't hear anything. Then there are those times when he works on a home project and is either outside or downstairs and its just like he's not here. Those are the times I feel so alone with the kids. Those are the times I long to go home back to my family for some help. Then right when I'm at my breaking point and when I feel like putting my daddy's address in the gps and packing a bag to go home. Those times when I think "what's the use of being married when it's always just me". Those times when I have nothing to look forward to but not being able to contribute financially, taking care of kids, and cleaning the house, well at those times my husband pulls through for me. Sometimes it's something big like "hey sweetie you want to take a nap? I'll watch the kids". Yep for a stay-at-home mother a nap is a BIG thing! Other times it's something small like taking me to the mall and saying "go ahead and get in the van. I'll strap the kids in their seats". The point is that it's always nice to just have help from your husband. They don't have to do it all because lets face it most of us women are control freaks when comes to our household stuff! But just a little help goes a long way in our books. Like cutting up the onion while I'm cooking or just being in the kitchen talking to me while I'm cooking. Most men don't understand that those type of things are foreplay. It's a turn on for me to see my husband reading my babies a book while I get to browse through a magazine!
Towards Saturday evening I was getting a little sad. I think because I know Mondays coming and I won't have anyone here with me it will be just the kids and I. I'm going to miss having my friend in the house with me. I'm going to miss having adult interaction. I just felt like I had nothing to look forward too, no purpose other than to be somebodys nanny, housekeeper and errand girl. On top of that I'm also a little antsy about my stepson coming back this week. It's not that I don't love him but I dread the whole reprogramming thing. Most stepmothers know what I'm talking about. Anytime a stepchild comes back from an extended visit at the other parents home there is a reprogramming period. This is where the child has to be reprogrammed from all the differences in parenting styles and in some cases negativity from the other parents home. The period can be short or in some cases very very long. You have to reaffirm values, rules and routines that expected in your home such as "we don't watch those shows here" or "no, you need to have some water, not juice", "no, you can't eat in your room" or even "we don't speak to each like that in this home". These are usually things the child has had down before they left you, but now must be reprogrammed in him. I'm sure my stepson's tone and demeanor will have to be reprogrammed when he returns. So this is not something I am looking forward to since I spend the majority of the time with him. I'm praying this year for a change in his whole attitude from academics to life. I sometimes find myself simply tolerating him and not wanting to foster a relationship with him because of his attitude and that's something I want to change. Not so much change his attitude because only God can do that but change MY attitude. Sometimes as a stepparent you have to remind yourself that your the adult and you have to take the high road and as a christian you have to take the christian road. So as I embark on another Monday, I'm feeling just a little down but I'm going to have a word of prayer and remind myself of all things that I am blessed with. So Monday is coming but I will try to look at it as a new beginning rather than an ending.
Why do you really dread Monday?
the diva
Towards Saturday evening I was getting a little sad. I think because I know Mondays coming and I won't have anyone here with me it will be just the kids and I. I'm going to miss having my friend in the house with me. I'm going to miss having adult interaction. I just felt like I had nothing to look forward too, no purpose other than to be somebodys nanny, housekeeper and errand girl. On top of that I'm also a little antsy about my stepson coming back this week. It's not that I don't love him but I dread the whole reprogramming thing. Most stepmothers know what I'm talking about. Anytime a stepchild comes back from an extended visit at the other parents home there is a reprogramming period. This is where the child has to be reprogrammed from all the differences in parenting styles and in some cases negativity from the other parents home. The period can be short or in some cases very very long. You have to reaffirm values, rules and routines that expected in your home such as "we don't watch those shows here" or "no, you need to have some water, not juice", "no, you can't eat in your room" or even "we don't speak to each like that in this home". These are usually things the child has had down before they left you, but now must be reprogrammed in him. I'm sure my stepson's tone and demeanor will have to be reprogrammed when he returns. So this is not something I am looking forward to since I spend the majority of the time with him. I'm praying this year for a change in his whole attitude from academics to life. I sometimes find myself simply tolerating him and not wanting to foster a relationship with him because of his attitude and that's something I want to change. Not so much change his attitude because only God can do that but change MY attitude. Sometimes as a stepparent you have to remind yourself that your the adult and you have to take the high road and as a christian you have to take the christian road. So as I embark on another Monday, I'm feeling just a little down but I'm going to have a word of prayer and remind myself of all things that I am blessed with. So Monday is coming but I will try to look at it as a new beginning rather than an ending.
Why do you really dread Monday?
the diva
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