Is Post Menstrual Syndrome real?

It has to be PMS..... (post menstrual syndrome)





I am so irritable today, and as you can see by post on Friday, I was irritable that day also. It must be PMS. Has anyone else found that they are more affected by PMS as they get closer to forty? I'm finding that at close four or five days leading up to my menstrual cycle, I am just downright pissed!



For example take today. Everybody and everything is pissing me right off! Now hubby going golfing didn't really bother me this morning, because he was back pretty early. But the fact that he is outside right now mowing the lawn, is tickin the hell out of me! I know the lawn has to be mowed, but I just want him here inside this damn house enjoying the children, right along with me. I mean shouldn't he suffer and enjoy the kids on a Saturday evening too? Why do men get to accomplish their tasks without the hassles of kids? Take for example last week. He had a test to study for, so he decided on a whim to take the day off to study. He went to the library and devoted the whole day to studying, and did very well on his test. Now who do you think had the kids during this long study session? Yep, me. Now it shouldn't have been that big of a deal, because if he had been at work I would have had them anyway, but still..... Now last week it kind of irritated me, but not a whole lot, but today, right this minute, I'm am seething about it.

Must be PMS.



Here I have to wait until midnight to even open a textbook, but he just does what he needs to do, and doesn't give it a second thought about it. So seeing him mowing the lawn, and getting the joy of being able to accomplish something, well quite frankly it's pissing me off. Nobody watches the kids while I attempt to accomplish my tasks. Nobody takes the kids away when, I wash dishes, mop floors, or do any of the other various duties that fall to me, that he doesn't even notice. I've been wanting to organize their toys for months, but do you know hard it is to complete a project with kids underfoot? I put it in the give-away box, and they drag it back out before I can turn around good.



I was also ticked off that I felt forced into an activity today with people that I like, but don't know very well. It was pretty much told to me that, my lack of participation has expressed that I don't like them. Which quite honestly wasn't the case. My lack of participation expressed that sometimes I just get too busy, and involved with my own life, and that when I get a moment of free time, I just want to rest. So anyway once someone tells you that, now you feel obliged to participate, but at the same time your resentful that you have to participate, even though you don't really have to. That make any sense? Well anyway I spent half the day "participating" and showing myself friendly, and ended up pissed off, because I felt forced. How silly am I? Isn't that just so ridiculous. Now if I hadn't felt forced, and if I had gone on my own desire, then I would have felt like I had a good time. But when you feel like your doing something because you HAVE to, it changes the outcome. I compare it to how I will sometimes complain to my husband about his golfing. Then he will say "well fine, I won't go, and I'll spend time with you and the kids". Well now it's too late, because I feel like he doesn't really want to go, but is just doing it to oblige me. Crazy huh? Yeah that's what he calls me, when this happens (smile). I think it's just that people, including myself, want a person to really want to either go somewhere or do something. No one wants anyone to feel forced into it. I worked very hard not to appear forced as I participated, but I'm sure everyone there had probably discussed it, and said "she's just here, because we said something". You know what? They were right. Now I am sure my PMS had something to with my behavior today, at least I hope it did.

Questions for the day:

Is PMS just an excuse we women use to be really nasty?

Are the kids trying to drive me crazy on purpose.....?

Now as I sit here trying my best to write, my three year old is in my face. Now it could be a combination of Auntie flows impending visit (nickname for menstrual cycle) but I have a lot less patience for my kids lately.

Sometimes it feels like they are purposely trying to drive me crazy.

It's like they have conspired together and said, "let's get mommy!". I think that sometimes they believe it is their duty to keep me on my feet all day. If I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything for myself, they block it. If I sit down with a cup of coffee, all of a sudden someone is thirsty. If I try to write, or do homework, well then someone has to wash their hands or go to the bathroom, or wants a book read... You get the idea? If I attempt to use the toilet, then all of a sudden they have to use it also.

I can't win!

If I have the audacity to turn from their program on television, then it's a straight up war. They whine, they beg, and then they make so much noise (under the pretense of playing) that I can't even hear my program. Even in the car, it's question after question, after question..... If I look as though I may be enjoying a particular song on the radio, and begin to sing. Well then all of a sudden they burst into a Barney song, or a song from the Fresh Beat Band at the top of their lungs! I mean it's loud people. I swear if I hear "let's come together.." from the Fresh Beat Band one more time, I'll literally scream! By the way what is with this group? Nothing but a bunch of grown-ass people pretending to be kids, especially that tall goofy one...

If my husband and I attempt to have a conversation, they interrupt with questions and attempt to talk over me. If I go in my room for a minute of silence, then here they come. If I go downstairs to put clothes in the dryer, they are at the top of the stairs, demanding something be done for them. "I want a snack! I want something to drink!, Can we go somewhere?" It DOES NOT STOP! It's all day, and I feel like a damn maid to my own kids! When I say I don't watch television, I really mean to say I'm not allowed to watch television. My kids have monopolized every part of my life. Even when I try to pray in the morning, I can hear them knocking on the door, asking me what I'm doing.

Do they love me that much, or is it a conspiracy to drive me crazy? I'm beginning to wonder.....

Just sitting here writing this, I've had to tell each of them "goodbye" five times, because now all of a sudden they want to lay on me and hug me. I tell you, these kids know exactly what their doing. Now my husband? They don't bother him. He comes home, and shuts off their show, they whine a bit, and then go play in their room. They walk PAST him, to ask me to do something for them. Hubby says I'm the crazy one for letting them run me, and he's probably right.

They worry me so much, that by bedtime, I'm like a crackhead waiting for her supplier. I'm watching the clock, my hands are shaking, I can almost taste bedtime. I used to enjoy reading the stories, and tucking them into bed. But now? You should hear how fast I read those books, IF they are lucky enough to get a story read. I'm skipping over pages and making up my own words.... Oh and the silence I receive after they are in bed? As my three year old says "Oh my Jesus!" it's so sweet! It's better than sex.....

Should I feel that good, that my kids have gone to bed? Should I feel that happy, that I don't have to interact with them? I thought I was supposed to become a better, more patient parent as they grew older. I feel like I've gotten worse!

Do you know how many times, the word "SHUT UP!" has been on the edge of my lips, I mean the very tip of my tongue, ready to escape? Or how many times I have actually said out loud "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"? I had always prided myself on answering and explaining every question, but now? After I've explained why they can't have candy for breakfast for the hundredth time, I find myself yelling (yes yelling) "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Okay and I will admit to you, I've said "shut up" out loud, waaaay under my breath, where they couldn't hear me. A very small, quiet, but satisfying "shut up".

I think at any moment the word "SHUT UP!" will truly escape these confines, and then I will truly become my mother. We think we are so smart with our books and new-aged ways of parenting, but maybe our parents had the inside track. Maybe their way WAS the best way. Cause I guarantee you, my mama didn't LET her kids drive her this crazy. Oh, and she definitely used the word "shut up".

Questions today?

Do you think the parenting concepts of our generation are causing more stress on us the parents, than the ones of previous generations?

Child support is a touchy subject...

Yet knowing I'm a stepmother you can figure it was bound to come up. I admit I've been on both sides of the fence. Before I was married, I was pro-baby mama all the way. "Make that man pay", I would holler. In fact I can remember a girl I used to work with, collected child support for two kids she had from a previous relationship. He had remarried and she would refuse him visitation if he was late with payments. She took great joy, at slammin the door in his face, when he came for visits, and great joy at taking his money. Now back then, and I was younger, so don't think to harshly of me, but back then I thought to myself, "good, he needs to pay that money!". Now a small part of me, did find the fact that she refused him contact with his kids over money, a bit shady, but again I was young so I would just gloss over that part. She didn't need all the money she was receiving. She was spending it on frivolous things, like a motorcycle that she didn't have a license to drive, so it sat in the garage for years. She would loan money out to people who would never pay her back. She would buy crap and then give it away because she had no room for it. Basically she was trickin up this man's child support money, now her kids seemed well taken care of, and she was always had them clothed in the latest expensive item. She flat out told me, that she was pissed that he had remarried, and didn't care if he didn't have enough money to support his new family. In her words, "he shouldn't have gotten married, and had kids, mine come first!". In a way I kind of thought that too....

Flash forward years later, to my own marriage.

Hubby paying support that they had agreed upon, child is well taken care of, no drama, UNTIL we married. Just as soon as she realized that I wasn't just another girlfriend, and we were getting married. Drama with a capital D. Now all of a sudden, the support being paid wasn't enough, and it's back to court ordered support. No phone call to say "hey, we need to readjust the support", no discussion, nothing, just papers in the mail. Oh and visitation withheld, just for the hell of it. You see their was no custody agreement, or support agreement in place, they didn't need one. They were both working professionals, and had worked out a money arrangement that they were both satisfied with, and that took care of the needs of their child. Everything fell apart after that, and there has been nothing but DRAMA ever since. It's affected the child, her own family, and my family, all over money. But is it over money....? Let's be raw here. Child support, in this case, and maybe more cases than people are willing to admit, is about CONTROL and REVENGE. For a lot of women, child support is how they can get back at that man, for not loving them, or not marrying, or in some cases for being a low down dirty dog, or lets face it for their perceived feelings of being done wrong.. "Gurl, get that paycheck", friends tell each other, "hit him where it hurts!".

Yeah it does hurt. It hurts a mans pride, when he's made to look as though he is some deadbeat father in court, when he isn't. Now there are some deadbeats out there, lots and lots of them, but not all of them. Sometimes there is just a bitter, angry women who figures she has no other way to get this person back, than to hit his wallet. Child support has become big business, for some people. It pits wife against ex wife, ex girlfriend, and can sometimes tear a marriage up, if you let it.... I praise God every day that I wasn't brought up to love money. I like it just as much as the next person, but I don't love it. If hubby's ex girl wants money, if that what keeps her warm at night, then so be it. God will bless us to make more money, but will he bless your vindictiveness?.

Oh and get this, did you know that child support in NY is until the child is 21, even if that booger never goes to college! Yep you heard me, that child (or adult, since that's what he now is) can sit on his mamas couch eating Doritos, and she is still entitled to child support. Now if he does go to college, then the support goes directly toward college tuition and the remainder (if any) goes to the custodial parent (usually the mama). How foolish is that? Now I believe a parent should help a child go to college, but what if you have one of those kids, who is just in college foolin around? You know good and well if the courts were not involved, and your son or daughter was at college wasting your hard earned money, and not going to class, you would withdraw your support, and tell that buster to get a job! People who pay child support don't have that right, they have to pay regardless. People don't get the courts involved in your lives, learn to compromise!

Now I know some women are probably cheering, "well good!". Yeah you cheer, until the tables are turned, and your on the other side of that table. Believe me you, my hubby's ex sung a different song, when she was under the burden of those same child support laws. Now it became "poor me, I can't afford to live". To her son, who she wasn't even supposed to be discussing these things with she said "Your Fathers taking all my money, and I could lose my job at any time" causing a rift between him and his Dad..

Guess what? Studies show that a woman is more likely to be more of a deadbeat than than a male when she is made to pay child support. In fact, look at this excerpt from a 2002 Fox News report "The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts. Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media. That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,59963,00.html


Now aint that about nothing!

More and more fathers are winning the rights to be custodial parents. Oh, and don't think the mother has to be unfit to lose custody. They look at other factors and your demeanor in court weighs heavy. I haven't decided yet how I feel about fit mothers losing custody.... What I do know, is that some mothers need to be more willing too cooperate regarding child support, before they are on the other side of that fence...

My question today is an assignment. If you were made to pay child support, could you afford it?

Take your adjusted gross income, and if you have one child multiply it by 17% and if two by 25% and if three by 35%. Now people that amount is your child support obligation for the year, divide it by twelve and you get your monthly child support obligation to your child. This amount doesn't take into consideration your other children (if you have any) from any previous relationship, or anything else. On top of this you still need to provide health care (which your probably paying for) and in addition to this, if your child is not school age, then you will pay for child care.

Looking at your current financial situation, answer honestly, could you afford to pay that amount every month?

Is child support fair?

Taking time for yourself

So I saw the play "Fences" over the weekend...

It was sooo good! We had great seats, and Denzel was incredible. The play really moved me, and made me think. I must say this was one of the best plays I have seen. It was the first time in a long time, that I was able to really dress up, and go into NYC. Usually when we go into the city (and believe me people it isn't often) I'm wearing flats, or in the winter Uggs. My husband has drilled in to me "dress for city walking", but this time I had the stilts on! The kind of shoes Wendy Williams wears, and people I felt sooo sexy. I figured if we can spend that much on play tickets, then he can splurge for a cab. I gave my hair a fresh wash, and flat-ironed it out, AND had the toes and nails done. Now I did feel a tad bit hoochie, cuz my dress was a wee bit short... but hey I don't get too be a hoochie often, so I enjoyed it. We went to dinner at B Smiths, which wasn't that spectacular, but the ambiance was good, and we even had after play drinks, which we never do. I even splurged on a $18 dollar sangria (isn't that insane!). It's usually in and out of the city for us, but this time it felt like... It felt like I was me again. I was me again!My eyes are getting a little wet as I write this, but I felt like I did, when my hubby (then my boyfriend) first took me into NYC. The years fell away, and I was "THE DIVA" with all caps. I felt young, sexy, and desirable. I thought to myself "this is what I imagined life would be like when I moved to NY". The only thing is, what goes up, must come down.... Cinderella and her Prince had to go home, pick up the kids, and pay the sitter. Then it's back home to the messy house I left in preparation for my night out. Don't you love reality? I'm not even going to lie, I didn't miss my little boogers one millisecond I was gone. Terrible mother aren't I? We didn't go to sleep until well after 3am (I told yall I was looking sexy...) and stayed in the house all day on Saturday, recuperating from our Friday night. Not as young as I used to be.....

Taking some alone time

So it made me think. If this made me feel so good and alive then why don't we do it more often? I guess what I'm really beginning to understand is that life is all about balance. Too much in one direction and everything topples over. Too much time doing the mommy stuff, and not enough alone time with hubby, makes for problems. Sometimes as mothers we get consumed by our kids, and just consumed by our "superwoman" attitude. Like take this play for example, I'll be honest, I wasn't tryna to spend two hundred and some odd dollars on a play! But my sister gave me some good advise not to long ago. She's been married twenty years, and I figure she knows what she's talking about. She said "anytime your hubby wants to do something without the kids, girl go!" You see I was that person that would say, "well why don't we do something as a family" when my husband would suggest we get a babysitter and do something. I would worry about the cost of a sitter, or worry about the kids at the sitter, or worry that hubby wasn't spending quality time with the kids... You get my meaning, I would just worry, and in the meantime he would get still get his alone time, while I would just sit there with the kids, pissed off at him. I'm learning people. I'm learning......

I remember a episode of "Sex in the City" where the chick who had the baby, was going away with the other women on a girls weekend out. Well her "babys daddy" at the time (I think she later married him) got cold feet about watching the baby by himself, and wanted to bail. Well she was furious, and so her housekeeper offered stay with him, and help him watch the baby, to which he agreed. But she was still furious and refused, because she said that she watched the baby all the time, and he should take some responsibility and watch the kid too. Now she was definitely right, but to what expense? So Carrie finally fed up, and wanting her friend to go on the trip was like "Girl, just throw some money at it, and lets go!"

This is my new anthem, just throw some money at it. Now is every situation like that? No, of course money can't solve every problem, but it sure can alleviate some stress. Sometimes we so caught up with being right, that we cut our nose off to spite our face. So now rather than getting all bent out of shape at hubby for not offering to stay home with the kids, and giving me some alone time, I just throw some money at it, in the form of a babysitter and I go and take me a break. This summer rather than running around like a chicken without a head, looking for free things for the kids to do, I threw a little money at it. I signed them up for a one day a week summer camp, so that I could have some time to myself. Now I will still have to find some other free activities for other days (I'm not rich), but at least I have one day. Now I know what your thinking, "well what if you don't have the money to throw?" Well then make a payment arrangement and throw some bill money at it. Stress kills people. I guarantee it would be a lot cheaper in the long run, than money spent on a divorce attorney, or defense attorney for killing your husband. You will always have bills, but you won't always have time, so what's more valuable? Now of course you can't do it all the time, use some common sense. But every mommy should have one day a week, where a couple of hours are just hers. Once that babysitter bill gets too high, maybe hubby will start offering you some "free" time. Even if you have to suck up your pride and ask your cranky mother-in-law to watch them, do it. Yeah she may talk about you, but you will get some time to yourself. Oh and you are not allowed to do anything work related on this time off. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, only mommy time or self time. Go read a book, or get your nails polished or take a walk. Or how about this, go to the mall and actually try something on. Don't just put the item up against you, because you don't feel like taking the kids into the dressing room.

I'm getting pretty good at this taking time for myself stuff, now I still feel guilty as hell when I do it. I still worry about the money I'm spending, and I feel like I'm a bad mommy for not spending that time with the kids, BUT I know this is good for me. I know that it makes me a better mommy, wife, and person when I take time for myself. Men do it all the time and don't give it a second thought. Hubby spends every Saturday on the golf course for six to seven hours, and guilt never enters into his mind. Why? Well I asked him, and you know what he told me? He said "I feel like I deserve a day off, after working all week?" You hear that? He deserves a day off. Yet I was feeling like that I didn't even deserve a few hours off. You know what? He's right, he works hard and he deserves a day off. You know what else? So do I, and so do you. As I said before, it all goes back to our own value of self worth. So now when I drop those kids off too the sitter, or write that check for summer camp day, I imagine hubby on the golf course enjoying his "deserving" day off and I try very hard to enjoy my few hours. Still working myself up to a whole day... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Oh, and I saw another comment from my post yesterday. I am so jazzed up right now! Whoo Hoo!

Two questions for the day:

What activity makes you feel sexy and alive again?

Do you take time for yourself, and if not, why?

I'm growing. Well sort of....

Okay so its been only seven months since my last post... Well, before you talk about me, in my defense, it used to be at least a year between posts, so..... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

I feel myself in a different place lately. I don't complain as much, and I think I'm doing better at that whole martyr complex of mine. I'm trying very hard to not see myself as a victim so much, and start recognizing that it starts with me. If you want change and progress, you can't wait until someone else initiates it, or helps you. You have to take charge, and make progress in spite of the things going on around you. I mean sure it would be nice if the people around me would offer more assistance with the kids, so that I could write (just a small complaint there). BUT if they don't, then I can't just sit around and complain. I have to write, in spite of the noise around me. Even if it's only a couple of words.

Now I am really geeked up right now (yep I said "geeked", and it really showed my age). I just happened to look at this blog, just to see if anyone has ever read my heart-wrenching posts, and.... I HAD ONE COMMENT! I am just cheesin extra hard right now. Somebody read my blog! I feel good. Oh, and it was a recent post, back on June 4, it has inspired me to write more. What if someone else is reading it, but just not posting? Yall what if Oprah is reading my blog. Okay that's a stretch, but you never know....

Okay time for updates on my life. We are now a family of four. My stepson decided to part ways and move back with his mom. Mixed emotions people.... I feel like we could have provided him with a better home, but I was gettin real tired of his antics. Possibly just plain old teenager antics, possibly some deeper emotional problems... You just never know. Well he was in cahoots with his mama, and they did it all on the down low. Late night phone calls with his law guardian.. Secret phone calls taken outside... Poor hubby didn't find out until he went to court on something totally different, and was told by the boys law guardian that he wanted to live with his mama! Hubby was so hurt, and felt so betrayed. The deceitful booger wouldn't even tell his dad why. Come talkin some foolishness about "I don't want to talk about it". The courts give these kids too much power, but that's what happens when you involve the courts in your life. So long story short, custody trial again, and this time they went solely on what my stepson wanted, and since he said back to mama, he is going back to mama. Which means back to child support, back to control issues, back to overcrowded gang school, and back to mediocre grades. It's really sad when you think about it. He was doing so well here academically, and would have branched out socially given the chance. Unfortunately he didn't have the support from his mama, and she played the victim but good. Had him all twisted up, talkin all disrespectful to his Dad. He was feelin himself and tried that crap with me... Yeah you know I told him off but good. Years ago, I would have ignored it, and waited for my hubby to deal with it, but I've learned over the years that this is the wrong approach. Kids respect you more, when you stand up for yourself. I let him know that he wasn't the authority in our home, and that he had better watch his tone, and how he spoke to me. Lord knows he doesn't speak to his mama like that. When his mother would call, it was "yes mommy", or "no mommy". Yet when he spoke to his Dad, it was "whatever!", or some other craziness.

I must say things are a lot more peaceful since his departure. Although I know deep down hubby misses him. I think...(smile) I have no regrets. I treated him fairly, and I showed him love and kindness. One thing I have always said is that, when he becomes an adult, he will never be able to truthfully say that I was every anything but nice too him. That was a goal and promise I made to myself when I first married my husband. I promised myself that I would never judge my stepson by his mother or fathers actions. Now sure I get truly pissed by flaws in both their parenting skills that I in turn had to suffer the consequences for, but hey life is unfair sometimes. I'm not a perfect parent either, and I can recognize that we all make mistakes. I was talking to my mother-in-law today about my stepson. I told her that because he is a teenager, a lot of his selfishness, and attitude, and other less than pleasing character traits are excused. Yet their comes a time when teenagers turn into young adults, and at that point we will get a true sense of his character, and we can no longer blame teenager moodiness for these traits.

Isn't that so true? At some point in everyones life, you have to stop blaming your character on issues going on around you. "Well, if he would act right, then I wouldn't always have an attitude!", or "I'm so bitter and unhappy because everybody did me wrong!" At what point do you grow up and recognize that perhaps this is just who I am? At what point do we take responsibility for our own character flaws, and attempt to correct them? Okay my question for today are:

What are your character flaws, and are you blaming someone or something else for them?

Do you want to be a celebrity? Really....?

Okay I won't even begin to apologize for my lax in posting. Just love me anyway ok? Today I was perusing my favorite gossip sites, bossip, concreteloop... Reading about all the celebrities and when one particular one would catch my eye, I google them and find out their beauty secrets. Which got me to thinking... Why? Why am I and other people so fascinated about what celebrities wear, do eat, and go out with? Aren't they really just like us? Why do you think we try so hard to emulate people who are airbrushed into perfection? They have teams of people at their disposal to keep them beautiful and fit, and some of us look just as good if not better. Yet I still find myself copying their looks, or clothes. I have to admit they even sometimes inspire me to perk my own game up. Be honest, how many times have you seen a beautiful woman in a magazine or on television and thought "I'm going to do better to look good?"

Let's take for example Housewives of Atlanta. Now they may be ghetto, broke and quite ridiculous. But..... When I see them all glammed up, hair done, nails manicured, it makes me want to do better. When I see some of them (not all) starting their own business, and making that paper, well it inspires me to remember my own dreams. So maybe celebrities are the benchmark for what we believe success is. Is that so wrong? Is it? I know we really should put value into things that aren't as tangible, like our health, children, and self worth. Yet I am still drawn to all the glamour and excitement that celebrities bring.

Do I want to be a celebrity? I don't know. Sometimes I want the perks of stardom, but I don't know if I want the scrutiny. Isn't that what celebrities struggle with? Not wanting the attention but wanting the glory? If you could choose, which would it be?