betwixt and in between

I was doing so well with posting, but I slacked off...  I missed sharing my life with you guys even though I sometimes cringe at the things I've revealed.  I always think, am I too honest in this blog?  Will the things I reveal come back to bite me in the arse?  I'm careful to only reveal my own personal issues but still...  Oh well-how can I truly claim honesty if I'm not honest in my writing..  So here goes...

I have been plagued the last couple weeks with indecisiveness.  I make up my mind about my life and career and literally minutes later, I change my mind again!  I know!  It is so frustrating, and the the biggest problem with this is I always without fail tell someone my new "vision" for life.  Just to change it days later...  I know I must look and sound like a flake to my relatives and friends.  Heck I wouldn't even believe the next time I claimed I had finally made a decision.  Why am I so indecisive?  Yall beats me!  I struggle with wanting to pursue my dreams, and wanting a career/job that pays something right now.  Lets be honest, mama's not getting any younger nor the mortgage payment any smaller.  With forty looming and the kids approaching all day school, I need to focus on life after "stay-at-home-wood".  Then I'm face with a new dilemma.  How do I balance everything?  As well as I still have a few issues with self-confidence, and battle constantly with myself on my self worth for not being able to contribute to the home from a monetary standpoint.  Yall I'm a work in progress (smile)

My biggest determent to returning to the workforce and completing my degree is childcare.  Women who have the God given blessing of relatives who babysit their children for them either free, or darn near free should be thanking God every day.  With jobs paying less and less money, it's hard to pay for childcare and still have enough left over to justify going to work!  Now try it when you've been out the job market for a few years and have to start back at the bottom rung of the pay scale.  Even after they are in school all day, after school care can run you at least $800 monthly for two kids.  Then you run into the problem of transportation to get them to after care. 

Now those are all just the harsh realities of the world right now, but my decisiveness is a whole different ball game.  It seems every career I set my eyes on that might pay a decent salary are besieged by recent college graduates, who are still looking for work.  Teachers can't find work.  Nurses can't find work.  Writers can't find work.  You start wondering if anyone is working!  So what to do?  What to do?  Well I guess I'll step out on faith and lfollow my dreams....  So as it stands I have  an appointment to see a transfer counselor into a ---you know what?  I'm not going to tell yall (just in case I change my mind!).  Just know that I'm still on that grind to complete my BA and pray my success.

Questions for the day (which yall never answer).

Does your job reflect your dream?  Did you pursue your dream in college, or a job?

The basement...

I'm in the mood to share my writing!  So here is another, yep another short story entitled "The basement".  Again feedback would be nice! (smile)


THE BASEMENT

As I walk down the stairs, I trail my hands over the walls. The wood feels smooth, as though I am touching polished glass. My nose detects the light scent of fresh lemons from the oil used to polish the walls. The carpet on the stairs resembles a speckled ear of corn, with its black, yellow and tan pattern. While the carpet looked new many years ago, it is now dull and lifeless as if it is has grown weary of the many feet that have trampled it.

As soon as I enter the basement, my mind is assaulted with memories. My mind goes back to when my mother sat on the gold colored sofa, and folded laundry while chatting on the phone. The gold color is not merely yellow, but actually glows like the gold paper used to wrap Christmas presents. I can see myself, sitting on the thick, shaggy, blackberry colored rug, in front of the television, polishing my toe nails.

If only I could go back to a more innocent time, and a more innocent me. This basement used to be my haven, but now it’s just another place where bad things happened.

I rub my hand over my burgeoning stomach. The things that happened to me won’t happen to her. I know my baby is a girl, just as I know she will never set foot in this basement.

I give the gold sofa a wide berth, as I head towards the back of the basement. It’s musty back here. Mama’s getting older, she can’t get back here and clean like she used to.

I kneel down and open the box that contains my journals. Journals, that haven’t seen the light of day in over ten years. I wouldn’t have come down here to retrieve them, if she hadn’t suggested it. She’s been trying to get me to come down here since we started our sessions well over a year ago. When she first suggested it, I told her flat out, “let sleeping dogs lie”. She just smiled, and replied “when you’re ready”, in a very non-intimidating voice.


Perhaps that’s why I’ve stayed so long in therapy. She’s non-threatening and non-confrontational. She’s everything that I’m not. Sometimes I curse her out, like yesterday when she asked me again to get the journals. I called her a nosy bitch and she just smiled. I told her this therapy was just a racket, another way to make money off of the black woman’s plight. Again she just smiled. Finally after I ran out of steam, I agreed to get the journals.

I’m every black girl stereotype you could think of. I’m loud, confrontational, ghetto as hell, and I love a good fight. Not the verbal spars, that I see some women do, but the Vaseline smeared face, earring taking off, backhand slapping kind of fighting. I’m a fighter. Mama says that I’ve always been a fighter, even as a toddler I bit and scratched the other kids.

I glance over at the gold sofa again. I didn’t fight that day. I open the red journal, and go to the last entry. I look at the first sentence of the last entry, “Today I was raped”, I read. Water drips down and puddles in the creases of the dusty journal. At first, I think that the ceiling is leaking, but then I realize the water is coming from me. Tears continue to mix in with the dust, creating long, brown streaks on the page.
I shut the journal quickly and glance back at the gold sofa. “Why didn’t you fight? I whisper. “You’re a fighter, you should have fought. You let him take it, and you didn’t even fight!” I continued getting angrier. I told her that I couldn’t remember what happened, but that wasn’t completely true.


She said the journals would help me to remember. I didn’t need a dusty old journal to remember though. I remember the important parts of what happened. The day my life changed, the day this basement ceased to become a haven and became a grave.

He was older, and I looked up to him. I had that school-girl crush that all girls have on their brother’s friends. He did everything well, from basketball to school. I was twelve; in fact I had just turned twelve the week before.

I thought I was so grown, with my new braids. Red and white beads dangled from the ends, and they made a shish shish sound every time I moved my head. He said they were fly. He said I was fly and asked if he could touch them. He touched my breasts instead, and continued to touch me, even after I said no. It’s true when I told her I don’t remember. Parts of it I don’t remember, like the actual act itself. I just remember pain, and blood in my panties.

He said that if I told, people would call me a slut. I knew he spoke the truth. People would call me a slut. Mama’s friends were always saying I was too fast anyway, this would just be proof. I never told anybody, until I told her. Told her because, I don’t want any baggage with this baby girl. Told her because, I’m tired of living in this basement. Every mistake I’ve ever made is because of this basement. My daughter won’t be held hostage by this basement; I’“Black people don’t get therapy”, mama said. “Black people seek God”. I wanted to ask her where God was when I was raped. Hell, where was she when I was raped. I gather my journals, and stuff them in the bag, I brought down for this very purpose.


I stand at the foot of stairs, and turn to look at the sofa again. I hear mama upstairs moving around in the kitchen. “Girl!” she yells down, “come out of that dusty old basement, aint nothing down there but junk!” “I know mama” I mutter to myself. “I know”. 

The quiet...

I don't talk about it much but I am an aspiring writer...  I haven't had much of an opportunity to write much lately but I thought I would post a short story I wrote a while ago.  Feedback would be nice... (smile)  This is entitled:

"The Quiet".

I watched him as he walked through the house. His eyes darted from left to right, looking for things out of place. He started with the kitchen, checking for unwashed dishes in the sink. He then made his way to the back of the house, looking for stray items left in forbidden places. At last he comes into the living room, where I sit watching the children play. He leans down and gives me a perfunctory kiss. The kiss is dry, and his slightly chapped lips irritate my cheek.



He is not a bad husband. No. No one would call him a bad husband. He goes to work every day, comes home on time, and he’s good to the kids. Yet…, there is something about him that is to quiet.


Quiet. I never did like it quiet. I’ve always loved loudness. Loud music, loud people, loud laughter. Yet I married this quiet man, and made a family with him. I was never quiet growing up. Grandpa used to always yell, “Gal! Shut-up all that loud racket, for ya deefen me!” Maybe something in me, craved this quietness that existed in him.


He’s a perfectionist. Everything in its proper place, at all times. He required everyone to function on this same scale of perfection. In the beginning I rebelled. I screamed, kicked, cursed. I told him I wasn’t him, and didn’t have to march to his tune.


I don’t know when I changed. It was subtle at first, and it was after the babies came. Who felt like arguing about unwashed dishes, after changing diapers all day? It was easier to just wash them, and please him, than to argue with him.


Like engulfing shadows, his quiet gradually overtook me. I became a person I no longer recognized. I functioned by schedules, and day-planners. I hated this quiet me, hated me, as much as I sometimes hated him.


I watch him go the cabinet and begin to sort the coins in his pocket. First he stacks the quarters, then dimes, nickels and pennies. He then reaches into his wallet, and begins the ritual of sorting all the various little papers he’s accumulated for the day. He glances up and our eyes meet. We stare at each other, as the kids continue to play. Then he smiles. He smiles a genuine smile. He smiles a contented smile.


Perhaps hate is a strong word to use. For I do love this man. Perhaps the quiet is just the sacrifice one pays for a content husband. Sacrifices aren’t new to women. Women have sacrificed for the good of their families for hundreds of years. Loudness for quiet, contentment of home for chaos.


“What’s for dinner?” he asked, sitting down next to me. He knew what was for dinner; it was Tuesday, so of course it was chicken. Always chicken on Tuesday. For the last eight years of our marriage there had been chicken on Tuesday.


I part my lips to answer chicken, and then pause. I grab his face between my hands, and give him a passionate kiss. His face lights with surprise, and then I drop the bomb. “Were having pizza” I answer loudly. “Tonight, we are having pizza”.

I need a vacation at home...by myself

I want a vacation.
I want a vacation away from my kids.
I want a vacation away from my husband.
But I want to do it at home…
I’m too tired to pack up and go away on vacation. It’s too much work. First you have to plan your clothes, hair and activities. Then you always have to come back home…to a messy house that you tore up planning your trip. Guys I want hubby and the kids to disappear for a few days, and have the house all to my self. I want to be able to clean and organize to my hearts desire, without worrying about feeding people, or cleaning up before hubby arrives. When I get tired of cleaning I want to go grab something to eat, sit in front of the television and watch crap. I want to go to the mall without kids bugging me to go on those rides that they conveniently place in the center of the mall, which cost $2 for 1 minute of movement. I want to be able to browse in the stores and try things on without my husband asking “are you ready to go?” I want peruse the cosmetics at the Mac counter in Macy’s without the kids chasing each other, and trying to hide under the clothing racks. I mean how many times can you say in your “outside the home” voice to “be still!” and “stop touching!”
When I get home I want eat takeout appetizers and watch all of the red box DVD’s that my husband hates. I want to organize my closet and dresser drawers and then go back to mall to replenish things that I need. I want to try on that new Victoria Secrets bra that guarantees the illusion of big tits. I want to make a grocery list for a month and go grocery shopping all by myself and stock up. I want to have a pap smear without my kids in the room…watching. I don’t want to have to give up the booty so somebody won’t be angry. I want to lie in bed all morning and read and then get up and have a big breakfast without someone saying they no longer like eggs, oatmeal or whatever new thing they decide they no longer like.
What people don’t understand is that vacations away from home aren’t relaxing for us mommies. Cuz we eventually have to come back and we do all the work planning them, and then all the packing. While away we worry about the cost of everything and we are overwhelmed with guilt about the things we should be doing at home. What most people don’t understand is that we don’t mind the cleaning, cooking and house stuff so much as long as we are given the time to properly do it. Cleaning can be quite relaxing when you don’t have kids hanging on to you, and asking for the fifteenth time “can we go somewhere!”

You don’t mind starting a long organizing project when hubby isn’t on his way home expecting dinner or something else….. The worst part about being at home is never feeling like anything gets completely done. That whole “do a room at a time” advice is a bunch of crap! By the time you get one room done its messy and unorganized all over again. No, what we mommies need is a staycation at home where we can work or not work when we feel like it to our hearts content. 
If you had a week off, the house to yourself, no kids/hubby for a week…what would you do?



The diva

20 Things I want to say to hubby's ex

TWENTY THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO TELL HUBBY’S EX IE “BABIES MAMA”
1. Believe me contrary to what you believe I REALLY don’t want to be and are not trying to be your child’s mama! You are more than welcome to that privilege….

2. Let the past be the past, and please move on!
3. I’m not going anywhere…..
4. At some point child support does end, so you may want to go easy on all that spending.
5. I would rather pay child support than deal with your child’s issues…
6. When you conned your child into coming back to live with you…we weren’t all that broken up about it…

7. Your child tells me all your business unsolicited…all of it!

8. Your child has a problem telling the truth.
9. Had you capped all of that attitude you would have found a powerful ally in me.
10. I hope you reap the results of all of those parenting skills you instilled within your child……

11. All those mothers day and birthdays gifts you get from your child? I buy them and make your child give them to you.

12. Regardless of whether their father is around, I’m your child’s primary care giver. While I would never hurt a child is it all that wise to make an enemy out of me?....

13. You could have gotten much more money had you not involved the courts.

14. Your ex’s flaws didn’t disappear when he married me, so a lot of the times I actually sympathize and agree with you.

15. My husband/your ex told me all your past business…I know all your secrets!

16. You would have gotten under my skin more, had you stayed friends with my husband…

17. You make me look good with all that drama you create and “angry woman” personality you exude.

18. Did you know that you have a permanent frown on your face, all the time?


19. He’s not coming back to you. Ever. Your actions over the years have made that a certainty.

20. I think it’s funny when you refuse to acknowledge me.

I NEED A NEW CAR.....

I NEED (WANT) A NEW CAR...

So in the new spirit of taking more time for myself and marriage, hubby and I went into Manhattan for dinner with my brother and sister-in-law. Now I have to bring you up to speed on my car game—I’m playing play station to most folks Xbox! Alright it’s not that bad, but yall I drive a minivan, and not the new ritzy ditzy one. I drive an older model minivan, a 08 with no leather, and no other extras outside of (in my best promo voice) “the seat go down for storage!” They didn’t even give me mats!

THE DREAM CAR

So we arrive at my in-laws house for ouR night out, and we are actually driving hubby’s car, which is small, cramped, grungy and smells like booty and feet. The van’s air conditioning is on the fritz and it’s to hot to even consider riding in it. I slide myself in the back seat of their seven seater luxury vehicle. Ahhh! Leather seats, TV’s in the headrest, dual control cooling… The list goes on, and on. After our night is over, and I get back into my pumpkin, I look at hubby and whine “we need a new car!” Then I really think about what I said which is “need’. I really don’t need a new car, I want a new car. I was starting to display the beginning signs of new car fever.

NEW CAR FEVER

Don’t even pretend yall don’t know what I’m talking about when I say new car fever. We all get it and usually around early spring and into summer when people are out washing and shining their whips. All of a sudden the vehicle you paid and are still paying good money for is not good enough. As you get out of your messy vehicle littered with straw wrappers, crumbs and if you’re a mommy toys---you look over at that woman getting out of her clean, shiny and immaculate NEWER vehicle, and begin to "covet thy neighbor’s car”. I’m not even a car person, but after riding in that car, I was craving a luxury vehicle.

IT’S JUST A CAR

Yet if I look at the picture honestly then I don’t really need one, and frankly I don’t take care good care of the one I have now. It doesn’t stay clean, and I don’t get regular maintenance when I should. I finally realized that in my vainness, I want to “look” prosperous. Yep old vanity rearing its ugly head again! I mean I really just need to take better care of the van, and keep it washed so that it looks nicer. The payment is low, and I’m close to actually owning it, which has never happened in my life.

If I really think about it, it’s just a car. It’s just a car! It doesn’t appreciate, it depreciates, and the one I have serves it purpose of getting me from point a, to point b.  Over the years I've spent enough in lease payments, and car payments to own at least two cars!  Everytime I was even halfway to paying one off, new car fever took me down.  How wonderful it would be to be to not have a car payment!   

So did I conquer new car fever? Nope! Even after all that insightful thinking, yall I still want a new car, but I’m not getting one. I’m going go wash the minivan, vacuum it out, clean the inside and once again proclaim to myself and the kids that “this time it’s staying clean”, oh and “no more eating in this van!” We'll see how long that lasts...

Questions


How important is a hot new car to you? AND


Do you take good care of the car you currently own?



the diva

Getting what you ask for..

Poor me.....           

Okay today I was once again bemoaning the state of my life, for this is something that lately I’ve been doing quite often.  Well I of course began to blame everyone around me, including God for not giving me the kind of life I wanted.  Then something said inwardly “yes I did.  I gave you exactly what you asked me for”.  Now this threw me for a loop, because if true, it would mean that I’m just an ungrateful whiner.  So I had to prove this statement wrong.  Off I went to find my journal, notice I said journal singular, as in one measly journal...  Well that’s another story, but let’s just say that my attempt to chronicle my life through journals, failed miserably. 

So anyway I’m combing through the entries, which aren’t many over the past ten years, and there it is in my scrawling handwriting, “God, I just want to be married with kids, and be able to stay home with them, write and go to school.” And another entry says, “I just want to move far away, where noone knows me.  Some place exciting!”

Well there it was. 

There was the proof that affirmed I’m just a big ungrateful baby.  I received the exact kind of life that I prayed for, and I’m still complaining.  I am a stay-at-home mom with two beautiful kids, I now live in NY, I’m attending school and I have the opportunity (if I choose) to write every day. 

All things I asked God for down to the letter.  Now this was too much truth for me at the moment, so I immediately began to tear down my realization.  Well I said to myself I really meant I wanted to go to school full-time, so that part hasn’t happened.  Oh, and I don’t live in Manhattan, and that’s the really exciting part of NY so that wasn’t true either, and I’m at home with the kids, but my husband doesn’t appreciate it, and I don’t have the money I want coming in and I can’t write everyday because the kids keep me busy….  My list went on, and on, until even I got tired of my whining.  “Shut up”! I said aloud.  I am blessed, and according to Psalms 37;4 “Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart., I did receive the desires of my heart.  He gave me exactly what I wanted, or what I thought I wanted at the time.  If I’m not happy with it then that’s my problem.  What I really need to do is sit back praise God, and enjoy my blessing. 

Then another thought came to me, did I follow thorough on what I promised God?  Now I knew the answer this question without even looking back in my journal.  I knew because I felt a little guilty everyday.  I had promised to love him with all my heart.  I promised to continue to serve him with fervor, and I had promised him that if he blessed me, that I wouldn’t forget about him.  I promised to keep the same relationship with him that I had as a single woman.  Yet it was I who reneged on my promise, not God.  Over the years my relationship with Christ has become stagnant, and occasional.  I only want him around when I want something, and then I'm in church every Sunday till I get it.  Wow, I thought to myself.  I’ve basically been calling God for “booty calls’!  All the while complaining that he did me wrong.

 

Enlightment

How must I appear to God?  I was no longer “delighting myself” in God.  The bible says “seek ye first the

kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto it”  I must say that I was truly ashamed of myself. 

So much God has given me, and all I do is complain for more.  I used to read the story about the children of

Israel and wonder how they could be so ungrateful, yet here I was just like them. 

Questions

How grateful are for what  God has given you? 

Think back over your life, what are the things that you prayed for, that God blessed you

with? 


Now what think back to what you promised God, have you followed through on your end? 

Lately I'm feelin so FLY!

Wearing my hair in it's natural state, and I am feeling so FLY!  I just feel so set apart from everyone else, and I can go out in rain, humidity or wind, and not even care!  I twist it up at night with some shea moisture mist and keep it moving!  As I approach forty and am really starting to feel more at peace and confident with myself.  The past few months finally taught me a lesson that I've failed to learn up to this point.  Stop overwhelming myself!  I've been burning the midnight oil for the last few months.  Yall I was working two part time jobs, going to school full time, and still doing the stay-at-home mommy bid during the day, as well as taking care of all the household duties.  All seven days of the week I had something scheduled.  If I wasn't working, I had class, and vice versa.  I was cranky, house was messy, and I was miserable.  Yeah, I know...  I always get into these wonderwoman roles, where I think that I have to do everything, and then I get so burnt out, that I'm yelling at my kids/husband and looking like an old crackhead cuz I don't have time to take care of myself.  Did I mention how messy the house was?  I was sooo stressed.  However I finally finished my two year degree (trying to learn to say that proudly-cuz mama still has self worth issues) and now it's on for my bachelors degree.  Yea for me! 

After that horrific experience I made some decisions.  I quit one of the part time jobs, and kept the most enjoyable one.  I work in retail, and get a fabulous discount.  They worked with me with the hours, and I'm able to dress up and look cute for a few days out the week.  It makes me feel good to be able to add something monetary to the household cuz I still need work in the self worth aspect of being an at-home mommy.  I continue to grow and become more confident in myself and my abilities BUT I'm learning how to say no, and take more time for myself. 

In my current sales position I was offered a full-time manager position, and boy did I struggle on whether to accept.  More money and a title no matter how small means validation!  For a stay-at-home mother validation is BIG.  I had to really think about what I wanted and you know what?  I turned it down.  I tell you guys I'm learning...  I realized that I would be overwhelmed and working all the time, and it would leave little room for schooling and time with the kids.  I am finally getting more comfortable in taking a little time for myself and recognizing that I don't have to do everything and be everything at once.  Just contributing a small amount of money to the household is enough, and I even told them I could only work four days per week, in order to have more time for myself!  This is big for me guys, because I never take time myself.  I used to fill every available hour with something, whether school, or cleaning or doing something with the kids.  The other thing I've stopped doing is taking the kids to all these different activities.  Now I bring my butt home, and relax!  I turn that television off, and tell them to play with all that crap that I bought them in their rooms.  I take them outside in the driveway, and let them blow bubbles, and then I maybe give them an hour of television.  I'm learning that I create my own stress, by trying to do too much.  My new motto is to "keep it simple".  Guess what else I decided?  Once my youngest is in school full time (another year) I'm not going back to work full-time!  Why do we mothers finally reach the enjoyable time of stay-at-homeness, when you get the majority of your day without the kids, do we go back to the full-time jobs.  I'm going to do some substitute teaching, keep going to school, and RELAX! 

Do you guys consistently overwhelm yourselves?  Why?

Black Friday!

Sorry yall but I'm to old to go shopping on black Friday!  I want to be out there, I really do BUT....  I just don't have the patience.  I really don't think you save that much more money either.  Working in retail has clued me into one thing.  Never pay full price, because eventually it's going on sale!  Within two weeks of receiving shipment in the store I work for, it goes on sale.  I'll never pay full price again.  So black Friday in my opinion, is just a gimmick.  That same stuff will be on sale next week, and on clearance the week after.

Thanksgiving was blessed.  Hubby and I made our first turkey, and small dinner!  It's kinda hard to create your own family traditions when you have in-laws and extended family. Everyone wants you to come to their house, when you really want to start establishing your own holiday rituals.  The logistics can be tricky, because people get real sensitive about this kind of stuff.  So this year I suggested that since my in-laws eat so late on Thanksgiving, that we make our own dinner early and have Thanksgiving lunch.  Now I think this is a great compromise, where I can start to create a little at home tradition for the kids, and still keep the other traditions intact.  As you may have already guessed some people didn't think it was a great thing....  My in-laws didn't come out and say it, but they were perturbed that we didn't invite them....  Which I don't quite understand, since I wasn't trying to make a huge dinner or anything, and I definitely didn't want the pressure of preparing a dinner for other people....  Sometimes it seems like that whatever you do, you can't please everybody.  So anyway it just so happened that my in-laws decided that this year of all years, that they would eat early...  Umm yeah.. I know..  Family, ya gotta love them!  Enough said.  Hubby and I still had our "Thanksgiving lunch " and it was great, and then we ate again at the in laws.  Now the in-laws made me pay for this infraction by defiantly overloading the kids with candy, and slinging veiled insults at
my parenting skills, but I had my Thanksgiving lunch!  You take your power where you can.  And guess what?  I'm having my Thanksgiving lunch next year too, so there!  Oh, and Christmas?  Well I'm going for the prize on Christmas.  I'm having my OWN Christmas dinner, and I'm going to suggest a Christmas brunch at the in-laws.  I know it's suicide but what can I say, I like to walk on the dangerous side. I'll let you know how it pans out.

 So I'm working part-time/seasonal and the job is very interesting.  I've never worked in retail before and I struggle everyday to find appropriate clothing that doesn't look like mommy gear, to wear to work.  I never realized how "mommy" my appearance had become until I started working in retail.  Those young girls with their leggings, and high heeled boots...  Their makeup is perfect, manicures fresh, clothes fitted and they know just how to put together the clothes and I feel incredibly inadequate next to them.   Here I am almost forty and some little twenty year old is outdoing me!  I want to yell sometimes, "don't you know who I used to be!" but then I look at my mommy slacks that could be taken in a bit at the waist, and my boots from three years ago, and my nails that desperately need a manicure, and I sigh.....  I've been slippin.  How does that happen?  How can you be turning heads one day, and then the next day your just the "mommy"?  My "boss" is 23!  Twenty-three!!!!!  She was in high-school when I had my first baby!  Ya gotta laugh at it though.....  What else are you going to do?

So the other day I'm dropping my kindergartner to school and I overhear this conversation these two girls are having.  They are both Korean exchange students and one girl said she was going to stay home with her kids when she married.  Well the other girl ripped into her, and told her that all she would end up doing is laundry, cooking and driving people around.  Now as I was just about to "drive" my other child to preschool, I was highly offended.  It really made me think about how as parents both stay-at-home and outside-working parents, we do so much and these kids don't appreciate it.  This teenager dismissed what her mother does for her in a few sentences, and it makes you wonder....  Is that how my kids will see what I've done for them one day?  I guess my point is as parents we have to be so careful not put all of our energy into these kids.  I'm not saying we shouldn't put energy into raising our kids, but sometimes we put everything into them, and have nothing left for ourselves.  Ya know what?  Kids our selfish.

Fairy Dust

Do you believe in fairy dust?

Yeah---fairy dust?  The stuff that God sprinkles over us, and POOF—things happen. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your bills are paid. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF!  Your life is exactly the way you want it. 

Sprinkle, sprinkle—POOF! Well you get the picture.

 You know what’s so great about fairy dust?  You don’t have to do any work.  You just wait for the sprinkle, sprinkle part.  Now you smile, but come on.  How many of us are still waiting for fairy dust of some kind to change our lives?  As I was laying down for a quick snooze as my kids napped, I was once again bemoaning my life. 

BOO HOO—I have to take care of kids all day! 

BOO HOO—I don’t get to wear all the latest styles.

BOO HOO—life isn’t exciting. 

On, and on and lamented the very state of my existence.  Then I thought about it a bit deeper. 

When we think of our lives, and how to change it, we never want to think too deeply.  This would mean that we may actually have to face some reality.  My reality? 

The things that I want out of life require hard work, and I don’t want to do the work.

Hard stuff, to wrap your head around.  No one likes to admit that they don’t want to do the work to change their lives.  We like to blame it on, the kids, or the spouse, or our circumstances.  We definitely don’t want to blame it on our lack of drive.  Yet here this bit of truth was staring me in my face. 

I want fairy dust!

I don’t want to work on getting my credit score up, slowly monthly by month.  I don’t want to write out a budget, and stop sporadic spending.  I don’t want to finish my degree, so that I can get a job, and then work my way up to a good salary.  I don’t want to continue to work on my writing, and research possible places to submit work.  I don’t want to work a part time job, and nickel and dime my way to paying off some bills.  I don’t want to do a lot of stuff.  Doing stuff takes to long, and require too much work. 

What I want is a big heapin bag of fairy dust.  Sprinkle, sprinkle…..

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate motherhood so intensely that I want to scream.  A ripping, piercing loud scream. 

I can feel it starting somewhere in the pit of my stomach, and it longs to be set free---yet I subdue it.  Who could know looking at me from the outside, that I have such ugly thoughts?  The picture of content mother, I am.  With my quiet patient voice, my mommy voice---but I’m not.  Not really.  I hate this thing I’ve become.  Part mother, part wife, and none of me.  It makes me ache, at what I’ve lost.  Nagging kids, always needing, always wanting, always here…..  All day, all night, every waking morning----they need something.

Yet this is just sometimes….

 It doesn’t stop, and I wonder will it ever stop?  What is it that won’t stop?  That’s just it, I don’t know.  Sometimes I don’t know what the “it” is.  “It” is always changing.  Is it motherhood?  Is it marriage?  Is it lack of fulfillment?  Is it life?  Is it the pure essence of everything all balled up together? 

I don’t know, but there is always this nagging feeling that there is more out there.  That I’m missing something.  So I frantically gather all these different things to try to appease that feeling in some way.  Yet I still come up lacking…

Is life so unfair, that you’re never truly happy until your old, and your body no longer cooperates with you?  Is it that old woman, sitting in the coffee shop smiling at me, as I smile at my kids, that I’m destined to become?  That old woman who looks as though she holds all the answers, and looks content to just sit and sip her coffee. “It goes by fast, so enjoy it!” the old woman tells me with a knowing smile.  What I really want to say, as I smile back politely is, “It can’t go by fast enough!”   Yet I know there is truth in what she says.  I can look back at my twenties and realize I spent too much time and effort worrying about things that didn’t matter.  Yet in this moment of parenthood, and thirtyhood it is hard to just “enjoy” it. 

Yet the word sometimes, is really just that---sometimes.  Sometimes is so great because it’s just that—sometimes—not all the time, but sometimes….  And sometimes it’s different. 

Sometimes I enjoy the kids with their grubby faces, and their never ending attention.  Sometimes I look at my husband, and am so thankful that of all the women he could have chosen--God gave him to me.  Sometimes I love my cluttered house, with my yet unpainted walls, and many unfinished projects.  Sometimes I love being so busy, that the day flies by.  Sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes.  What a great word.

I'm back!...Tired, but Back!

So, I know I left you guys with a very vain post, about my pores.... I was so worried about the size, of them, and how they looked. Guess what? Their still huge. Guess what else? I could care less! The dermatologist appointment was a big waste of a $25 copay. She rushed through the appointment, as she had to get back to a procedure she was doing (someone spending extra money outside health insurance). So she wasn't to concerned about my issues, and told me their was nothing that could be done for pores, other than microdermabrasion. Oh, and she suggested and using her products, which she conveniently sold from the office. These she said, "are the only one's I can vouch for". What a racket health care has become! You spend hundreds of dollars on appointments, and they leave you waiting, and waiting, and waiting. When you finally get in the inner sanctum of their office, you wait some more! Then they come in, and spend less than five minutes with you, and send you home with samples, and prescriptions! Well I guess I shouldn't have been so vain..... Lesson learned.

Now for an update on my life: I am now a full time student, a part time employee, AND still doing the stay home mommy thing! Whew! My life is so busy, and chaotic that I even dreamt the other night that I was overtaken by a tornado. When I researched the dream, because it was very vivid, I found that dreaming of tornado's signifies a sense of overwhelming in your life. That is so true for me right now. I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off! So I'm trying to learn how to organize, and stop procrastinating. I want to start enjoying my classes, and enjoying my life, and not feeling so rushed all the time.

On another good note, I've been pretty steadfast in my spiritual life. I've been taking the time to pray and study my bible every morning (I've missed a few-but I've made them up). It's amazing what God will reveal to you, when you take the time and seek him. I am truly realizing that God has my steps ordered and orchestrated, and that nothing in my life is chance. I'm meeting people through different circumstances that I know will be of help to me in my future. I also am meeting people that need to be ministered unto. This is a little scary for me, but I'm asking God to give me wisdom as to how help people, and speak things of goodness to their hearts. This world has become such an uncaring place. We walk right by people who are hurting, and we tend to our own problems. I'm really beginning to step outside my own "inner-circle" of my family and I want to meet needs of other people. Their is a step in psychology that this is referred to, and it is the last step that they say people go through. I want to realize this now.

My enlarged pores

Why are my pores so big? No really, why are my pores so big? All of a sudden as I creep closer and closer forty, the pores around my tzone have expanded.

Y'all, my pores are huge!

Now you would think that as many things as I could focus on in my life, that this would be the very least of them. Yet I can't help it. Every time I look in the mirror I see them. How vain is that? My face looks like I'm bathing in olive oil, and my pores stay open. I've tried clay masks, those painful biore strips, and to no avail. My pores are still staring at me, as if it to say "gotcha"!

Now I have an appointment scheduled with the dermatologist, but it's not until two more weeks. Oh, and get this. I go to make the appointment and the receptionist says "you have an outstanding balance, so we can't make any appointments for you". So I'm thinking, oh goodness, what didn't the insurance pay. Do you know that women opened her mouth, to inform me that I owed $5.00.

$5.00!

Now as much as I pay for an appointment she has the audacity to ask me about $5.00! It seems that my copay of $20 increased to $25. Her reasoning behind banning me from seeing the doctor, was "we sent you several letters". It's like the doctors office forgets that we are actually the customer, and it's up to them to satisfy us. Well anyway, hopefully after I get the privilege of seeing the dermatologist, she can put an end to this pore mystery. How much you want to bet the visit will end with me spending a lot of out of pocket money on her line of cleansing products? Everybody has a hustle.....

I know this was a frivolous post and I'm not going to even pretend it's anything else. So no questions today, I'll get deep for you tomorrow (smile)...

Simple living equals grateful

Remember when you lived with a lot less? Not just financially, but emotionally and physically as well?

I was listening to a song on the radio from the eighties from a group called "The Winans", the song was entitled "The Question Is?" Immediately I was transported back to where I was, when I used to listen to this song. I could almost see myself in my parents home, sitting back on a Saturday listening to music, and just doing nothing.

Doing nothing...

How often do we just not do anything these days? I really miss those simple days from years before. My parents didn't cart me off to activity after activity, and they didn't feel guilty that they didn't. I spent my summers at home, no summer camp, no play groups, just sitting at home enjoying home. Oh, and if I opened my mouth to whine that I was bored, as I was prone to do, well mama knew how to fix that.

She put your behind to work. Mop the floor (on hands and knees), wash some dishes, dust some tables.....until I wasn't so bored. After that I was only too glad to get out of there and find something to occupy my time. Now I escaped mostly into books, while my sister daydreamed, and my brother watched TV, or took something apart just to put it back together again. Then sometimes we all went outside, and rode bikes, or walked to the corner store. The point is, my parents had little to do with my activities, because we were self sufficient. They kept their eyes on us, and laid down the rules for which their were dire consequences, but for the most part, we were self sufficient.

My parents struggled financially, but it wasn't over luxuries, it was over necessities. They didn't squander their hard earned money on a bunch of designer clothes, or all the new gadgets that I feel like I should have. The budget was pretty simple, food, mortgage, utilities, clothing.

Pretty simple huh?

Their wasn't a separate budget for eating out, movies, or personal care. Our only eating out expense was our McDonald's Friday, for which we lived for. You didn't order Big Mac meals either, you ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and small drink. Yet every Friday we looked forward to this night out, and we were grateful.

Grateful.

Now that's a word you don't hear often these days. I tell my kids to be grateful, and it irritates me when they aren't, but am I truly grateful? I would have to honestly answer no. If I were grateful, then the clothes that I spent so much money for, wouldn't be stuffed into drawers as we speak. If I were truly grateful, then my van wouldn't be so messy, nor my house for that matter wouldn't be so disorganized and messy. If I were truly grateful then I would take care of the things that I have with such care, that they wouldn't break down. If I were truly grateful then I wouldn't be sitting around thinking about how I can buy more things, without first appreciating the things that I have.

My life, and that of my family is in need of streamlining. I need to simplify my life by removing a lot unnecessary junk out of it. My kids can play right outside in my driveway rather than always running to the most high tech park out there. I mean they honestly have enough toys that I could create my own preschool! I need less eating out, and more eating what is right in my kitchen. Less snacking and more eating at designated meal times. I don't ever remember my mom saying "snack time!". Maybe that's why kids today are more obese than ever before....

I do to much laundry!

Really, I entirely too much laundry. My mom had a family of five and she did laundry at the most twice per week, and this was done at the laundry mat until we could afford a washer and dryer. We didn't pull off clothes and throw them in the laundry baskets, you folded them up, and placed them back in your drawer to wear another day. The only thing you changed everyday was, underwear. How were we able to do this? Well for one thing, you were more careful about your clothes when you wore them. Why? Well because you were grateful, so you took better care of them when you would eat, and play.

Their is that word again.

Grateful. I really need to simplify my life, and be more grateful.

Question

How simple is your life compared to how you grew up?

Is it really back to school time?

Wow can you believe it's August?! I see all these back to school sales, and it's amazing too me how retailers rush the seasons. It's more amazing too me how well it works! Cuz I wasn't even thinking about buying back to school stuff for the kids...until I saw the sale signs. Now I'm getting all in a panic, thinking "I've got to get school supplies, before their gone..!"

Before their gone....

Now you and I both know, that their will be stuff left over, for probably the same price. Yet that's how these retailers get us to spend our money. Soooo even though I know that I'm being controlled by the "machine". I'm taking my butt over to the Childrens Place, to catch that $5.00 sale on long sleeve shirts, for my soon to be kindergartner, and preschooler.

You can't fight the machine....

So I know I haven't been updating this thing everyday, but you have to admit I'm doing better than I ever have at it.

Besides you guys don't comment anyway.

Well I shouldn't say that huh? It sounds a little stank.... I also troll many blogs and never comment, so I shouldn't sit in my glass house, and hurl stones. But.... A girl would like a few of my questions answered, every once in a while....

So I was reading my curlynikki blog today, and it's her anniversary. I love that blog, it's so inspiring and she's a young lady that is really doing what she loves. She's been on Tyra, and is now a contributor to Tyra, all from one blog!

The bible does say that your gift will make room for you!

She put the work in was true to herself, and it paid off. She didn't start off trying to be famous. She was just trying to find ways to keep her natural hair healthy, and BAM! Her destiny hit her. How wonderful is that?

So it started my thought process going again. I began to ask myself questions. Such as why don't I post more of my own writing on this blog? Hmmm, am I afraid of the quality, the comments, the critique....? Yep, I am.

So on that note, I think I'll conquer some of my fears, and find a way to add a tab to this thing that lets me post some of my short stories, or maybe even a couple of chapters at a time of one my manuscripts. Did you know that's how the author Zane started? If you don't know Zane is a black author of some really erotic books. Look her up, your hubby will be glad you did! (smile)

Maybe one day I'll put a picture on this thing.... Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Questions:

Are you doing what you love to do? AND What inspires you TO DO what you love to do?

Last question: How do I add tabs do this thing?

enjoying not being with kids

So I've been staying true to my commitment to pay more attention to my appearance. It's been paying off, and I've been getting lots of compliments. I've been rocking my natural curls, and it feels nice to be noticed. My four year old looks at me Monday, and says "mama you look pretty" and I was so flattered! Then he followed up with, "mama you can't look so pretty all the time". So of course I asked why and he just kinda giggled. Not sure what that was about, but if a four year old noticed your looking better, then I must have been looking pretty tore up!

So I've been getting a little more time away from my kids, and you know what? It makes me want to have even MORE time away from them. Isn't that terrible? Isn't that strange? Actually is it really strange? I started thinking about this, probably cause guilt was eating away at me, and I'm getting a different perspective on it. Maybe what is strange is how much time some of us mothers spend with our kids. Think about it. Back in the day, women didn't work outside the home, but they still didn't spend all day with the kids underfoot. If you lived on a farm, then you were working the farm. If you lived in the city, well then you were outside socializing with kids your age. You were rarely underfoot like kids are today. Parents didn't have to schedule play dates, or take you to the park. You took yourself, and you made your own friends.

So maybe, just maybe I'm not so strange after all........

Question:

Be honest do you REALLY like spending time with your kids?

What do your pictures say about you?

What do your pictures say about you?

So I was looking through old pictures on the computer last night. Isn't funny how we don't print the pictures, but just download them? I have a printer, and yet I still don't print out the pictures! Well anyway, I was looking at old pictures, well actually not so old pictures. They were pics back from dating from 2003 to present. I noticed a recurring theme in all pictures after 2004. I look tired, old, and haggard! What happened to me? How could no one tell me that I've let myself go to this extreme. I'd like to blame most of the really terrible pictures on the age of my babies at the time. Unfortunately this doesn't excuse the pictures from this year.... I look like I don't care about my appearance. My face is usually set in a frown, and I look like.... Well I'll say it again, I look like I don't care about my appearance. This is far from the truth, because I do care, I guess I just don't care enough.

This is so ironic, because I can clearly remember how I viewed women like this in my single days. There were some women who I worked with, that always looked like they didn't take any effort with their appearance. Yet, when their was a special occasion, these same women knew how to get it together. They would pull out the makeup, the cute clothes, and fix their hair nice. Everyone would be amazed, and tell them how nice they looked. Then after that, they would be back to their same old look. Jeans, tshirt, hair pulled back into ponytail, and face devoid of makeup. I was horrified, that these ladies had let themselves go. The way I saw it, you should look your best all the time. It shouldn't matter that you weren't going anywhere, or doing anything special.

Flash forward seven years later, and look at me. I've adopted the same uniform, complete with ponytail, and I only fix up when I have something special to go to. I tell you motherhood and marriage will make you eat your words! I felt so horrible after looking at those pictures, that I've resolved to start taking time with my appearance everyday. Even if I plan on sitting in the house all day, I plan to look good. I look at all the clothes I buy, and sit in the closet to gather dust. Why? Because I'm waiting for a special occasion to wear them. I'm not talking about fancy pansy clothes. I'm talking about that cute sundress that I bought last month, but haven't worn yet. Or those cute sandals with the heel, that stayed in the closet all last summer, in favor of my thong flat sandal. Now I know I have to be practical. Mama can't chase after the kids in stilettos. Yet I have to be honest, and truth is, I don't do physical activities with the kids EVERYDAY. Sometimes we just go to the library, or the bookstore, and on those days, I could bring out that cute sandal with the heel....

Another thing I would like to begin to do, is take more pictures of myself. Nice pictures of myself. Maybe even professional pictures of myself! I don't have one single professional picture of me, outside of my wedding pictures. What's wrong with putting on something cute, and going to get a few pictures done of yourself at the mall? I said the same thing to hubby, and he agreed. He's been losing weight, and looking good, I might say! I told him that he and I should get some couple shots together. No kids, just us! Okay maybe a few with the kids, but definitely some without.

What I'm finding is, I'm not as young as I used to be. The things I did five years ago, may not necessarily give me the same results today. For example I've been noticing some very enlarged pores under my eye area. I had started noticing them, but didn't think they were to bad, until my sister made mention of them. You know what? I'm getting older, which means I need to start making a few tweaks to my old beauty routine. I'm finding a little primer, and a tiny amount of foundation goes a long way to covering those pores. Getting older doesn't mean that you have to look older, it just means that I need to pay a little extra attention to myself. Spend a little more money on body lotion, cuz that cheap crap doesn't cut it anymore. Pay for that paraffin treatment on my dry, tired hands. Oh, and maybe splurge on that facial cream, that eh, promises younger looking skin. I'm not saying I'm chasing youth, but I don't want to look like those pictures say I look like! One thing about it, when you look good, you feel good.

I feel inspired to want to change my mindset, and I'm sure my morning prayers are jump starting this feeling. I'm working on taking control of my emotions, and not letting them rule and control me.

Question for today?

Go look at some pictures, what do they say about how you value yourself?

Are you living life?

People I missed two days of posting! I'm so sorry, and here I was trying to be so focused! Saturday was just me complaining, and quite honestly Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday would have been the same thing. But today, I'm back feeling motivated, and inspired! So lets see, Sunday was church, and a visit to my in-laws. I know what your thinking... Actually though, I don't mind visiting my in-laws, it's just that hubby never knows when to leave! The visit drags on, and on, and on.... I was hungry, and although she offered us dinner, I didn't want them to think we just come every Sunday to eat up her food. However I did watch "A Family that Preys" again, and it was just as good as the first time I watched it. I love that movie, in fact I think it is one of Tyler Perry's best efforts. Kathy Bates is really good in it, as well as Alfre Woodward. I like Alfre Woodward in any movie! If she is just in a movie, I will watch it. She's just so real, and down to earth. Actually everyone had some great acting in this movie, on down to Robin Givens.

There was a part in the movie, when someone said (I think Kathy Bates) "are you living, or existing?".

That got to me. Are you living or existing?... That is so deep!

A lot of time I think I'm just existing.... I go through the motions to keep the family running smoothly, but I'm not really living. How do you truly live, when your trying to exist? I mean we all have responsibilities, kids have to eat, someone has to watch them, bills have to get paid... You get the picture. I thought to myself, that if I was to truly live life, then something or someone would be neglected, and then wouldn't that be selfish? So I pondered this question, and it actually had me in a real funk. I started feeling sorry for myself, that my day hadn't been exciting. I mean all I had done was go to church, visit the in laws, ate dinner at Red Robin, and then went home to watch my kids watch television. Oh and I forgot I became extremely angry at hubby, for leaving me in the house with the kids AGAIN while he cut a bush down outside. I mean I was fuming, and he tried to apologise but I wasn't having it. I was all irrational, and I know I came off like a physco, because I wasn't truly mad at him. I was mad because I felt like I was just existing, and that bothered me....

Monday, I pretty much stayed in the same funk, still pissed off that I was just existing and not living. Became angry at hubby again that evening, because after dinner he sat down and started studying for his test. Now this bothered me, because I'm not doing so hot in my own summer class. I'm taking it online, and I'm not meeting the deadlines, and what really bugs me is that the class is super easy! I mean it's just getting on line and discussing things, just like I do here, and yet I'm not doing it. I blame the kids, and being so busy on this, but quite honestly it's just my own laziness. Because if I felt it was important, then I would make time to do it. Right?

So anyway, hubby is over their studying, and feeling all motivated about his class, and I'm sitting there watching him, and becoming incensed. So then I start making some noise, you know just to distract him. I know, I know, pretty childish. But anyway, I started making noise by rubbing my bare foot against the leather sofa, and he looks up, but doesn't say anything. Then he mentions something about how he loves being in school again. Now at that I get ticked off even more, because of the fact he gets to take his class in the classroom, while mine is online. You see for the last few years, I've taken online classes because he claimed he couldn't get home in time to watch the kids. Yet this semester, he took a class in the classroom, and he seems to be able to get home in time to do it, just fine...... Yep, I thought the same thing.

So anyway, after I couldn't get a rise out of him, I figure I'll do my homework, but now I can't get online, and I make a big tadoo out of it, yelling and carrying on. Hubby doesn't say a word (yall he must have been prayed up!) So then I go off in search of textbook, to read, and I can't find it. What I do find is my journal.

This is a journal I started in 96. My last entry in it was 2003! So I started reading it, and guess what? I find I haven't grown that much. In my journal all I complained about was not having a husband, children, and bills. In fact I wrote that if I could be married, have kids, and stay home all day writing, then my life would be perfect. Yeah, I know!! Look at me now, I have a husband, children, and technically I could spend a good portion of the day writing, but I don't. So now I was in even a bigger funk, because on top of just existing, I was now an ungrateful turd.

So what to do, what to do?..... I updated the journal to include my marriage, and kids, and I went to bed. I didn't sleep well, and I just didn't feel good. So Tuesday morning, I woke up and I prayed. This is something I should have done in the first place! I prayed and I felt better, and I resolved to stop existing but start living the life I was in right now.

I'm trying to change my mindset, so that I enjoy the things that I do routinely every day. I want to enjoy the kids, and enjoy caring for them, and enjoy preparing healthy meals for them, AND enjoy my time away from them. I am trying to learn how to really LIVE the life that I exist in. If that makes any sense. So I know it's been a long post, but I just wanted to update you. It's been a good day today, and I got my prayer in again this morning. I'm going to evening church service tonight, and I have a nice healthy meal planned out for my family. Later tonight, I'm going to take some time for myself, and do my hair, while I watch a good show. Now that's living!

Okay questions for today?

Are you existing or living life?

Is Post Menstrual Syndrome real?

It has to be PMS..... (post menstrual syndrome)





I am so irritable today, and as you can see by post on Friday, I was irritable that day also. It must be PMS. Has anyone else found that they are more affected by PMS as they get closer to forty? I'm finding that at close four or five days leading up to my menstrual cycle, I am just downright pissed!



For example take today. Everybody and everything is pissing me right off! Now hubby going golfing didn't really bother me this morning, because he was back pretty early. But the fact that he is outside right now mowing the lawn, is tickin the hell out of me! I know the lawn has to be mowed, but I just want him here inside this damn house enjoying the children, right along with me. I mean shouldn't he suffer and enjoy the kids on a Saturday evening too? Why do men get to accomplish their tasks without the hassles of kids? Take for example last week. He had a test to study for, so he decided on a whim to take the day off to study. He went to the library and devoted the whole day to studying, and did very well on his test. Now who do you think had the kids during this long study session? Yep, me. Now it shouldn't have been that big of a deal, because if he had been at work I would have had them anyway, but still..... Now last week it kind of irritated me, but not a whole lot, but today, right this minute, I'm am seething about it.

Must be PMS.



Here I have to wait until midnight to even open a textbook, but he just does what he needs to do, and doesn't give it a second thought about it. So seeing him mowing the lawn, and getting the joy of being able to accomplish something, well quite frankly it's pissing me off. Nobody watches the kids while I attempt to accomplish my tasks. Nobody takes the kids away when, I wash dishes, mop floors, or do any of the other various duties that fall to me, that he doesn't even notice. I've been wanting to organize their toys for months, but do you know hard it is to complete a project with kids underfoot? I put it in the give-away box, and they drag it back out before I can turn around good.



I was also ticked off that I felt forced into an activity today with people that I like, but don't know very well. It was pretty much told to me that, my lack of participation has expressed that I don't like them. Which quite honestly wasn't the case. My lack of participation expressed that sometimes I just get too busy, and involved with my own life, and that when I get a moment of free time, I just want to rest. So anyway once someone tells you that, now you feel obliged to participate, but at the same time your resentful that you have to participate, even though you don't really have to. That make any sense? Well anyway I spent half the day "participating" and showing myself friendly, and ended up pissed off, because I felt forced. How silly am I? Isn't that just so ridiculous. Now if I hadn't felt forced, and if I had gone on my own desire, then I would have felt like I had a good time. But when you feel like your doing something because you HAVE to, it changes the outcome. I compare it to how I will sometimes complain to my husband about his golfing. Then he will say "well fine, I won't go, and I'll spend time with you and the kids". Well now it's too late, because I feel like he doesn't really want to go, but is just doing it to oblige me. Crazy huh? Yeah that's what he calls me, when this happens (smile). I think it's just that people, including myself, want a person to really want to either go somewhere or do something. No one wants anyone to feel forced into it. I worked very hard not to appear forced as I participated, but I'm sure everyone there had probably discussed it, and said "she's just here, because we said something". You know what? They were right. Now I am sure my PMS had something to with my behavior today, at least I hope it did.

Questions for the day:

Is PMS just an excuse we women use to be really nasty?

Are the kids trying to drive me crazy on purpose.....?

Now as I sit here trying my best to write, my three year old is in my face. Now it could be a combination of Auntie flows impending visit (nickname for menstrual cycle) but I have a lot less patience for my kids lately.

Sometimes it feels like they are purposely trying to drive me crazy.

It's like they have conspired together and said, "let's get mommy!". I think that sometimes they believe it is their duty to keep me on my feet all day. If I attempt to do anything, and I mean anything for myself, they block it. If I sit down with a cup of coffee, all of a sudden someone is thirsty. If I try to write, or do homework, well then someone has to wash their hands or go to the bathroom, or wants a book read... You get the idea? If I attempt to use the toilet, then all of a sudden they have to use it also.

I can't win!

If I have the audacity to turn from their program on television, then it's a straight up war. They whine, they beg, and then they make so much noise (under the pretense of playing) that I can't even hear my program. Even in the car, it's question after question, after question..... If I look as though I may be enjoying a particular song on the radio, and begin to sing. Well then all of a sudden they burst into a Barney song, or a song from the Fresh Beat Band at the top of their lungs! I mean it's loud people. I swear if I hear "let's come together.." from the Fresh Beat Band one more time, I'll literally scream! By the way what is with this group? Nothing but a bunch of grown-ass people pretending to be kids, especially that tall goofy one...

If my husband and I attempt to have a conversation, they interrupt with questions and attempt to talk over me. If I go in my room for a minute of silence, then here they come. If I go downstairs to put clothes in the dryer, they are at the top of the stairs, demanding something be done for them. "I want a snack! I want something to drink!, Can we go somewhere?" It DOES NOT STOP! It's all day, and I feel like a damn maid to my own kids! When I say I don't watch television, I really mean to say I'm not allowed to watch television. My kids have monopolized every part of my life. Even when I try to pray in the morning, I can hear them knocking on the door, asking me what I'm doing.

Do they love me that much, or is it a conspiracy to drive me crazy? I'm beginning to wonder.....

Just sitting here writing this, I've had to tell each of them "goodbye" five times, because now all of a sudden they want to lay on me and hug me. I tell you, these kids know exactly what their doing. Now my husband? They don't bother him. He comes home, and shuts off their show, they whine a bit, and then go play in their room. They walk PAST him, to ask me to do something for them. Hubby says I'm the crazy one for letting them run me, and he's probably right.

They worry me so much, that by bedtime, I'm like a crackhead waiting for her supplier. I'm watching the clock, my hands are shaking, I can almost taste bedtime. I used to enjoy reading the stories, and tucking them into bed. But now? You should hear how fast I read those books, IF they are lucky enough to get a story read. I'm skipping over pages and making up my own words.... Oh and the silence I receive after they are in bed? As my three year old says "Oh my Jesus!" it's so sweet! It's better than sex.....

Should I feel that good, that my kids have gone to bed? Should I feel that happy, that I don't have to interact with them? I thought I was supposed to become a better, more patient parent as they grew older. I feel like I've gotten worse!

Do you know how many times, the word "SHUT UP!" has been on the edge of my lips, I mean the very tip of my tongue, ready to escape? Or how many times I have actually said out loud "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"? I had always prided myself on answering and explaining every question, but now? After I've explained why they can't have candy for breakfast for the hundredth time, I find myself yelling (yes yelling) "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Okay and I will admit to you, I've said "shut up" out loud, waaaay under my breath, where they couldn't hear me. A very small, quiet, but satisfying "shut up".

I think at any moment the word "SHUT UP!" will truly escape these confines, and then I will truly become my mother. We think we are so smart with our books and new-aged ways of parenting, but maybe our parents had the inside track. Maybe their way WAS the best way. Cause I guarantee you, my mama didn't LET her kids drive her this crazy. Oh, and she definitely used the word "shut up".

Questions today?

Do you think the parenting concepts of our generation are causing more stress on us the parents, than the ones of previous generations?